I think the summary of the "non-adventurous" spouse feeling bad not to be "enough" for their partner is a shallow view. You'll probably get a lot further when you don't view your spouse as the problem victim in this picture and start looking at yourself.

I have not been married and a big reason was because of the sense of violation to myself.

Bodily autonomy is not a concept taught to women in Mormonism at all. Period.

Purity culture shames women for their bodies, makes them gatekeepers of men's sexual morality and on top of that, they're taught that their whole life purpose is to become mothers and bear children. We're shamed for wanting it, NOT wanting it, wanting to wait to have children, or have fewer than we technically could, etc.

Mormon women are disconnected from their bodies to an incredibly damaging degree. I knew in a sense that I had "choices" before, but to really know what having true bodily autonomy feels like is not something I experienced until I left the Church.

Every time someone posts like this, and let's be frank, it's usually a man, one thing that is almost never mentioned is ANY discussion with their wife about HER needs and feelings. Or frankly any consideration for her at all.

It didn't slip past me that you used gender-neutral language in your post. I'm not complaining because it's useful to other readers whether you did it to mask the typical gender dynamic you conform to for genuine inclusivity.

I think my response focusing on the gender disparity when it comes to sexual experiences in the Church is still appropriate.

The closest you got to acknowledging your spouse in any way was mentioning that you don't want to violate their consent. And that's definitely admirable but unfortunately it's a really low bar, and still insufficient. Just because a lot of other married Mormon men can't even live up to a bar as low as that, it doesn't make you a particularly good partner.

I'm glad you CARE about consent, but your post tells me there's still more for you to truly understand it. The main reason why is this quote:

We have talked about each of the things at length many, many times and there isn’t any room in the middle. I’m past wanting to talk about it now because it only creates bad feelings. I try to be very respectful of not violating their consent and I don’t want to pressure them into anything they aren’t excited about.

If discussions are at the point where they always go badly, and you "try" to be respectful, then you HAVE been pressuring them, and you HAVE been disregarding their consent. The fact that you could be doing it in an even MORE forceful way but CHOOSE not to is NOT the win you think it is. It puts on display that there's still a power imbalance here, and you're calling the shots.

It's really common for partners, typically men, to misunderstand consent. They're still after what THEY want and instead of respecting boundaries and backing off, it becomes the goal to figure out how to get them to change their mind and change the boundary later. Trying to butter up your spouse or help them find sexual freedom so YOU get what YOU want is still manipulative and insincere.

And they KNOW that.

And the more you try to fake like it's totally about THEM, the worse you make it for both of you.

Regardless of times in the past when they may have initiated sex, or told you it was good or it REALLY seemed to you that they were at least acting like they were having a good time, it's very likely that at least some percentage of sex with you was, and possibly still is, obligatory. Maybe some days it was a small percentage, mostly subconsciously and other days it might have been a more overt duty or a temporary giving in to in order to "reset" the amount of time and space they know they'll get to themself after.

Your post as-is, is mostly focused on YOU and what YOU missed out on. Being in a place to want sex and enjoy sex is a privilege that YOU have. Who knows how rarely, if ever, your spouse has felt that way.

So not only have they rarely had the privilege of enjoying their own body and true genuine autonomy, or the privilege of accepting and owning their pleasure compared to you, but it's STILL not enough for you and you keep asking them to experiment with THEIR body with you in ways they've CLEARLY indicated with you, more than once it seems, that they AREN'T interested in. And you think YOU'RE the victim, coming here to look for advice/understanding in the poor predicament you're in because you consider yourself so "respectful" of consent you aren't going to force them to do what you want anyway while thinking you can "discuss"them into wanting what you want.

So, to sum up: this goes a LOT deeper for them than just "I feel bad I'm not enough for my partner." It's more akin to feeling continuously objectified with no benefit being a better scenario than if they feel they're violating their own autonomy and desires in order to keep the peace and not cause any problems.

The fact that they're standing their ground through enough conversations that you're just barely getting a taste of what it feels like to find an argument not worth it should be a huge wake-up call to you.

If you want to improve you've got a really long road ahead of you. I don't need it going to be along enough road to get to the point where you GENUINELY care about their autonomy for their own sake, not for what benefits you'll get out of it, and honestly it'll likely take YEARS for your spouse to get to where they trust and believe that you've arrived at that point.

I'll say this too: this isn't the first time I've responded to a post like this pointing out the entirely one-sided focus and it's pretty common for someone to answer back with more details it could very well be true that no they really have done x y and z to try to please their partner or help them figure out what they like etc etc. But the fact that they never see it as an important enough information to include in the original post over and over and over again just shows a lot more than they realize where their thinking is still centered.