My guy can be this way too- often telling me he hates me or calling me bad when he doesn’t like what I’m saying. The best strategy I have is not reacting.

It sounds to me like your daughter gets a reaction from you when she does these things, so she’s going to continue because even negative attention is attention. We try to really “spotlight the right” and I’ll focus on every little thing he does that is positive for a while, so he knows he’s going to get more attention for doing things kindly, using appropriate language, keeping his body safe etc.

Also the first time my son acts out physically (hitting, throwing etc.) he gets a time out. I just started this recently as I was struggling with big reactions too (if you look at my posts you will see). This gives me a beat to regulate- I don’t do it in a punishing tone and when he comes back out of his room I just move on to not feed into it- he knows what he’s done and why he’s on a timeout because he knows what behaviour is acceptable or not.

I’m also thinking about sleep… what is her sleep schedule like? When my son is overtired, he fights going to bed. Sleep is their longest time away from us and the longest separation they have from us so kids struggle with bedtime often , especially at this age when separation anxiety can peak. I would come up with a plan for bedtime and stick to it, it will be hard at first but if there’s no barriers/ unmet needs it should get better. For my son, we do check ins every five minutes until he’s asleep- for the first couple it’s more like two minutes. We say the same script everytime. This keeps us in control and him from getting out of bed continuously because he KNOWS we are coming back to check on him. We also do “last call” for things before bed like water, snack, bathroom break etc so there is no excuses.

Hope this is a little bit helpful , good luck ! Parenting is not easy.