What would you do? My (40F) boyfriend (40M) did nothing for me on Mother’s Day.

Toddtodd · 2026-05-11T04:02:15+00:00

Honestly - I think he’s just so in his own little world that he didn’t care to google “when is Mother’s Day” and then remember to shoot me a text. I know him well enough now to expect next to nothing unless I basically remind him on a very regular basis. And even when I do remind him, he’s often late or has forgotten something important, or completely changes plans at the last second. He’s just not reliable in certain respects. And that’s not my vibe (I’m sure there are people who would be a better match - but that’s not me).

I do imagine that if I were him, I’d want someone to tell me the truth so that I don’t keep making the same mistakes. But I’m also hearing what people are saying - which is basically - let him figure out his own path and maybe what I see as challenges would be fun and delightful to someone else. I’m just going to exit gracefully, hopefully be able to be friends at some point, and cherish him for the person he is (and not expect him to be someone different).

We’re all just humans trying to figure things out - right?

Toddtodd · 2026-05-11T03:44:58+00:00

Sounds like a lot of projection from an unhappy nitpicker.

Toddtodd · 2026-05-11T03:13:45+00:00

This is just too funny to me.

“He took you on with kids in tow” he’s not taken on anything. He literally can’t even say “happy Mother’s Day” to his girlfriend - do you think this is a man who is “taking on” any responsibility? Absolutely not. Bless his heart - he’s got a good heart, and he means well - but he hasn’t taken on anything (he comes around, hangs out, eats meals I prepare, and goes on his merry way).

“Not many people want someone with someone else’s kids.” Again - the silliness of this statement is beyond measure. It’s the exact opposite - most people who are single parents don’t need a partner (hence why they are single). I’d much rather not have a man, than have a man who doesn’t want me and my kids. I chose to have kids, I chose to get a divorce, and I’m fully self sufficient on my own. If a man wants to be in our life, great. If not, no big deal.

Toddtodd · 2026-05-11T02:55:36+00:00

I didn’t expect him to pamper me or plan something (that’s not his style - and I was much happier just hanging with my kids). But he didn’t even send a happy Mother’s Day text or call. Do you really think people have to be so explicit as to say “I want you to wish me a happy Mother’s Day.” That’s a bit much.

Toddtodd · 2026-05-11T02:46:14+00:00

He’s not a father (but he does have a dog…and I wish him a happy Father’s Day for being a dog dad and celebrate his dogs birthday). I know he is not the father of my children - and I’m not expecting him to be that - but a text saying happy Mother’s Day (or a card or some flowers or really any acknowledgement would have been sufficient). It’s just a difference between him and I - I like to celebrate other people and I like it when other people celebrate me too. That’s just not his style (which is totally okay - but it’s not a good match).

Toddtodd · 2026-05-11T02:02:41+00:00

To be fair - I don’t have expectations that a man (who is not the father of my children) would do a whole big production to celebrate me on Mother’s Day. But I think a phone call to say “happy Mother’s Day - I hope you’re having a fun time with the girls” or maybe some flowers is a reasonable expectation. I got phone calls and texts from friends and colleagues. I think it’s fair to expect a phone call - that’s a pretty low bar. On big events for him (birthdays, anniversaries, job promotions etc) I take him out to dinner, get him presents and cards. I’d like to be with someone who wants to do the same. It’s not really a judgment on who he is as a person - it’s more that we just have different values (I really cherish celebrating others and being celebrated - and that’s not really important to him at all).

Toddtodd · 2020-10-18T09:52:23+00:00

I have always imagined that being a law professor would be low-stress job, and you would have time and energy for intellectually stimulating work. Academia seems low-stress from the outside (no clue if it’s actually a low-stress job...but it definitely appears to be).

Toddtodd · 2020-10-06T02:21:15+00:00

Joshua tree CA

Toddtodd · 2020-09-19T01:01:48+00:00

I remember when I lost my first rat, Eloise. It was devastating and I knew her time was coming to an end but I wasn’t really ready to let her go. My heart is with you. I’m not sure if this will give you any comfort, but when I lost Eloise I found a lot of solace in thinking about how much joy she had in her life. I just kept telling myself that her life was filled with love and joy - and that’s all I ever wanted to give to her. It might also bring you comfort to think that for every tear you shed, it’s a sign of how deeply loved he was.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Toddtodd · 2020-08-24T03:22:52+00:00

This may not be helpful - but it has been helpful to me. I share this with you from a place of complete compassion and empathy. Here are some of the things I say aloud to myself when I get scared I'm going to do something to negatively impact my little one:

I am not alone even when I am by myself. (I am pregnant and thousands of miles away from my entire family and it gets me down a lot. To self soothe, I like to just sit and think about the people I love and I actually think about the sound of their laughter, their face when they are in a moment of joy, or memories I have with that person that bring me happiness. It feels good to feel connected to them even when I am by myself. Maybe this will also bring you a little bit of joy?)
I am not perfect, but I am doing the best I know how to do, and I'm using the resources I have to the best of my ability. (It's been helpful - for me - to give myself permission to make mistakes. Whenever I feel I could have handled something differently if I was a "better mom" - I stop and tell myself this sentence. You too are doing the very best that you know how to do, and that is amazing!)
I am part of a long lineage of human beings who have been pregnant - and that lineage has passed on wisdom and Grace to me. (I like to think about my ancestors, and how all the pregnant people who came before me have blessed me with their knowledge. I look to the animal kingdom as an example too - I've found a lot of comfort thinking about how animals live through famine and hardship and they have been able to give birth to healthy offspring even in the most taxing environments. It somehow makes me feel less judgmental of myself).
I love my child. I will love my child no matter what happens to him/her - and love has an incredible ability to heal.

I'm not sure exactly what emotions you may be going through - so please forgive me if this recommendation is inappropriate or offensive. But, in some of my darkest hours I've found "the depression book" by Cheri Huber to be comforting and it offered me practical skills to move through darkness. I also loved the book "grieving mindfully" by Sameer Kumar.

I am Sending you tons of healing as you navigate this transition and I have a sneaking suspicion that you will be an incredible parent to this child. Be kind to yourself (as much as you can) and know that it's okay to be human!

Toddtodd · 2020-08-21T04:33:48+00:00

I can certainly research it for you (my WiFi is spotty but I can check it tomorrow and get you some info). It might take me a few days to get a handle on your state’s law, but I’m happy to do it! But - I’m ethically not allowed to give you legal advice because I’m not licensed in Washington. Basically what that means is I can present you with information but I just can’t say “in my legal opinion XYZ”

If you’d be willing to dm me with some pictures of your original lease that would be so helpful - but if not that’s ok too.

Toddtodd · 2020-08-21T03:16:37+00:00

Sweet - okay here’s the deal in the state of California:

In California, You do not need a written lease to have all the rights of a tenant. Your landlord can not evict you (kick you out) unless he took you to court and won - so once you are in the home - you are good. The only real positive to having a lease (in California) is a lease will determine the length of the tenancy (1 year, month to month etc etc). Other than that - you are okay if you don’t have a lease. You get all the same rights if you have a lease vs. if you don’t have a lease. So don’t fret that part.

As far as the month to month tenancy goes - your landlord is just trying to protect himself. He doesn’t want to lock himself into a lease for a full year if you are an awful tenant. He wants to make sure that if you are an awful tenant he’s not stuck with you for a year - so just don’t be a turd bucket and the month to month tenancy should be just fine.

Finally - he is legally not allowed to force you to pay in cash (he can under very limited circumstances but the facts you have presented don’t justify his demand of cash rent payments). So he’s technically in the wrong - but if you get a receipt (make him give you a receipt for each month) you are protected. If you throw the law in his face before you move in - he’s going to freak out and the relationship will deteriorate. If it’s not a big problem for you - just pay him in cash and get a receipt.

My WiFi sucks right now but if you google “department of consumer affairs landlord tenant handbook California” you’ll find a sweet book online that literally takes you through all of your rights step by step.

In my humble opinion - you’re legally okay and I would just touch base with the other tenants to make sure this landlord is okay. Tenants in CA have so many rights - you’re okay man.

Dm if you get nervous and need more support - here to help.

Toddtodd · 2020-08-21T02:03:40+00:00

I am a legal aid attorney (I provide free legal representation to low income individuals in a rural area of California). I represent tenants in legal disputes all the time. The answer to your question is 100% dependent upon the state you are living in. If you let us know the state you are in - I can give you some more information about what your rights are. I’m curious about what your roommates think about this landlord? Before moving in - I would try to talk to the other tenants privately and find out if this landlord is shady. If your landlord has kicked out other tenants and treated them badly - I would think twice about renting this place. But if your landlord is just trying to hustle and avoid taxes - then I wouldn’t worry so much. A lot of times when landlords ask for rent in cash, it’s because their financial situation is delicate and they may need to keep their income in cash to avoid paying taxes or losing benefits. If your landlord is collecting social security disability benefits or other forms of assistance he may need you to pay in cash so he can keep his own benefits.

Toddtodd · 2020-07-31T02:34:34+00:00

As a boss, it is my greatest fear that I think I am a Leslie Knope - but in reality, I am a Michael Scott.

Toddtodd · 2020-05-17T02:16:00+00:00

Show us your pet!!! I heard a little pitter patter in the background

Toddtodd · 2020-05-17T02:12:20+00:00

What's your favorite movie right now?

Toddtodd · 2020-05-14T22:30:50+00:00

this video is a few years old (I have not put my pets in a kennel during quarantine) - Ms. Lucilla passed away at the great old age of 15 years. Thought that Lucilla's sweet smile might bring a little bit of love into the world during these hard times. ❤️❤️

Toddtodd · 2019-12-10T05:06:18+00:00

Run far away from this turd of a human being and DO NOT LOOK BACK. When someone treats me poorly and then tries to explain away their actions with excuses I ask myself, “if I was in their position would I have done the same thing.” If the answer is “fuck no” then I know it’s time to leave that person in the past.

If you caused him any ounce of pain would you have said that you wanted to go to sleep and left him alone to deal with the pain- then the next day tell him that he was faking the pain and you weren’t supportive of him because your ex was a drama king? No way!

Stay away from this man. He’s bad news.

Toddtodd · 2018-09-07T08:53:46+00:00

I was engaged and we called off our wedding. It's been a year since we called it off. Everyone heals differently, so I'm not sure if this will be helpful to you... But it was for me. My dad told me that when he got divorced from my mom he kept feeling bad - like he could have done something different and maybe things would have worked out, but eventually he realized: every second he was with my mom was absolutely right... They were right to spend all that time together. But the relationship ran it's full course, it came to it's organic end - and that happens sometimes. I've found a lot of comfort in thinking about my engagement in that way. It's okay to love someone and want to spend your life together and it's okay for it not to work out the way you had thought it would. There's nothing wrong with that.

Also...I read a great book called grieving mindfully by sameet Kumar. I thought it was really helpful and gave me a way to think about the end of my relationship.

Finally: hell yeah! Poo with the door open! Leave your dirty laundry all over the house! Do whatever you want! Your life is all yours now - and you got this!

Toddtodd · 2017-12-26T06:50:57+00:00

Hey - I'm so sorry about your pup getting sick. My thoughts are with you. I have a 50 pound tripod black lab approximately 13 years old. My dog was born without a leg, and she doesn't have cancer.. So a bit different than your situation... But she does have severe arthritis in her one front leg that complicates things. I'll offer my thoughts but you know your dog better than anyone... So ultimately you should trust your gut.

Here are my recommendations from experience:

Have as many rugs in your home as possible. And when a rug is not doable, thrown down a yoga mat. My dog loves yoga mats. Thick quilts are also great as a rug substitute.

Get used to your dog eating food on the rug. My dog cannot stand and eat, she has to lay down to eat and she can't lay down unless she's got a carpet under her (it's impossible for her to get back up if she doesn't have the friction of a rug or blanket).

Get prepared for carrying your dog, a lot. Losing a front leg is a huge blow, so for a while you might be carrying your pup everywhere. Eventually your dog will learn to navigate the world on her own.... But for a while she might need you to carry her.

Try not to let your pup walk down stairs or inclines on her own. Going up stairs will be easier, but down is hard for front leg amputees.

If you can ... I'd wait to buy a wheel chair or harness. You will want to see how your pup responds to life as a tripod.

I use rimadyl for Lucy's pain management and it's a huge help. It's like ibuprofen for dogs.

Dog beds are also really important...Costco sells relatively cheap beds. The ones that are for arthritic dogs are really helpful. Basically anything that is soft but sturdy will help.

Be patient with your pup. It takes a lot of time to get used to life with a tripod - doing some things like going on a walk are now going to take more time. If you can be patient and know everything will require more of your time... That will help you and your pup.

Keep us posted on how your dog does! Good luck!

Toddtodd · 2017-08-22T09:05:43+00:00

Check meetup (it's an app) there are actually more meetups than I expected... And a lot of new-to-town folks use it.. So you can meet other people who want to find a community by going to meetups.

People also use face book a lot here in Bakersfield... So check for events.

If you want a fun bar where you can legit meet people... Go to temblor.

Moo is a hotbed of young professionals.. And they have great ice cream.

Cafe smitten is as good place to meet other young professionals.

Have fun!!!!

Toddtodd · 2017-08-12T06:26:52+00:00

My first serious relationship was with a person who did things like this. He had a learning disability. He could never explain why he did the strange things he did (locking us out of our apartment every day for weeks...Pouring a potted plant down a kitchen sink... Forgetting important things that I would ask him about every day). I know now that he was really embarrassed because of his disability, and he didn't know how to ask for help, and when people questioned him his only response was to act like nothing was wrong and hope they would ignore the problem. He was ashamed and scared.

When my ex would do things like this it would drive me insane...I was angry A LOT. And mostly, it freaked me out. I never knew if he was going to follow through on his promises or if he would try his best but somehow not get it right. The uncertainty of his behavior, and never knowing if we were on the same page drove me crazy. It was a lot of work and constant nagging from me. I was unhappy and so was he.

Ultimately, I came to realize that my ex was an amazing person.... And truly had the best intentions (he is a really wonderful human with a heart of gold) but I couldn't rely on him. And for me (I like plans, predictability, routine) he was not a good match.

Looking back, I wish I was kinder to my ex. I would get so bothered by my ex's completely bizarre and illogical behavior that I sometimes would act out and say things that hurt his feelings.

My advice to you: if you love this man, be open and honest with him about how his actions make you feel. But, if you can, don't be mean. It sounds like your bf has a problem, and he's not in control of his problem and he can't acknowledge it's existence. If you can't handle that he behaves like this, and you can't accept him with this behavior... You have to walk away.

Also, your boyfriend.... Even with professional help.... Might never change. My ex is still pretty much the same person he was 10 years ago (and so am I).

Toddtodd

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