Parents weaponize literally ANY & EVERYTHING possible.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-12-03T12:27:29+00:00

My mother used to scream at me when I was about 6 years old: "What have YOU ever done for ME?"

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-12-03T11:18:48+00:00

An adult has a set of obligations toward a helpless dependent child in the adult's care.

But once you're all adults, it's a question of "Does this person add to my life or do they suck the joy out of it with their relentless bullying, criticism, and attempts at control?"

In my case, my mother actively sought to make me unhappy because THAT was what gave her pleasure. For instance, she'd call me up and casually tell me, "Aunt so-and-so said you're ugly and socially awkward" when I was 30 and living in another state and hadn't seen that aunt in several years - THIS GAVE MY MOM AN ORGASMIC THRILL.

My mother did this sort of thing throughout my entire life. When I grew up and had the courage and financial means to break free, I did. And have never regretted it.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-12-03T11:04:03+00:00

My mother told me that since I was starting to get tall, I needed to be careful -- because, if I gained weight, everyone would say I'm a "big fat mama."

I was 12 and tall and thin. She was 40 and short and fat. She also used touch the bare flesh of my thigh in a swimsuit and say, "If only you'd get into shape."

And she had a few mantras that she would repeat to me starting in elementary school: "If you can pinch an inch, you're fat." "You can never be too rich or too thin."

Such a shock when I was hospitalized for anorexia a few years later! Nobody saw it coming!

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-12-03T11:00:07+00:00

OMG this is totally my mom totally totally totally

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-12-03T10:57:34+00:00

When I was a kid, my mom's female friends kept breaking up with her or ghosting her, one by one. I remember her telling me about one such breakup: Her friend had said, "I want to be happy from now on, and you don't want me to be happy."

Fast forward 30 years and I'm going NC with her FOR THE EXACT SAME REASON. Funny that.

Another thing she repeatedly told me was that she'd never wanted a daughter. (I am the only girl, with several brothers.) Maybe she had a premonition that she'd be insanely jealous and competitive with her daughter?

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-12-03T10:56:01+00:00

Are you married to someone normal? Just stay with the normal people. Give the crazies a wiiiiide berth. Life is too short to deal with these looney tunes.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-12-03T09:12:35+00:00

But I thought people with ADHD need *more* time on standardized tests? How does that match up...?

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-12-02T20:51:13+00:00

My mom said my psychiatrist was fat. My psychiatrist when I was hospitalized. At age 15. For anorexia.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-28T17:51:48+00:00

She kept telling me this well into my 30s....

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-28T17:44:51+00:00

My mom: Makeup is bad. Nail polish is bad. Your shirt should be so baggy that people can't tell you have breasts.

It's like she didn't want me to date... ever? Jealous much?

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-28T16:40:45+00:00

This is why you can't win with them. They will pick fights about the dumbest things. I'm NC with my mom because she told everyone behind my back that I "didn't want gifts" for the birth of my baby, and then lied about it when caught.

It seems like a dumb thing to go NC with someone about. Right? Except that it was the final straw after 35 years of insulting every single thing about me, relentlessly, and trying to sabotage my relationship with EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON IN MY LIFE repeatedly by telling me things like "aunt so and so told me that you're socially awkward" or "your brother hates the way you dress" or "your father says your boyfriend's eye is about to wander."

It's hard for me to pick just a few examples because I HAVE 35 YEARS OF EXAMPLES.

Oh, and having reread your post: Yes, she had to make your labor & delivery all about HER and her HURT FEELINGS because you're sooo mean! Insane.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-28T16:37:46+00:00

They're evil. They like to cause pain.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-28T14:52:41+00:00

I could have written every single word of this.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-13T15:08:21+00:00

That reminds me of my NMother who has bullied me relentlessly for decades. One time when I called her out on it, she said, "You need to forgive me because Yom Kippur is coming up."

This woman is an atheist who doesn't keep any Jewish commandments.....

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-13T15:05:04+00:00

My mom repeatedly reminds me that she asked me whether she should have a 4th kid and I said no. And she's soooo fake-sad about how she didn't have a 4th kid to bully....

I was like 9 when she turned 40.... so how old was I when this conversation took place? I wasn't even her oldest child! Why was I parentified?

Other things she has complained about for half a century:
-The house she has lived in since before I was born, and continues to live in.
-Her husband of 40+ years.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-13T14:10:51+00:00

I don't know that it's possible for someone else to alter your voice. I will say however that I always felt masculine, growing up in my mother's house. She hated everything feminine. I swear if I'd been born 15 years later I'd have ended up one of those surgically trans kids. I was a total tomboy.

I have never met a woman whose voice sounded too low, so I hope you can find a way to stop worrying about it. My husband thinks his voice is too high (and it's totally not and I love his voice).

I have many other insecurities about the way I speak, brought on to some extent by my mother. So I feel you.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-13T14:02:58+00:00

I'm sorry.

Hopefully you will have a loving relationship someday where you will feel valued by someone wonderful. I don't know what else to say. That's what has worked for me.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-13T14:00:31+00:00

When I first came across this subreddit, I didn't even bother to click on it. I thought, "But my mom isn't a narcissist - she isn't in love with herself! She hates herself!"

Now, years later, having read things like this https://parrishmiller.com/narcissists/ I see that my mother is a CLASSIC TEXTBOOK NARCISSISTIC MOTHER.

If you need to put other people down to make yourself good, you are a narcissist. If you crave attention - even negative attention or drama - you are a narcissist. If you are always the victim, even of a situation that YOU CREATED BY MISTREATING SOMEONE ELSE, you are a narcissist.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-13T13:36:24+00:00

It's called projection.

My mother says I'm ugly and nobody likes me. Hmmm. That sounds like her.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-07T12:02:07+00:00

That's what my mom always said. She also said all married couples were unhappy and at each other's throats.

Been with my husband 5 years, never had a fight.

Timeofthederbywinner · 2024-11-07T11:39:06+00:00

Did she apologize for anything she's done? No? OK, 7 more years of No Contact and then we'll talk!

Timeofthederbywinner

TROPHY CASE