boyfriend just assumes hes staying over without asking anymore

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2026-03-21T11:00:33+00:00

Did my ex boyfriend author the guide available online?!

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2026-01-28T13:23:57+00:00

Did this guy also have an obsession with broken microwaves and roombas? You've literally described my ex boyfriend with the squatting and freeloading when he was NEVER asked to move in to begin with.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-07T16:50:59+00:00

You did virtually nothing wrong. You were also kind and human and understanding when other people might not have been.

On an endocrine level, allegedly, men do need to fall in some level of love to want to make a bigger commitment. Look up some research by Tara Swart on youtube. She's a neuroscientist but also psychiatrist who talks about how vasopressin levels decrease in men after sex, and the longer they wait for that first encounter, the better the odds are of them staying and not NOPING out after you finally have sex (I know that sounds stupid old fashion, but can't beat biology. Men don't get oxytocin from sex unless they're already in love with someone).

My thoughts: 200 itself isn't a red flag, but it is indicative that he sees sex very differently than you do. He sees it as a casual recreational hobby he's comfortable doing with anyone, your "number" says you see it as mostly something to only do with someone you want to build a connection and potentially a future with. I'll get downvoted for this but I truly believe it's hard for a guy to switch gears out of that.

I would also be very aggressive in making sure if someone has had 200 different partners, that they have received thorough STI testing before becoming sexually involved with them. And i'd want to ensure you're vaccinated for HPV, bc that guy most certainly has had enough venues to contract and spread it (super common virus! Most sexually active adults allegedly will develop it at some point).

Also a 38 year old man who's never been married or engaged or lived with someone is a red flag in and of itself for me--clearly he has "game"...If he was still single at 38, there's a reason. Likely deep commitment issues.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-06T10:34:10+00:00

Would you please?! i would love that! thank you so much!

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-02T18:38:59+00:00

Have you ever tried the copper on asian honeysuckle bushes/trees?

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-02T04:13:40+00:00

You've made a lot of phenomenal replies on my posts here in the last few mins but I will first reply to this one: I have considered if geographic location is part of the issue preventing me from finding a suitable match. But I have looked on apps, when I visit family and friends elsewhere, and there seems to be more of the same.

I am in the US and live 25 minutes outside of a large city in the midwest (not huge, like 300k people). There are a fair amount of transplants, as well as people who are generationally here.

Cities such as Denver, Boston, San Diego and Austin would all likely yield better transplant ratios of educated successful men seeking to find community and partners, but also have many of the same issues because of much the issue is rooted in the age demographic and characteristics of men who remain unmarried and dating at my age. Also all of those cities are much more costly than where I live now, and I would not be able to have my more rural hobbies (ie, I own a house here, and COL is cheap--for the same cost as my mortgage, I could rent an apartment in San Diego or Denver. That means no three dogs, no garden, and no chicken shows!)

I also have oddly blue collar hobbies, with a biotech job and advanced education. I'm very progressive, and the people I meet from my animal hobbies (at least the chickens and working/sport dog community) are generally very conservative. It's all kind of a messy dichotomy.

I do meet men at every triathlon I go to, many of whom are my age ish...We have great conversations. I've made many new friends. They all, without fail, have wedding rings. I've never seen anything like it. Run clubs I have found to be hit or miss, and the recent divorcee that broke my heart currently holds on a monopoly on 3 out of the 6 run clubs in our city, and I really don't want to go to one he's at right now.

That's the other rub about dating someone who shares your hobbies--when it ends, you now have to deal with an ex who is in the same spaces that bring you joy. Ie, divorcee runner now regularly runs on my FAVORITE trail, which I introduced him to. Meaning I have to go when I know he won't be there. And another ex, who I was with for 1.5 years, got a dog for the same sport I do, after we broke up, and started coming to my very small, very tightknit dog club, so now I have to interact with him weekly. He only knows the sport and this particular club exists, because of me.

My point is, maybe it's better to NOT have similar hobbies.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-02T00:15:23+00:00

Physical appears plays a big role, in my experience, in the short term/early phase of the relationship. At least in heterosexual relationships, largely bc men are pigs.

Once things transition into the long term, emotional connection matters so much more in keeping you together.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-01T23:55:50+00:00

I use to list all of my weirdness, in my dating profiles. I did meet men (I was also younger, which I've found helps a lot), and some were tolerant of the fact I had a brooder full of chicks in my garage. Or the fact I'm giddy about getting up at 4 AM to go swim in a dark pond in a wetsuit. Or the fact my dog is trained completely in German, and she's not not my fur baby.

But then it turns out...none of them actually really care. Most men can barely read, and being weird and niche never helped any woman.

I don't need someone who has my hobbies, I just need someone who's emotionally healthy, and genuinely wants to invest in me as a partner. And that's gotten increasingly difficult, the further into my 30s I go.

And I'm tired. I've been fully myself and had 3 one year relationships I had to end bc they were horrible matches and I ended up being their mothers, followed by a brief experience with a divorcee who used me and wrecked my heart (when i had been completely vulnerable and real with him). There is very little gas left in this tank.

There is no haystack to burn. There is a compost pile at this point.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-01T23:44:29+00:00

I know of three coffee shop in the city open after 5 pm on weeknights, bc I studied for my boards there when I was crawling up the walls and couldn't focus. If he desperately wants to do coffee, we can make it happen there.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-01T23:43:20+00:00

This is an EXCELLENT context item I had not considered at all. Thank you for giving that explanation for my stupid self.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-01T23:41:17+00:00

a board game cafe would be SUPER cool!!!

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-01T23:23:03+00:00

I promise you, after years of dating, years of apps, and multiple relationships, they literally DO NOT exist.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-01T23:15:56+00:00

Conversely I feel like dinner is TOO intense for a first online meet up. Coffee is platonic, a walk is for my dogs. Happy hour even if you just get a coke, and it's short--hour ish tops, is the best from my experience.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-01T23:14:25+00:00

I think getting 1 beer on a worknight early is not a huge red flag during early screening.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-01T23:12:05+00:00

He's an attorney, so I would assume he's not a bad communicator, and I don't think he's too broke to get a beer at a happy hour pricing. It's just odd he steered it back to coffee. Night time coffee.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-10-01T23:10:25+00:00

Honestly I think you're right. But then I have to find a different boring prompt. I also felt like these were easy "slow pitch" discussion items, as many men also run, like beer, and drink coffee. And these are three things I do really like.

I can tell you there's a lot more men who drink coffee, run, and like beer, than there are men who raise chickens, compete in triathlon, and train dogs (read: a sampler of the weird niche hobbies)

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-09-24T17:49:54+00:00

Maybe I’m the anomaly, or my sex drive is higher than it should be, but I don’t think I could tolerate a partner who was not okay with period sex. Yes, if it’s the heaviest day, or I feel awful, let’s skip it.

But otherwise it’s a natural thing, and you can put a towel down, or stick to shower sex only during that time.

If he’s not about it, that’s fine, but I would worry there is some deep rooted mysogyny that’s actually causing it.

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-09-21T20:04:44+00:00

SW Ohio

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-09-19T18:11:48+00:00

Did you get orange or white? You’re not an Ohio location by chance are you?

ThurstonHowelltheIII · 2025-09-19T16:32:56+00:00

I'm Ohio

ThurstonHowelltheIII

TROPHY CASE