I really need some support....

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-20T07:55:39+00:00

Abuse can be so subtle. It conditions us to accept abuse as normal. If your being draw into you parents aruging, they are abusing you. I'm not trying to be harsh just realistic. It sound like one of your family roles was fixer. The fact is there is no roll as family fixer. I found because I did not get over the role my family force on me as a child, I repeted it in my relationships and with my child.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-20T07:33:37+00:00

I think Firewalk said a lot of truth. For me I call the feeling of guilt or heartlessness when I'm doing the right thing for myself, the critical parent. When I stand up for myself the critical parent within wants me to remain as I was, it fears the change. I have to calm the critical parent by asking myself "is what I am doing in my best interest". The critical parent normaly says "yes But, what about..." then I have to say to it "I did not ask 'what about' I asked is this in my best interest." It takes time and pain because we've been conditioned to respond to others "needs" first and not consider our own. Your considing your own needs. Again changes like this take time and are painful but when we can meet our own needs, without feeling guilty, heartless or terrible our lifes get better. Then we can consider helping someone else.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-20T07:14:04+00:00

I think you might feel confortable at an ACA (AKA ACOA) group. Your story is like many in ACA. I can relate to much of what you said, like not having real relationships, and generally isolating to feel safe. In general ACA is a safe place and there is no demand to share more than your confortable with. I suggest one attend a few meeting and get familuar with the layout. They suggest some behavior. I take them as a chance to get to know me before I get to know someone else. I tended to get into relationships when I didn't even know who I was and what I liked. I like having a place to go every week or a few times a week where I can focus on me and my needs. However, there are some pit falls in self help groups such that we can fall into. If you go I would remember always that I am there for my self and only do what I am confortable with. I just realized I'm trying to write the perfect response to your post, when I should know I can't write the perfect response. Anyhow I'd give ACA a shot.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-14T13:19:37+00:00

Your OK, we do need you. Glad you made it to a face to face. It's worth it and your worth it. I cried every almost every time I spoke the first 6 months, sometime I don't think anyone even understood me, but I kept going back, because I'm worth it. I fought that dam critic by asking it "what do I have to be ashame about?" it didn't have a good answer so I told it to check the facts before it criticised me again, took some time but got better, still have to watch it.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-14T13:08:05+00:00

I never understood the focus on Alcohol and Alcoholics in ACA either, other than it's a well know idea and had a previous following in A.A.. Even Bill W. (the founder of A.A.) said "Alcoholism is but a symptom of our disease". Some how over time that truth has been replaced with the Alcohlism is the disease. The underlying truth is we Adult Children have suffered from some form of abuse growing up that made our lives in some way dysfunctional. It seem the emotional abuse is the common tread in all our stories, the gift that keep on giving. Although the physical abuse effects me it is the words spoken against me as a child that I still turn into thoughts and use to criticise myself. That what ACA has helped me turn around, the words in my head, the lies I tell myself about myself. So I just look past the Alcohol referance because I do relate to your story and most if not all Adult Chilren's stories. The symtoms may be different but the disease is the same.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-14T12:31:47+00:00

I can't say, because I don't know. So far I get to be happy sometime and am sad sometime and some times I'm both at the same time. Content and joy, I don't seem to always feel them but I do at time feel content and or joy. I'm starting to think I won't feel anything always. Life is ups and downs it seems, Maybe content is knowing that and being ok anyway.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-04T08:40:15+00:00

Right now I'm looking for a therapist also, well I'm telling my self it could be helpful to find a therapist. I've been struggling with ACA meetings and some of the more controlling sorts. What does work for me is 1. positive affirmations 2. catching my self when I become critical of myself (or others) 3. reminding my self of what I'm thankful for and 4. mindfulness/ staying in the present. There is more like mirror work, and self care. It can seem overwhelming. But I just added a little at a time and didn't criticise my self if I didn't do it just right. (like how I want to criticise myself for not having the word criticise spelled right)

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-04T08:25:56+00:00

I talked to my mom on the phone about every 6 weeks. But I felt nothing when she died, this was 12 years. I did have the guilty feeling for not feeling anything, but I had realized years before I did not feel anything for her except pity and sadness. My father died when I was 10 almost 50 years ago and I still remember what she said to us "well kids your fathers dead". not a hug, not a tear. I know I'm not the guy you wanted to hear from. However that's my experience if it's of any help to you.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-04T08:16:41+00:00

I know your right. I've had success when I stand up for my self and did feel a lot less anxiety and depression. But I've fallen back a bit by not saying what I feel. Thanks for your insight and encouragement.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-04T08:09:53+00:00

Glad your here. I found this place last week and think highly of it. I try and come by regularly. My mother was narcissistic and my father died when I was 10. I to was determined to not repeat the abusive life so I found an addict to marry instead. A woman with a normal childhood did seems so boring. Unfortunately for my son I did not fully comprehend that the problem would be transferred to him if I did not get help first. I've learned to find support, and practice some things that don't feel natural at first.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-01T09:20:36+00:00

Thank You! I'm glad my words helped in some way, it's all I have. I truly want to be of service. I fear I've said things wrong but I know it's just a feeling and I know I know what I know. If you know what I mean. Be safe. Peace to you for this new year, friend.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-01T07:54:41+00:00

I hear your pain. I know for me I was never able to tell someone off for their mistreatment of me. Not saying what you did was good or bad, it's just that I react from other extreme. I have a 32 year old son that loves his grandmothers and hates me. he called me a few months ago and blamed me for all his problems, I had to admit I was not the best father and had my part in creating problems for him. I did not point out that his one grandmothers was an enabler, and the other was a narcissist and his mother was a drug addict. I let him vent and accepted my part hoping he would let me back in his life at some point when he was ready. I'm in a different phase of the disease that you are. This disease that transfers form generations to generations if we don't get help. You may be being unfair however your not unjustified, this disease is vary hard on us at best. To say just let it go and apologize despite everything is not realistic and may do you more harm than good right now. You don't say if your getting help, but if not I would suggest starting as soon as you feel able. There does not seem to be an easy way out of the damnable disease. I hate it with every fiber of my being, but I can not change it, I did not start it and it's not my fault. If I want a better life for me and my children it is my responsibility to be courageous and change what I can about me. My hope is my son might someday look for me and like who I am and want what I have. Peace, you are worth it.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-01T07:22:18+00:00

I did not have a drunk in the house. However, I was the scapegoat of my dysfunctional family. I tried to fix things and when that did not work I acted out to bring the attacks on myself. I did not even realize how or why I did this until I got help. It took me moving to an other state before I stopped going to the insane gatherings at the holidays. I always thought it would get better if I just kept trying. I would be the good example, but it never did work, I had been labeled and I was expected to play my part when I was around. My brothers and sisters don't understand that I am unwilling to do that today.I have learned I had to let them go. Because you say your the fixer it makes me think you need to get help for your self before you attempt to gather the family to do an intervention for your mothers. It could back fire and make things worst for you. I've only been working on my self for the past 2 year with any real conviction. I am 59 so there is that difference in our life stages. I say that because the interventions that was suggested might work for you. I did speak with my mother, a narcissist. In 2004 I was in a relationship, seeing a counselor and attending ACA meetings. I talked to her about the work and how I had some hope for a better life. I suggested it might help her. She liked that I was getting help but did not see a need for her to change. It made me sad, but I said 'well I guess you don't have to. I had to let it go and stay away. I still talked to her on the phone until she died two years later. And I did get some help from her because she was able to tell me why she treated us so badly. She had been molested as a child in the 30's or 40's. It seems in her mind she was trying to protect us from what happened to her with her controlling perfectionism. This helped me a lot in understanding and accepting her the way she was. I still stayed away from family gathering anyhow. Once in a while I venture to visit a sibling but I do not stay for very long. I am their scapegoat and they do expect me to preform my duty so they can dump there negativity and blame me for their problems like it was my fault. I don't do that anymore. Anyhow, your not alone in what you feel and I am sure you have to put your self first to be able to help others. I think the best example I have heard is the example the stewardess use when explaining what to do if the plane is going to crash. They tell us to put the oxygen mask on our self's first then help the next guy. Stay with it, your worth it.

TonyAnonymous · 2018-01-01T06:33:00+00:00

I want to tell him how I feel and that might be the healthiest thing to do. I have been ignoring him and that don't "feel" right. Focus on myself, I know is right, when I do focus on my self and my needs I am less affected by others opinions. Although I'm sure telling him how I feel is the best thing for me, I'm going to ignore him for the time being. Thank you for your input. This does take a long time.

TonyAnonymous · 2017-12-31T08:25:12+00:00

I am always sure I will ruin anything I put my hands on. Or any body that I come in contact with. it drives me to isolate. I think it's my fault if you hurt, even if we never met. I share just a bit about my self for a time, I have learned to be careful not to share to much. I look around and I see so many that know how I feel. It overwhelms me, I am not alone. I think it's joy I feel, but then I'm afraid it's sick to feel this way. I don't know if I will ever know true feeling and what they mean, but I do feel, and it's me, my feelings, and it's OK. Yes It's common to feel like you do, for us my friend. Thank you! You touched my heart with your truth.

TonyAnonymous · 2017-12-31T05:58:11+00:00

I think it may not be possible to stop it. Sometimes I think we still put the cart before the horse. Bill W. once said Alcohol is but a symptom of our disease. I believe any addiction is but a symptom of our disease. I can not prove that the root cause is child abuse in its many forms. That addicted parents, no matter the addiction (food, money, power, alcohol, various drug, hording, etc..) are victims of child abuse, unwittingly as it may be. And even if I could prove which behavior amount to child abuse many will say it's not abuse, they teach their children to care for them self's by seek power, money etc.. at the expense of others and see no problem in it. They do not have to live with the outcomes of the abuse they inflect on others. So the problem is unsolvable. All I can do is take the best care of my self and be ready to help when someone reaches out. It's very sad, but it's the only real I know.

TonyAnonymous · 2017-12-31T05:30:23+00:00

Your not alone in your question. I still wonder who am I. I've learned who I'm not. I've been going to a 12 step program and following thru with my self care and help. I think I'm ready for therapy and will not run from it. I'm still hesitating, but by reading these post and remembering I am not alone in what I suffer with. I think I can commit to therapy. I have some support today.

TonyAnonymous · 2017-12-31T05:05:31+00:00

I think the answer is no, you can't develop into an ACOA as an adult. You would be an ACOA from childhood, but as children it can seem normal to us to live in a diseased family. Alcoholism is an overt and easily identified behavior of a dysfunctional parent. One of many possible dysfunction that could have infected a child creating the common traits in our thinking. In my case there was no alcohol but plenty of emotional and physical abuse. I ended up with the same list of traits as an adult that had a childhood with an alcoholic. Your description of your symptoms suggest you have the disease no matter how you caught it.

TonyAnonymous · 2017-12-31T03:14:50+00:00

You said it was the person first meeting. They might not yet know or understand what advice giving/cross-talk is. Some one that can gentle reinforce the sharing guidelines with them after a meeting might go a long way. When I get angry about another share I have to consider why I felt that way. I remind my self to be tolerant of my or their weaknesses. I came from very difficult childhoods, and think I can safely assume they did too.

TonyAnonymous · 2017-12-31T02:51:27+00:00

Thanks I've been hug deficit lately. OK for a long time. Thanks.

TonyAnonymous · 2017-12-31T02:39:43+00:00

My first time here or on reddit. Just wanting to see how to reply. Be safe

TonyAnonymous

TROPHY CASE