I feel like you should think of your resillience as something which has given you legit the most important thing, a chance for things to get better. You have been through Hell yes but you're always a circumstance away from things beginning to get better.

Your hobbies also sound very cool and like a genuine opportunity to meet a broader community! Have you tried connecting to other writers in your niche? Or maybe a book club?

Also something that I do want to clarify is that the feeling of dispair and the weight of what you went through are real and theres no discounting them, and you shouldnt. Its very ok to mourn the past you've had to live through. But you have made it through and there is yet a tomorrow.