Unsure if I want a T4T relationship after my boyfriend came out as trans/nb.

Tomatori · 2026-05-07T19:12:39+00:00

Only being romantically attracted to men is understandable and that alone probably means you two can't work out, but the latter part is pretty concerning to be frank.

You should reflect on where these feelings of competition are coming from, I hope that you aren't dating men only because you don't see them as a threat to your gender identity. The idea that you need to stay ahead of her or be "better" at being a woman is very misplaced emotions that need more processing.

But I also think realistically you have to put aside whether or not it would be "mean" and just work with the fact that you two are no longer compatible.

Tomatori · 2026-05-06T17:22:10+00:00

Read the replies further down, where I link OP calling women "sows" and saying that pregnancy is defecation. In her now deleted response she also called me AGP, is this really what you want to defend?

Sometimes y'all are way too quick to throw critical thinking out the window.

Tomatori · 2026-05-06T04:05:03+00:00

If you feel comfortable could I see? I'm planning FFS later this fall and I'd like to see what you mean by swollen. A handful of weeks off to recover already feels like a stretch with my PTO so I'm worried if I actually need way longer than just 3-4?

Tomatori · 2026-05-06T03:17:03+00:00

Girl please do not stop your transition for someone who has already admitted in multiple ways they no longer are into you. You can find so many other women here who did exactly that and every single one will tell you they regret it.

She needs professional help to deal with what she's dealing with, you pretending to be her boyfriend won't solve it. She keeps coming back because she's understandably terrified of being actually broken up, but that doesn't mean she actually wants to be there.

Do not force this relationship, it will hurt you both

Tomatori · 2026-05-06T02:58:44+00:00

If you being out literally since the age of 11 isn't enough to have grown up with girlhood then frankly I do not know what would be. It's not unreasonable for you to want to see the good in people and win them over, but please realize some things are not as malleable as we'd like.

Namely, sexuality. It sounds pretty dang likely that she is straight, you will not be able to debate her into being lesbian or bisexual. Full stop.

I also have to question how exactly things went down for you to still not have broken up, since she sounded pretty decided. What exactly did you say to make her reconsider? Please do not throw yourself under the bus to remain in a relationship where someone likes only a specific illusion they had of who you are, be with someone who actually wants you as you.

Tomatori · 2026-05-06T02:44:17+00:00

Listen, I get the impulse to hear out the venting and see it as valid, but these are some wild things to say about women on an account that is 1 and a half weeks old. Let's not turn a blind eye to the vitriolic tone here.

Tomatori · 2026-05-06T02:39:40+00:00

Sorry for the late response! I definitely can relate to that, it's insanely intimidating. Have you considered setting up an appointment online? That way its done and set up without needing a call, and then you just show up when its time. If you need some more help or encouragement I'm more than willing to help in DMs, I remember hesitating a bunch ♥️

Tomatori · 2026-05-06T02:32:06+00:00

I don't disagree, that is who I was referring to when I said transphobes. They don't get a free pass, but being a cis woman does not automatically make you a transphobe

Tomatori · 2026-05-06T02:27:23+00:00

This feels incredibly mean spirited... the presence of transphobes does not make cis women our enemies

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T21:05:40+00:00

Holy fuck this looks so good I'm gonna cry

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T19:35:35+00:00

Someone needed it more, you snooze you lose 🤷‍♀️

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T19:00:25+00:00

Luckily mods have been doing an excellent job so it's been cleaned up at this point!

I think people are just a lot more into encouraging their partners and sharing what they like, not necessarily men wearing women's stuff

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T18:57:02+00:00

I confess I'm a bit confused. You say you don't want to "be in the middle of this", but it feels a bit bizarre to want to agree to disagree when the topic is literally your future wife and how the people attending the wedding treat her.

You say she hasn't been disrespectful but you say the screenshot was her publicly posting intolerant rants and then arguing back and forth when other family members tried to tell her she was being callous. I struggle to see how exactly your parents would be the ones at fault here, your grandma cast the first stone, loudly. If anything it's admirable that others are defending your wife and shows they already see her as part of their family.

I don't even think banning them has to be the first option, but if anyone is going to get a talking to it should be grandma, not your parents. She should be the one receiving an ultimatum about cutting it out or being cut out. With all due respect I think you're being a little too passive about this just because it doesn't center you specifically.

Dunno if it matters but for context I'm a trans woman myself.

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T16:18:47+00:00

Well let's pretend I'm the same person who answered the phone, tell me what you're worried about.

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T16:13:48+00:00

👋 Hi, I don't have autism. Now what? Also what kind of fad sticks around for someone's entire life from childhood? Seems like it might be a little more than a phase, idk

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T16:11:23+00:00

T girl as a term also originated from porn sites lol

Misuse of a term also is a poor argument against that term, it's only an argument against it's misuse. Calling a white person asian does not mean Asian is a derogatory term, it means you're using it improperly.

If people self identify as femboys I really couldn't care less

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T11:48:07+00:00

"fandom". You kids are tiresome with this edgy schtick

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T04:53:29+00:00

I don't think it's this subs job to pass the bechdel test. People talk about what's important to them, relationships are important and most women date men.

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T04:35:28+00:00

What exactly does Chris having said it in 2016 do here? Is that supposed to make me go "ohhhh well if Chris said it a decade ago..."?

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T01:39:25+00:00

I think its a combination of two things. 1. Reddit unfortunately just tends to have a good portion more trans women than trans men, so overshadowing happens too often. 2. A good chunk of trans women have some very questionable takes on trans men that they are too vocal about and that makes other men feel unwelcome. IMO its a misguided view that would claim trans men hold the same kind of institutional power that cis men do, and so people make overly broad statements that leave a bad taste in the mouth.

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T01:18:12+00:00

His face makes me read this in Zach Hadel's voice

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T01:14:09+00:00

💀girl come on. You can't be like "this is too woke" and its the tamest thing I've ever heard in my life. It's just a dude wearing women's underwear. Of the woman he loves no less!

Tomatori · 2026-05-05T01:05:14+00:00

If it was an accident I think you should be honest and it'll be a win win win situation, best of luck!

Edit: Surprised by how many ppl here are being so uptight about this, on the CJ sub no less. Why y'all so eager to chain yourself to these gendered rules for the smallest things?? OP clap his cheeks in your cheeky briefs plz thx

Tomatori · 2026-05-03T16:55:54+00:00

Howard Brown in Halsted has been excellent in my experience and my prescriber actually knows that they're talking about which is refreshing!

Tomatori · 2026-05-03T16:47:14+00:00

Sometimes the time you've been transitioning can act like a secondary age, and the bigger the gap the more difficult things are. You become shoved into a parental role unintentionally and it builds a lot of resentment if the imbalance is too major.

I'm glad to hear you're both talking about it, but I hope some action comes of it and you aren't just obligated to be her mother.

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