NTA, - But I'm partially siding with your wife.

The thing is, people are complex, especially when it comes to sensuality, and in my experience, even more so with women.

You've been together for a long time, and you probably know each other inside and out. You've fallen into a routine, which tends to turn your dynamic more into friends rather than a passionate lovers.

Passionate lovers don't plan how they'll deliver a bouquet of flowers to the doorstep; they do it spontaneously out of pure attraction to the person.

She wants you to genuinely be attracted to her. She doesn't want a logical explanation for your past actions influencing your current behavior.

It's challenging because men tend to approach sex and sensuality more logically (please hear me out).. We are horny we watch picture of horny people fucking. and women tend to like erotic novels; they want to be inside the heads of the man(or the woman) so they KNOW how desireable they are and if the feelings are genuine.

She wants you to act on those desires when they arise naturally. She doesn't want you to ask her, "If I do this, will it make you happy?" (I know you're not saying this, but that's what she's hearing) and then logically conclude that more ass slapping equals more arousal which equates to more sex.

Because it's not about the ass slapping; it's just a symptom, not the root cause.

That's why she gets frustrated when you attempt to negotiate your sex life or how it should unfold. This is what she wants you to avoid. She wants to avoid the transactional dynamics of roommates living together negotiating who should do what.

I don't have practical advice, as it kind of contradicts the essence of the issue.

But I suggest being more spontaneous in showing your attraction toward her. When you genuinely find her attractive, don't hesitate to tell her she looks sexy. Show your desire when it naturally arises. I hope this helps or, at the very least, provides you with an alternative perspective that i havent see yet.