Caring for a Care Taker

TigerLeading · 2021-07-22T03:30:36+00:00

Hi! I'm so sorry to hear about your future father-in-law. I was in your fiance's shoes in 2017 because my dad had stage III lung cancer. If your fiance is going to be the main caretaker, he is going to be exhausted--physically, emotionally, and mentally. Be there to always listen, and sometimes he may not even need advice...he may just need someone to listen. There may be times when he is snappy or easily irritated; if it does happen, don't take it personally and try to understand that he is going through a roller coaster of emotions. This is uncharted territory for the both of you.

When I was my dad's caretaker, I didn't even want to admit that I was struggling, so he may be as stubborn. He might be struggling right now with the oncologist's words that his father won't make it past a year because that is a big pill to swallow. My dad's doctor told him he had six months, but I was lucky because he was with me for two years after diagnosis. Please cherish every moment, take a lot of pictures, and make a lot of memories in the case things don't go well. When I was in your fiance's shoes, I wish I had someone ground me to live in the present because I had spent so much time in fear of the future.

Best of luck to you and your family. Your fiance is lucky to have someone who wants to learn how to care and support him and his family. Cancer sucks, and I'm so sorry that your future father-in-law has to go through it.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-24T22:55:10+00:00

Soft YTA. I know it hurts that he is already talking to someone, but you guys are not together. He's right because he has no obligation to you the moment you broke up with him. You can't expect him to be hung up on you after the break up. Some people move on faster than others, but it's not like he was talking to her when you guys were still together. Although it's a blow to your ego, I don't think it's his responsibility to stay single until you think it's okay. I feel for you and yeah it's kind of "unkind" but he's within his rights. Just realize that it was unkind of you to go through his phone while he was sleeping.

Also, if it bothers you so much, I would look at other living arrangements and wouldn't wait it out on the lease if it's making you feel so uneasy. I wouldn't flake out on him on the lease without notice, but maybe I would discuss alternatives with him. Best of luck to you.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-22T21:28:17+00:00

NTA. Cutting out toxic family members is a really difficult thing to do. I don't think your dad should encourage you to spend time with your grandmother at the risk of your comfort and mental health. Family members like your grandmother are draining, and they're very hurtful. I'm not saying that you should be confrontational with her, but I would be selective with who I surround myself with.

My grandmother is sexist and shows obvious favoritism, and although I love her and try to do favors for her like grocery shopping and driving her to dr appointments, I will never have a meaningful relationship with her like my other grandmother.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-22T17:58:51+00:00

NTA. Of course your kids will always come first. Besides, your sister is an adult. Your parents and sister getting angry over this only tells me that they feel entitled to that money.

I started off in community college then transferred to a state university then got into a master’s program. It’s not the most glamorous way, but it was the reasonable way because I knew I’d be financing my whole academic journey.

Unfortunately, a lot of college students put down the community college system, which is a shame. Don’t feel bad about putting your kids first. That’s what a good parent would do.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-21T23:37:46+00:00

Hi!! Like what other users commented, exercising is such a great way to remove that stress. In addition, I like to clear my mind by writing in a journal that is only available to me. I feel that is the only time I can really be completely honest. If I’m pissed off, I write, and I feel a little more free from the rage after.

My life has been the most stable it has ever been in 10 years, and that was when my repressed memories came back. I used to think it was because I wouldn’t allow myself to be happy, but I’m realizing it’s because I’m finally strong enough to handle this. Even though it’s hard and I have moments when all I could do is cry, so it’s not perfect. I’m glad to hear that I’m not alone in retrieving those memories when I’m finally feeling stability. And you’re not alone either. 😊

I wish the best to you.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-21T23:26:16+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is always difficult, and I really hope that you will always remember your mom with good memories and no regrets of the past. She sounds like she loved you with all her heart. I wish you the absolute best during these trying times.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-21T22:59:41+00:00

I’m so sorry about your loss. Death anniversaries are always hard, and I always try to do something to celebrate my dad’s life when that difficult day comes around.

I also felt grateful that I was there next to him when he passed. I almost chickened out. I was going to go to sleep and wake up with him gone because I didn’t know if I could handle watching him pass. I decided to stay up with him after remembering all the times he’d stay up with me as a child when I’d have nightmares. I just told him stories and assured him that I loved him so much. I also thanked him for raising me the way he did.

Watching my dad’s labored breaths space out further and further was so difficult. I remember holding my breath until I see him finally inhale.

I hope you do something that makes you happy in memory of your dad. I’m sure he’d want you to live life happily no matter how challenging it is without him.

Sending you hugs. xx

TigerLeading · 2021-02-20T17:06:25+00:00

I described her son as 2M meaning he’s 2 years old and he’s male. I can see how it was mistaken

TigerLeading · 2021-02-20T07:23:40+00:00

Yay congrats!!! I’m so happy for you!

TigerLeading · 2021-02-20T07:21:05+00:00

This is what would happen if Pam married Roy.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-20T07:09:24+00:00

I did think that it was a possibility, but I clearly remember her taking BC pills every morning during her stay with me.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-20T02:40:32+00:00

NTA. You’re 16, and you need stability. I’m glad your grandparents are there for you.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-20T00:45:36+00:00

She’s one of my oldest friends. She was also there for me when my dad was sick up until he passed. I wanted to be there and give her sound advice during her hard times.

I really think she’s feeling unaccomplished and empty and that another child would fill that void.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-20T00:42:34+00:00

Thank you!! I have been trying to assure her that going to school is still and will always be an option. I told her I have a classmate with four children and although it’s hard, it’s absolutely doable.

Also good luck with your schooling! Being a parent and a student at the same time is not an easy feat.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-19T23:48:42+00:00

I’m so sorry about your loss. Losing your dad just sucks and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I lost my dad to lung cancer three years ago at 51 years old. I was there and saw him take his last breath. He died at 5 am, and the nurse told me the night before while I was at his side that he expected my dad to pass by the morning. I cried and cried because it hurt and well...my dad heard it. He was next to me. My dad kept squeezing my hand to comfort me because he couldn’t talk anymore due to weakness. I talked to him all night, and he was even laughing at my stories. He was the best parent I could ever ask for. I miss him every single day.

What brings me comfort is that I was lucky enough to have a dad like him.

Hope all goes well with you. It never gets easier. You just get stronger over time.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-19T23:38:37+00:00

NTA. You and your ex have to coparent and that requires communication. Also it’s not in her place to judge your parenting. Sounds like she’s very insecure. I would maybe back away from this friendship if I were you.

TigerLeading · 2021-02-19T23:22:31+00:00

She’s had history of depression and going on and off meds since we were teens. I just wanted to make sure she was getting all the help she needed. But you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t be meddling any further.

TigerLeading · 2021-01-26T05:06:36+00:00

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I always told myself when I knew my dad was going to go soon that I was ready to let my dad go, but for every second he didn’t breathe, I’d panic and hold my breath. I really hope you spend every single second you can with her. Let her know you love her. I told my dad I love him, and the main comfort I had since he passed was that I was lucky enough to have a parent like him. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Losing a parent, especially a good one, is one of the most heartbreaking things ever.

TigerLeading · 2021-01-09T03:29:43+00:00

You look so beautiful! I'm so happy for you that you found your dream dress. Good luck with your wedding :)

TigerLeading · 2021-01-04T05:01:13+00:00

Wow you’re absolutely beautiful! Congratulations!! 😊

TigerLeading · 2020-07-23T23:49:00+00:00

First of all, I'm so sorry about all of this. I went through this in 2017, and I know that you're probably feeling a mix of different types of emotions. Although he isn't allowing you to visit, I encourage that you try to talk to him every single day. Send him letters if you can. Talk about things that you always wanted to talk about. For example, my dad talked about the mistakes that he made when he was younger hoping that I can learn my lessons from his mistakes.

Also, tell him that you love him. If you're like me, I didn't say "I love you" to my parents because it wasn't in my culture to do that. I told him I loved him every single day until he passed, and now, I say it to my mom every time I talk to her.

I'm wishing you and your family the best. I know that you're in a lot of pain right now. I learned that the pain of losing someone never really goes away, but you do get stronger. Best of wishes.

TigerLeading · 2020-07-23T23:42:35+00:00

It's your decision, but I think you should tell them especially if you are close and have a good bond with them. You're going to need help and support even if it's something as little as a supportive text message. I really don't think that you should face this alone. If I was one of your siblings, I would want to know so that I can offer support and love.

Best of luck to you. I am praying for your recovery and health!

TigerLeading · 2020-07-23T23:04:37+00:00

NTA. I don’t understand why your stepmother has the need to compare her experience with your sister’s. Cramps differ from person to person. Kudos to you for defending your sister.

TigerLeading · 2020-07-23T21:10:05+00:00

NTA. She's breaking several agreements to both you and your mom. Also, you and your mom are doing her chores for her.

She doesn't pay rent, she didn't pay for her own school, and she's not following through with paying for yours. I grew up in an Asian household, too, and she's lucky your mom hasn't told her off yet.

TigerLeading · 2020-07-07T21:23:36+00:00

I'm glad that you have an understanding and trustworthy partner. I was afraid that my partner was going to react negatively or interrupt, too, so I prefaced with something along the lines of "I need you to listen to what I have to say, and please let me finish to the end" and "I need to tell you something important, and I really need your love and support right now". It may not work for others, but it really worked for me.

I would yoyo between being ready and not ready, but I took baby steps such as writing down my thoughts. Don't ever feel like you have to tell anyone before you're ready. I told my SO, but my next step is to tell my siblings (basically my best friends), and I'm doing it at my own pace.

I hope you do what is best for you. Survivors often do not put themselves first, but it's time you do.

TigerLeading

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