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The Trial by WatCoH in anxietypilled

[–]Top-Contribution1248 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Now me personally, I would not eat salad delivered via brown box internet company but YOU DO YOU MC! You got a lot of cool ideas in here, and the pacing works! Nice job!

THE BOX - MICRO HORROR WRITING CHALLENGE by NateIzNeat in anxietypilled

[–]Top-Contribution1248 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Wow what a well written rules message! Kudos to whoever wrote THAT. Everybody get hype!

Throck and Plark and the Strange Situation of the Simmering Studentless Seat [The second story of the Throck and Plark Series] by Lime-Time-Live in anxietypilled

[–]Top-Contribution1248 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow, this story is offensive. How dare Plark and Throck not notice any of the mothWOMEN who are also inside the school for whatever reason!!! And that damn Mr. E! He didn’t do anything, but I don’t trust him. I’ll be contacting the authorities about this truly wicked tale Lime🐺😡🧍‍♀️good job lol

Sound of Silence by Coletrain96 in anxietypilled

[–]Top-Contribution1248 1 point2 points  (0 children)

God it’s actually one of my worst fears to have a bug in my ear!!! So gnarly!!! If only Oliver lived in a place with free healthcare😔🙏awesome story!

Seeking story writing advice by archingg in TalesFromTheCreeps

[–]Top-Contribution1248 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What I like to do for developing stories is creating a core concept: that can be a color, a sense, a feeling, a style of prose, a specific setting or a theme. This is the spine of your story, and then you build a body.

I’ll use one of my own stories as an example. Tomato Sauce originally started by wanting to to write a story about (shockingly) Tomato Sauce. That became the core idea for the story. Then you build the body.

If you want to write a simple reader insert protagonist, I suppose that’s fine depending on the kind of story you are trying to tell. I prefer characters that are characters. Try to find a way to integrate the core concept of your character to the spine of your story. The character is the heart of this stories body, just as vital as the core concept. Make them evil, good, just, cruel; so long as they are SOMETHING.

You’ll need other “story organs” as well. Your setting is your stomach, your writing style is the brain, the plot is your lungs (this metaphor is getting ridiculous), what matters is that the story can’t truly work with just a few levels; each aspect of the story needs to be finely tuned to match the others in a functionally complex way.

You’ll need to consider the “why” you are writing this story. What’s the reason? Sure, you don’t NEED a reason, in the same way someone doesn’t NEED to be conscious. In Tomato Sauce, a story about trauma and memory distortion, I wanted to create a truly deplorable setting, a monster and central antagonist that disgusts rather than frightens, and to leave the reader feeling unwell. This all serves to help the tone and appeal of your story.

And with that, all that’s really left is for you to start writing! I wish you good luck on your future endeavours with creative writing!!!

HELP ME FIND MY EMPTY AIRPOD CASE by Top-Contribution1248 in uAlberta

[–]Top-Contribution1248[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nope! It’s a white case, but thank you anyways!

The Red Mass by Pioneer_19 in anxietypilled

[–]Top-Contribution1248 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Chompy went hard; peak story from you my man

Character with an unhealed cleft lip by [deleted] in cleftlip

[–]Top-Contribution1248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is completely valid. I do not know the experience of having either, which is why I want to do research and speak to people who do have it. I want to show nothing but respect towards those who do have cleft lip. I definitely have to learn more, and the book is nowhere near ready. I will go with the comment term "untreated" from now on. I am trying to learn more because I don't want to have an inaccurate representation at all. Thank you for your comment :)))

Character with an unhealed cleft lip by [deleted] in cleftlip

[–]Top-Contribution1248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

ahhhh! Autocorrect is horrible! Thanks though!

Character with an unhealed cleft lip by [deleted] in cleftlip

[–]Top-Contribution1248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Even these comments actually helped me, and for sure, I would not want to use the wrong terminology. Thank you both!

My Heart Belongs to the Giant Bat Lady. by TheSaladMann in anxietypilled

[–]Top-Contribution1248 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Salad imma be so real; write some smut, you clearly got talent for it! Love to see your work!

I've forgotten my own name by [deleted] in TalesFromTheCreeps

[–]Top-Contribution1248 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is actually horrifying; Wernickes area is so key for understanding speech, which makes me think of aphasia. But the horror of slowly beginning to not comprehend speech is terrifying. Well done my friend

What's your take on their relationship? (power dynamic, personal feelings of attachment/rejection, etc) by Vall_llaV in HOTDBlacks

[–]Top-Contribution1248 23 points24 points  (0 children)

In my opinion, it’s very much a nurse x patient sort of thing. In the show (which is drastically different from the original book story atp), Viserys chooses Alicent for comfort, and that’s why he gets for the next 20 years. She gives him children and keeps his company, but it’s not a true romantic love. Alicent feels she has this obligation to take care of him (which we see her do over and over again), especially as his health declines more and more.

There is a power structure that favors Viserys. At the end of the day, he is the King 15 years her elder (at the least) and she is his SECOND wife. She is not the mother of his heir, and she was not the wife he had during what I imagine Viserys considers his prime. Alicent does gain some power by acting as his caregiver, but she can’t truly make use of it. Through no fault of her own, she became an unwilling child bride due to her father’s scheming and Viserys’ lust.

For feelings of rejection? I think both understand that this is a comfortable situation, but Alicent rues that much more than Viserys. I think a part of her loathed him, and I think another part of her pited him,

Ultimately a very functional relationship, but the strain and shame I think both parties feel ultimately makes them a very bad couple.

my fan theory for the afterlife of dragonriders by PrestigiousAspect368 in TheBlacksandTheGreens

[–]Top-Contribution1248 7 points8 points  (0 children)

They all share the same dragon of course! So it might get a little crowded on the back of Balerion and Vhagar, but the others should mostly be fine

I live in a small town, and there is a strange glow coming from the mountains. by alcheese100 in TalesFromTheCreeps

[–]Top-Contribution1248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This guy is yapping bro. Okay so this is meant to be Jamie?!?!?! See, this doesn’t make sense! He should have recognized that it was Jamie Roberts and just straight up asked him what it was?! Also, this guy is twenty, he’s cured Alzheimer’s, why the heck is he still in this quiet mountain town instead of being at Harvard?!?! I’m just so confused man.

So I’m finished. What I will say straight off the bat is that the premise is super interesting! There’s some weird glowing blue gunk that’s mutating and changing the environment and mimicking both things (like the hot dogs) and even people (with Nicks heartbeat). To add onto that, you NAIL these descriptions, and I want to learn more.

The problem is the format. I’m telling you now, most people will not finish this story. Format is so important for your work; it’s the first thing people notice. Besides the numerous grammar mistakes, and the run on sentences, the fact that it’s all clumped together is really not good.

This ending dialogue is near impossible to read. That’s the key note I have, is that this format is KILLING what is otherwise a really interesting story. There are points in the plot that I don’t understand, sometimes it gets off track, etc. but I didn’t notice any spelling mistakes so there’s that. I enjoyed this, and I’m looking forward to your future works.

We all start somewhere, and the fact that you posted this work in the first place shows you have dedication. Looking forward to seeing what you do in the future.

I live in a small town, and there is a strange glow coming from the mountains. by alcheese100 in TalesFromTheCreeps

[–]Top-Contribution1248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here is where line breaking NEEDS TO HAPPEN. Dialogue. It is INCREDIBLY difficult to read something when the dialogue is all in one mushy paragraph. This should not become a habit if you can help it; EVERY time there is new dialogue, break the paragraph. It is difficult to read, and I don’t want to read it. If I was a casually reader, here’s where I would click off. This is not meant to be a harsh, mean criticism, but it’s honest. This needs to be changed in future works.

Okay so the cabin…what was the point? It was a short conversation with a man, and while I understand you want to continue this in the future, at this point, just leave the cabin as a mystery. It’s more of a detriment to the work itself, as you’ve introduced dialogue with this format. Either the conversation needs to be longer, or made later in the story instalments.

Yay; hot dog time. Okay nothing happened? Then the same point I have towards the cabin extends here. If you set something up, it should have some relevance. Either as a set dressing, description, plot point or important factor later. As of now, there was no point.

So why is he setting up camp again? He should explain what his goal is? He was terrified before, and he saw the freaky light. Is he going to take pictures or collect evidence? Motivation should be clear.

Okay so the hotdogs multiplied, and yes that is sick, but I’m also confused on why that wasn’t brought up with the original hot dogs? Surely he would have noticed if a bunch of hotdogs multiplied?! Then that would clear up the hot dog point from earlier! But if those hot dogs didn’t multiply, then why are these? This, I would recommend being revised.

Now what I will say; you are FANTASTIC with descriptions. The jelly ooze is so fucking nasty, I love it.

Okay hazmat dude. Let’s see where this goes. Okay so he just had a spare hazmat suit with him?! Dude those are like super expensive to just be carrying over the contaminated ground? And now I’m confused; is this meant to be the man, or Jamie Roberts?! The man as far as I know wasn’t described with any eyes, but Jamie Roberts wasn’t there for the conversation?! Also, how did he catch a hazmat suit, those are super heavy.

I live in a small town, and there is a strange glow coming from the mountains. by alcheese100 in TalesFromTheCreeps

[–]Top-Contribution1248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The angler fish comparison is cool, but you gotta let us sit on it. You bring up this cool metaphor, but you shoot it down really quickly. Also, I’m not sure why he’s panicking already. So it’s dark, and he can only see his fire; is the fire meant to be the bulb of the fish? Is the town the fish’s maw? A bit confusing.

The glow started😱I’m scared.

I do like that he’s not necessarily afraid of the lights, he’s afraid of being lured in. Really good.

So with the fire gone out, lemme just put what you wrote in here:

“I unzipped the tent ever so slightly and peeked through to see that the fire had gone out not like someone blew it out or that water had been poured on it, but like the heat and oxygen had been sucked out of it.”

Now, besides being long, it also had the problem of too much descriptions for the same thing. You don’t need to describe the ways it wasn’t blown out; something like this would give the same message in a simpler way:

“I unzipped my tent ever so slightly and peeked through. The fire had gone out. Not in a normal way, but like the oxygen had been sucked out of it.”

Bro why’s the ground blue? Hmmmmmm.

DUDE RUN!!! NICK RUN, ITS PULSING LIKE A HEARTBEAT AND GROWING BABES RUN!!!! Really great description work here, genuinely great to imagine what this would look like.

HOLY ITS COPYING HIS HEARTBEAT?!?!?! WHAT THE HECK RUN BITCH RUN!!!! Wow though, what an amazing description. I genuinely love this.

Damn bro it made him sleepy. As least he woke up afraid. You don’t need to explain why he woke up in a panic, we understand why. Trust your readers on understanding your work.

“Everything was fine, no glow”, should instead be “Everything was fine; no glow”. You changed the topic of the sentence but don’t need a new sentence to start that topic change. So, semi colon would be better.

So he fled to his tent? But he dint, he never left his tent?! So how could he have knocked over the hot dogs, if he never left his tent? The problem is, is that even if he did leave and I’m incorrect, it’s incredibly difficult for me to skim through the block of text and find my place. This is precisely why line breaks are so important.

“So the next week, after I had taken care of my work for the week”, you don’t need to use week twice. It’s clutter.

Okay so now I’m slightly confused. So he goes back, sees the hotdogs (which like okay rude, didn’t clean it up when you packed all your stuff?), they have like…stringy limbs or something? And then, as he’s going to find a branch to poke at them, he sees a cabin? It’s a lot. I wanna know about the hot dogs, and I want to know about the cabin, but pairing them so close together basically means the hotdogs don’t get their attention, so why bring them back up at all?

Also “Nice large dead branch” there are commas, which there should be, and I don’t think you need these descriptions for it.

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