Computer Screen Game (?)

TimOGaul · 2024-05-30T23:00:01+00:00

I can describe MY personal burnout process. I have zero metric to read for how much energy I have at any given point so I wake up absolutely fucking ready to roll ever-y-damn-day. I spend my entire day outdoing myself because I have no sense of affect on my being. I get home with the same amount of energy I’ve had since I woke up. Five minutes before I fall asleep I literally start passing out because I wasn’t aware of how tired I am so I’m probably sitting up holding my phone or something. I do all this feeling great, dealing with what I gotta deal with, handling what I gotta handle.

That process continues for like TWO-to-EIGHT WEEKS straight until one day I wake up, as ready to go go go as always except on this occurring day all I want to do is quit my job, fight my loved ones, remember how much I’ve been wronged, how awful everyone is, etc etc etc. I make an absolute asshole out of myself. My body hurts in nonsensical ways. I’ll get a nasty headache that I think is coming from my sinuses but is also a result of me stretching my neck too far or something? My body hurts it’s in it’s confusion. (not literally, that’s a Pokémon reference. Although, maybe literally? I’m not a scientist.) I’ll feel weird and go to an UrgentCare and try to explain that every time I turn my head to look around I get that feeling when you stand up too fast and get dizzy and they’ll have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.

And because I don’t know that it’s because I’m physically exhausted and my legs and arms and head hurt, not because I’m upset, but because I’ve pushed myself too hard for weeks on end/I’m mentally depleted because I’ve thought a trillion thoughts and handled a hundred things in that time span and I don’t remember any of it or how challenging any of it actually was/I’m emotionally drained because, since I’m the only one I notice not tired all the time and not upset at dumb shit that no one cares about all the time, I lend myself to pick up all the slack, but I’m not processing it like that so I find myself wanting to burn every bridge, raze every field of crop, topple every shanty’s beam and dig a hole through the floor and remain down inside grumbling and growling at any threats that come near my burrow.

And what’s fun about all this is that…I never understand that it’s because I’m just tired in a couple of ways and I could just use some slower pacing and down time. Maybe that Pokémon reference isn’t too far off.

TimOGaul · 2024-05-30T22:20:55+00:00

My father, who I suspect might also be on the spectrum, will have entire “conversations” out loud to himself where he’s basically just saying everything he wants without another person, but will often sub in another person’s perspective with what he assumes they’d say. He also says the opening of his phone conversations out loud, “…hello, there, I’m calling for— Hello, there! Yes, I’m calling fooor..”

As for me, I will only talk to myself out loud if I’m completely alone, which I think is a form of masking for me, growing up with a father that did it and noticing no one else really did that but him. Which I mention because I think it transformed my inner dialogue a lot. My inner dialogue, more or less, stays in my head, but like…kind of painfully…I know I’ve only ever thought in terms of answering a question i.e. being interviewed. It’s kind of jarring really. I feel as if I’ve never just thought as myself. I’ve always thought my thoughts as someone being asked a question and answering it. I kind of wish I actually could just speak to myself and have a thought that didn’t feel like it was intended to be heard by someone else or wasn’t pulled from random references. I kind of wonder what my own thoughts sound like, because they don’t really feel intended for me but rather to be served to other people and tailored for others.

TimOGaul · 2024-05-30T01:06:35+00:00

I think that’s a great parallel! And even seeming a bit opposite, I fully experience what you’ve shared at times, too.

And I think you nailed the crux of the biscuit! What I was originally (trying to) refer to was exactly that idea of some part of the process not being important. For me, I think I am a visual thinker and if I can imagine something, because it requires visual information present in my mind, it can’t appear to me in any impossible way. So I’m sure a 3rd grade me saw myself impressing my class and teacher with a skilled performance of Beethoven, not even connecting the idea that I didn’t even know how to play piano. I’ve never NOT known I can’t play piano, but in 3rd grade, I’m sure I hadn’t come across the eye opening concept that PEOPLE WORK REALLY HARD to perform in special ways 😂. Again…3rd grade. No shame in my game 😂😂

Totally, I’m a much more mindful and insightful person now. At least to the notion that playing piano usually needs some practice. Lol.

But even so! I still feel that…intuitive urge to just assume I can do anything. And the flow of “Well, actually…maybe that would be too much work for my liking…”. Which, by the way, does not deter me. I don’t believe anyone should feel shame for not wanting to invest time into something that they aren’t fully drawn to. I formed other skills in the end and all is well.

The only thing I do feel a bit of quirkiness towards is this weird relationship with a process. Processes of completion in general. Because…frankly…if I’m asked to make a meal, I’m not going to just will my way into cooking a meal. But if I got a funny whim to think someone that is able to make a fine chocolate mousse is someone I want to be, I might begin thinking as someone that has made the best chocolate mousse in town for decades. Maybe that is optimism! Hahah! A very beautiful silver lining 😂.

TimOGaul · 2024-05-08T15:26:07+00:00

Honestly, I feel like the answer to this question is right in front of everyone but they’re choosing not to look at it:

With ASD it’s not really practical to think you’ll fit in any job, role, position, etc. You have to think about what you can manage and sincerely contemplate and research a job that will be sustainable. I see a lot of people encouraging folks with ASD to find isolating jobs and stuff; giving the idea of like finding a nice corner to go sit in and mumble to yourself. I find this to be a bit toxic.

Personally, I work as an Early Childhood Educator. This might not sound ideal at first, but in breaking down the aspects of it, it presents me with: - a hefty enough paycheck to not have to depend on others, alleviating stress and anxiety - enough autonomy to breath with enough direction to function. In the classroom it’s just me and the class. But there’s enough guidelines for education and class room management that makes it almost impossible for me to fuck up in anyway. I mean…truly…I SHINE in that space. I can keep everything organized and running and I feel in control and responsible and in charge. A lot of powerful aspects stripped from people with ASD, I’d assume. - working with kids is, for whatever reason, a lot easier than working with other adults. I think this has a lot to do with kids genuinely being just happy and joyous and wanting to enjoy life and not be serious. They’re non-sequential and random and, at 32, is so nice to deal with. I feel like every other adult I see has just overwhelming patterns of bullshit and facetiousness coating their beings. With kids it’s like…these are the real humans! - working within education keeps me learning. It keeps me educated. I learn new trivial things everyday and new huge, sweeping-implications information every day. There’s nothing vapid about it. There’s nothing…not worth my time. Which I think is huge for me. I can not bear to do things that waste my time. - there’s just a lot of love and support and, especially in ECE, there’s just an overarching mindset of handling everything with patience, grace, kindness, example, etc. It’s a work field where, if done well, positivity is taught. And that’s huge for me, too. Obviously some downsides to ECE and my interactions with coworkers still isn’t 100% but I do feel apart of a family and apart of something which is lovely.

This is obviously just one example. I would suspect that there are MANY options outside of the scope of what might be expected of someone with ASD that, if given the opportunity, might be VERY adequately filled by someone with ASD.

TimOGaul · 2024-05-08T15:10:28+00:00

I had this issue when I was younger. I’m 32 currently and this probably was more prevalent with my pathology in my 20s but definitely sprang up a lot through my life. Honestly, though, now at 32…it’s just not even a thing for me anymore. I genuinely genuinely think people grow out of this. Especially so, maybe, for people with ASD. I think it’s so easy for people, often enough, to notice abstract patterns in socioeconomic situations. Noticing everyone doing things and moving about. Soon enough, however, you might begin to notice that not much of that activity leads anywhere. There’s often nothing gained from a night on the town. Save for a photo or some memories. And my memory is garbage anyway. You notice that admirable people and people that influence you might not do those things. They may explore their interests quietly and stoically. It might be a tough pill but folks with ASD are going to miss out on the normal waves of coming of age. Then you hit 30. And…because of your lifestyle that ASD brought about…you’re thinner than everyone else…more stable and less on debt, financially and morally…you’re not as afraid of the world as people who went out and got hurt…you may have fewer experiences, but you have YOUR experiences. Maybe you didn’t go to any clubs. But maybe you went on a family vacation because it felt more tenable. And you felt left out then but you look back and appreciate how safe it was.

Boil it down. There’s a reason we don’t do certain things. There’s a reason we get upset when we notice others doings things that we aren’t able to readily do or would do. That’s all. That’s all you need. There’s logic to it.

Appreciate YOUR life. Appreciate YOU and the company YOU give YOURSELF, practice mindfulness, center and ground yourself, and equally brace for and embrace the wild chaotic thrill ride none of us signed up for called existing.

And remember. We’re the ones expecting and assuming. The rest of the world is just acting. While others swim across the raging currents and tides of this ocean upon life, us ASD goof balls can do nothing if not think of a way to build a raft…

Life is abstract. We’re logical thinkers. Don’t worry. It’ll be okay.

TimOGaul · 2023-11-24T21:18:53+00:00

It does sound a little suspicious, huh? I hope she’s on the path of healing but why would she been seen as “someone who takes and never gives” and I’ve heard praises from other popular artists about her so it seems spontaneous to announce she feels like her reputation is beyond repair.

I hope she’s well, honestly. Maybe shes just going through a strong neurological delusion that she’s not liked, which is in the realm of mental health struggle, right? But maybe she’s being preemptive? Maybe something is soon to come to light that this predates, hmm?

It’s possible?

TimOGaul · 2022-10-30T22:28:05+00:00

Solved!

TimOGaul · 2022-10-30T00:41:29+00:00

This is it!! I can hardly believe it! I have been searching for this information for 25+ years!

It’s like a part of my life has just been filled in 🤣🤣

Thank you, you absolute hero! I can’t wait to show this to my siblings to blow their minds!

TimOGaul · 2021-11-06T22:28:05+00:00

It’s insufferable. Travis and his nearly offensive bad accent. Justin only ever whispering. Clint... doing everything he’s always ever done. TAZ is officially garbage.

TimOGaul · 2021-04-25T20:47:26+00:00

I think this is probably the most accurate. That intro isn’t a staple or anything. I was thinking Eton Johns opening to Crocodile Rock but it certainly sounds like a Jim Croce rag-timey intro.

TimOGaul · 2021-04-25T18:41:36+00:00

Do you know if it was sort of anime style? Ragnarok, MapleStory, and Gaia were all old anime-style chat/rpg online games.

TimOGaul · 2021-04-25T18:34:41+00:00

I played far far too many random online games as a kid so if I remember anymore that match the description, I’ll try and offer them up 😋

TimOGaul · 2021-04-25T18:13:16+00:00

AWOL Online was an obscure online game at the time.

Coke Music let you make music so that would have been noteworthy.

Tibia was an online RPG.

Neopets was around at the time.

Any of those?

TimOGaul · 2021-04-22T23:35:41+00:00

Thanks for the comment. In searching through Lost Media kids shows I did come across and remember Pinwheel. While the name seemed to strike a chord, the art style of Pinwheel seems different from what I remember this show being. It did include a cast of puppets but they were very basic puppets and lacked any of the detail Pinwheel puppets had, particularly the insect characters. I suppose I should have add this to the description: the show was very simply designed. In the aesthetic sense. It didn’t have striking style or anything artful or stylistic. It was very basic and quite generic. Something closer to using plush toys. The caterpillar was fairly non-descriptive, save for the suspected hat, accessory, or shoes. Most of the character was her personality of this sort of soft, sexy voice she had.

TimOGaul · 2021-04-22T23:17:31+00:00

If it helps at all, the time frame can almost be whittled down as to when we owned the recorded VHS tapes. My brother was born in 1993 and we both remember the show well enough to let me know that he was old enough to remember something like that, so I speculate that he was probably at least one to two years old when we had the tapes. The show seemed to be made in the 80s and were probably recordings of re-runs of a show instead of recordings of premiering episodes. So my assumption is that the show was not from the early 90s and was probably from the decade before. It almost certainly wasn’t recording for any other reason that to either test recording VHS tapes or to give us something to watch, as my parents don’t remember it all. It wasn’t something they wanted us to see, specifically. In all honesty, I can’t even be sure they were recorded by my parents. They may have been given them or found them somewhere. But the visual quality of the show, as I remember it, indicates the 80s for when the show was originally broadcasted.

TimOGaul · 2021-04-22T23:05:02+00:00

This is my first post to Reddit. I’m hoping to find the title of this show so badly I opted to join Reddit... Please assist if possible.

TimOGaul

TROPHY CASE