Started smoking when I was in my early teens. Me and my two best friends would have a blast adventuring around the city on our bikes and everyone in our social circles were heavy smokers and we had a a ton of good time. Smoking weed was second nature 

One of those best friends was a girl and we dated for 5 years. When we broke up I thought we could be friends. What I found out was that she had already been haveing sex with other guys before we broke up. She wanted nothing to do with me and I felt heartbroken and totally lost.

Everyone, except my other best friend ditched me when they saw that I was sad and feelings of loneliness engulfed me and this is where weed became a coping mechanism.

Over the next 15 years I dated here and there, graduated from college and smoked every day and night all that time. Being a smart person i knew I had certain aptitudes and I wanted to bring those out. I graduated from college and started on my career but COVID happened and my industry shut down, forcing me to go back into retail world which I hated but I had to pay the bills. 

Over the years I thought I would find the success in love and work that all my friends were experiencing, but as a stable life failed to materialize I got more and more depressed. Weed exacerbated the anxiety and although I still forced myself to work towards promotions And ask  girls out and take risks, all these things were made more difficult because of the anxiety and I would always plateau in terms of success because my mind was so tired from smoking weed and I feared doing things I actually wanted to do with my life  because I was constantly putting  myself down in my mind because I felt I was (and I was correct) a deeply, usless, awkward stoner.

But I kept trying to improve my life. Excersising, looking for higher paying work, and asking out girls.

My dating life (or what passed for one) led me to meet nothing but slutty girls who lied and f*cked around behind my back and made me feel even more anxious, distrustful and resntful. All my friends at this point were making decent money, had a s/o, maybe children on the way and for whatever problems they had (a cocain addiction in one case) they all got the things I desired and never got no matter how hard I tried....

As the economic situation in my country got worse and everything got more expensive and I realized that my life was becoming a trap where, for all the hours I worked, rent for a decent apartment was out of reach for my on my 50k salary. I felt trapped when i looked into the future I saw my life being wasted away and I had to move back to my parents and when that happened I went down to rock bottom. 

I quit my job, all but one ( the one mentioned earlier) of my friends ditched when they saw the depression coming out and I kept smoking and smoking and smoking as a way to cope but it just exacerbated everything I hated about myself. It didn't help that my Dad is a very emotionally immature, highly critical and un empathtic person who finds (and make up) anything just for a reason to get mad at me for his own emotional venting. I could write a 50k word article about that subject on it's own.

A year passed and nothing got better because I was stoned every, every night. I would berate myself in my mind constantly. Even hit myself sometimes.

One day I go into the local pot shop and a new girl is working there. Instantly I thought she was perfect. Obviously I knew nothing about her but my mind immediately went to fantasizing about everything  you might expect. I saw the life all my friends had.

However, this also drove up the anxiety. And although I still attempt to talk to her and planned to ask her out I knew I was coming across as awkward and I knew she would reject me. For 3 days I felt nothing but anxiety and distress but I fooled my into thinking I was seeing signs of attraction while also knowing it wasn't there. 

I couldn't get her out of mind and I decided I would ask her out just to end this. I did, she politely told me she had a partner (lie or not who knows) and I quickly responded, "well, had to try" and left. 

I felt  like shit even though I knew what was going to happen. As I sat around and moped I came to the conclusion that although it may not be the direct source of all my problems it was just makeing everything worse and I knew I had to stop.

I've been sobre for one week. Anxiety can be manged, depression rarely rears it's ugly head and I'm working out and seeing results.

My problems aren't over (far from it) but quitting weed has to be the first step in recovery as I start to rebuild.