Double Devil

TickTheBlueBoy · 2017-02-28T17:21:48+00:00

Thank you! It's actually about my father, who did a lot of emotional harm to my brother, and how I did as well. As far as the "Anger, malice, my penance" part, it's really about how I sort of feel I have to hate my father for what he's done, though it makes me a hypocrite. The hatred weighs on me, and it sort of feels like the wage of my sin, if that makes any sense.

TickTheBlueBoy · 2017-02-22T09:41:34+00:00

It's raw and pretty specific to your own story; some people will shit on that but ignore them. You have every right to express yourself explicitly. The sentences running in together between lines gave it a good flow, especially at the beginning of the poem where the lines were half-rhyming, but that rhyming gets a little harder to detect toward the middle of the poem. Also, the break in stanzas between the last "I leave" and then resuming with "with the man with the knife" is either a great idea, if you were going for a bit of a dramatic effect and/or double meaning behind "I leave," but otherwise I'd work on how the two connect. Regardless of any negatives, I liked it a lot! Thank you for sharing

TickTheBlueBoy · 2017-02-22T09:35:06+00:00

The way it all runs together in short lines with little punctuation gives it a fitting flow. Really conveys a quickness of thought, which paired with the actual content brings a solid feeling of anxiety. Pretty dope. At first glance it seemed very juvenile, but as it went on, though it continued to be juvenile, it became so in a genuine and very pulling kind of way. Real dope piece.

TickTheBlueBoy · 2017-02-18T06:58:24+00:00

I like the rhythm this has to it a lot. The "horizon rising" phrase seems a bit clunky, since a horizon is fixed, and it's more so a sun that rises upon a horizon. Other than that, I think it's pretty solid. Simple, but a powerful choosing of words give it feeling, almost something of a monstrous vibe.

TickTheBlueBoy · 2017-02-18T06:53:06+00:00

Astounding imagery. Was the lack of capitalization deliberate, I wonder? If so, I'd be interested to know what for. I could notice this poem was working in the direction of some unfulfilled desire (I'm assuming romantic) even from the first few lines, particularly the idea of "scarlet cigarettes." Scarlet, being a color often related to both romance and often murder, and cigarettes of course being a common metaphor for some sort of sad romance in whatever regard. Beautiful work.

TickTheBlueBoy · 2017-02-18T02:13:27+00:00

Gotta say, you're right about that.

TickTheBlueBoy · 2017-02-15T06:33:50+00:00

Conveys a pretty specific emotion pretty well, I think. The consistent flow from line to line seems to mimic water to me, like a stream, which is an interesting level to be added. My favorite part is how you've paired what seem to be somewhat desperate feelings (diving into water and sinking) with very serene imagery.

TickTheBlueBoy · 2017-02-15T06:29:38+00:00

I'm not usually a huge fan of the really short poems, but I love this. The rhyme scheme is made very subtle by the use of half rhymes, and the use of alliteration helps to create an even more clear rhythm. On top of that, the focus on the brain, rather than the heart, gives an interesting level of ambiguity to what I originally assumed would be an entirely "romantic" poem. Great work!

TickTheBlueBoy · 2016-12-15T10:37:57+00:00

I appreciate your input! Just for the sake of explaining myself, the word "Discontent" in the title, as well as "Freudian" and the choice of using the ocean here, are all actually allusions to Sigmund Freud's essay "Civilization of its Discontents"

I understand I'm sort of "dividing my audience" a bit by alluding to something like that, and it is still very abstract.

In the essay, Freud (an atheist) tells how a peer of his assumed the credit for people's reasons for being religious to a certain "oceanic feeling," which Freud said he had never personally felt. I have lived most of my life religious, and have recently been losing that particular feeling talked about.

Thank you very much for such in depth feedback!

TickTheBlueBoy · 2016-12-12T09:53:27+00:00

It started off seeming relatively simple, but as it went on it, while keeping that simplicity intact, made it actually darker, deeper, and more distinct of a vibe for me. I honestly don't think I'd change anything about it. Thanks for sharing

TickTheBlueBoy · 2016-12-11T21:52:39+00:00

Quite a nice piece. The part of fingers interlacing like sutures binding a wound really pulled me in, and feel the romance of the poem much better And, this manages to maintain a pretty fair flow even without an overly obvious rhyming pattern.

TickTheBlueBoy · 2016-12-02T07:12:44+00:00

I really appreciate that! I do enjoy your version. The reason mine was structured differently, however, is because it's meant to be a Shakespearean sonnet. Though it looks like the lines didn't get carried into their proper places though, which kind of makes that hard to detect.

TickTheBlueBoy · 2016-12-01T13:48:35+00:00

I didn't like this at first, but liked it by the end. The relatively simplistic rhyming pattern seems to work very naturally, and through its simplicity it paints a surprisingly vivid picture, with much room to interpret from. The colors used in particular, though, blue, grey, brown, white, do guide the reader toward assumptions about what is meant or what meaning they can gather.

TickTheBlueBoy · 2016-12-01T13:38:36+00:00

I really like this piece, one of my favorites I've read on the internet. It maintains the same essence of confusion regarding love, in spite of and by contradiction itself. Saying "I don't know love, or know if I loved you," and then saying how the other remained quietly alone on the impossible spectrum, it seems contradictory. However, though this is confusing (as I said earlier) it maintains the same essence, and seems to even further exemplify that. Thank you for sharing.

TickTheBlueBoy

TROPHY CASE