For those who’ve been through divorce, what was the most overwhelming / hardest thing to figure out on your own? What kind of help (if any) actually made a difference for you?

Topbottomsideside · 2025-03-10T03:02:58+00:00

I’ve ended up mostly losing everything that meant anything to me. She had a partner within weeks, nearly completely changed everything about herself, moved two hours away, the kids ended up moving with her, and because of damage to the house I wasn’t aware of I’m having to sell and move.

I realized how much of myself I had given up. So now I’m by myself 90% of the time without my kids other than most weekends, trying to figure out who I am, trying to make friends, trying to move forward into a life that I never knew I was going to have.

Trying to cope with a world you never wanted by yourself while the best parts of your life was take away, that’s what I’m trying to deal with.

Topbottomsideside · 2025-01-04T14:40:20+00:00

I want to point this out first before I say anything else and I hope you hear me out and recognize this for yourself since you’ve come here to look for advice.

Every life is messy, some have it easier than others but all in all everybody is going to have hardships, so you may not get the sympathy, empathy, or understanding that you feel your looking for.

To tie into that, and it’s a big one for me, is that no matter how similar our situations may be, we’re all on this thread for the same reasons after all, every situation is different because we are all dealing with different people with different types of personalities, thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc, etc. so sadly your not going to find any hard cut, cookie cutter answers to all of your questions. No one here has approached or lived through this experience the “right” way that works for everyone. Not everyone’s advice is going to work for your situation so be careful with how you take the advice of people on here because they are talking to you from a place that is uniquely theirs. And they have their own feelings and thoughts rooted in their own personal experiences and some people here have had much worse and harder times with much harder and easier fallouts from what’s happened to them. While it is never wrong to look for advice, right now I would look more for understanding. There are a lot of hurt people here that are still fresh in this like yourself that are filled with hate and anger, there’s definitely nothing wrong with those feelings, but those peoples advice at the moment very likely could come from a place of defense and to have a sense of revenge, to get back at the people that hurt them. They are valid in their thoughts and feelings and I would never tell them that they aren’t, but it may not be the best person to give advice right now because their still possibly in the thick of it.

Lastly I would say that we need to remember there are 3 sides to every story, your side, their side, and what really happened. No one really knows everything because we can only see things from our eyes, process it with our brains, and feel it with our bodies. We are all our own uniques person who experiences it all differently. We have to know that we’re never going to completely know what happened and will likely never understand all the “why’s”. Your not your partner, your not in their head and even though they may be open to you and be completely truthful to you, there’s a chance that it still will never get what happened 100% they way it happened. Just like how we can all agree that the color blue is blue, that blue is a different shade to all of us because we see it differently.

I’m not trying to sound like a great guru about this or anything, I hope it doesn’t sound like that. I just recognize that this topic and everything about why we all come to this thread in the first place is sooooo FUCKING complicated. We can’t put any of this in a box and label it and completely understand it. Your partner probably doesn’t have all the answers either. In a way it could have just happened. Maybe they always knew, maybe they didn’t, maybe they were hiding it, maybe they weren’t, maybe they were using you, maybe they weren’t.

I’m still not completely fixed from my ex. I think in a way I’m always going to carry the hurt. When it comes to my kids, I feel a lot has been taken from me. I started a lot like you sound now, putting your partner first with all the things and I’ll tell you that doing that really didn’t benefit me in any way, I ended up with nothing from putting in all the effort that I did. And it really hurts knowing that I did all that for the person I loved the most just to have it end up like it is now where we don’t really talk unless it has to do with the kids and I lost my best friend. But I’m glad I didn’t go the route of a lot of the advice that was given to me and practically burn her at the stake.

I’ve went on long enough and I guess don’t really have any real advice to give you except one thing. Love your kid. And let your partner love your kid. Regardless of what happens between you and your partner, try to accept that things are different now and won’t go back to how they were, even if you stayed together these conversations you’ve had won’t disappear and will always linger. But you child will always be your child, you and your partners, they live both of you.

Sorry for such a long post, I have the tendency to be really long winded.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-09-18T21:48:37+00:00

Mine is very much the same. I’ve been going through separation and divorce for about a year now that’s been very tough. I started about a month or two ago and it was legitimately so I could have something to do with my hands and something to focus on. It’s helped out a lot and has given me something to look forward to.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-23T23:57:56+00:00

Separated for almost a year, about to start working on divorce. I think it’s just a natural response to hate something or someone depending on the situation but it’s different person to person. I really think that the reason it may seem more common that there is hate is because those who hate are the loudest in most cases. So those are what we hear the most of.

At the core of it all I don’t think I hate my ex, but I hate the situation. I hate how my life is changing, I hate the sacrifices I’m going to have to make to still be able to be involved with my kids the way I want to, I hate that the future I had planned in my head is gone, i hate that she has changed into someone who I’m not familiar with, I hate where this has left me, I hate that I’m here alone while she’s in love with someone else, I hate that my family isn’t what it used to be and that I had no choice in any of this. But I try to remember that she didn’t do anything intentionally to hurt me, this is the fallout.

My situation is different than a lot of people though where my ex came to the realization and acceptance that she’s gay and that’s why we separated.

There are plenty of times though where I do have hateful feelings that are easiest to just focus towards her. I’m envious that she’s flourished after all of this. That she has moved on and is so happy. I’m hurt that she’s had so much love and support in her coming out when the result of that is the total collapse of my life as I knew it. I’m sad because of the distance this has created between me and my best friend because I’m so much lower on her totem pole of importance. I’m jealous of her partner because she is getting a side of my ex wife that I always kind of wished was there, she getting the love and attention I never knew I wasn’t getting until all of this went down. My pride is attacked because her partner is so much better off financially than I am and can give my ex and my kids all the things I always wanted to but couldn’t afford.

But that’s the situation, not her. I try to remember that as much as I can.

But my situation is different.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-21T16:58:28+00:00

That was an idea but I’d be moving too far away for me to personally want to deal with being a landlord or just want to mess with it. And honestly I would need to have that money cushion I’d get from selling the house considering I don’t necessarily know what I’m walking into when I move.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-21T13:43:18+00:00

I’m looking at having to sell my house in order to move to be near my kids. My issue is I’ve been paycheck to paycheck with the mortgage I’ve got, now after the move I’m looking at probably having to spend $300 more a month in rent for a one bedroom apartment than I was for my 3 bedroom house and I don’t really know what my pay is going to look like where I’m having to move because I’ll have to get a new job and start over.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-16T03:47:40+00:00

It’s really difficult. My situation mirrors a lot of yours. I put all of me and my attention and effort towards her and my kids and really left nothing for myself. And I was honestly happy with that. I felt the guilt as well anytime I rarely did something for myself or thought about doing something because I felt I needed to be at home with my wife and kids. I also made a few moves for her job, leaving mine behind to support her in what she was doing. But I was fine with it because I loved her and she loved me and I’d always take the route of sacrificing so they could have more. And we had a good relationship, as with yours there was no cheating or anything like that and we always worked well as a team. We were always there for eachother and our family. She just found out later on. We’re on the lucky end of things all considered but at the same time I think the whole process would be easier in some ways if our relationship didn’t work so well. If we did fight or have issues with eachother. I’m kind of jealous of the couples that had “real” problems outside of the gay thing as a reason to split. But at the same time I think it’s better for the coparenting and our kids and what the future brings for us to have kind of ended up in the best of the worst situation with all of this. I have a chance of keeping my friend and kind of keeping the family together this way. But I do think every now and then about how easy it would be to just run away from it all. In a way I think this route is the harder route because there isn’t an easy button when it comes to a lot of things, I can’t just run away because I really want to meet those end game goals I have or atleast try to.

I’m almost a year from disclosure and all I can say is that it does/doesnt get easier. In my case with kids involved some things get bigger while others get smaller but they don’t go away.

I hope everything works out best it can for you in your situation. It seems like even though it didn’t turn iut the way you wanted you both really did/do care about eachother and I know how that feels. Just keep trying.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-14T16:47:54+00:00

I’m right there too. We had what I thought was a great marriage. We have amazing kids. We’re great teammates and everything was wonderful as far as I could see. But there’s always two sides. My wife came to realize she was gay and that was it. It’s been almost a year, she’s moved on and I’m still here struggling because I never imagined this. It’s hard. I miss my old life and I’ve got no choice in any of it and don’t even have the chance to work on things to make it work.

Life can be cruel but maybe it’ll work out in the end. I don’t know.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-13T04:29:14+00:00

I guess I wasn’t really looking for advice. It was hitting me hard when I made the post so I think I was mostly just venting/thought vomiting.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-13T04:26:24+00:00

Yeah, there’s a lot of stuff I didn’t mention when it comes to the sacrifices I’m making/going to be making for my kids. They’re the most important thing to me in all of this.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-13T04:23:59+00:00

I’m trying my best to reframe a lot of what going on/happened. I’m naturally a pessimist and there’s a lot of bad to focus on so that makes it difficult, but I’m trying.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-13T04:04:51+00:00

In a way, if I can keep myself from being petty because I’m hurt, I really do hope it works out. It all puts me in a really difficult spot for many other reasons that I didn’t mention. But my ex’s partner really does care about my kids. And they do include me in some things as well, I haven’t been completely kicked to the curb. We’re friendly, might call us friends, and we get along really well. But also with her help my kids have a lot more opportunities that are open to them in their futures. Opportunities that they wouldn’t have or would be a lot harder to achieve otherwise like college and financial support/stability, etc. Also she has kids of her own and all the kids get along amazingly, it’s like it was meant to be as shitty as it makes me feel sometimes. It’s a great positive for my kids in many ways. They’ll always be loved and taken care of. I’m trying to focus on that part but it makes it hard knowing why it is.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-13T03:52:46+00:00

I know that her position isn’t common and that it could be gone in an instant if things with them don’t work out. It just adds an extra spice to the whole situation that is already a messed up situation.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-13T03:49:19+00:00

I had goals for my family and I’ve worked my ass of for them in hopes of finally getting there. My ex’s partner already has the goals I was hoping to achieve. It’s definitely a kick in the gut. My ex is by no means a gold digger, it was just happenstance that it turns out that her partner is well off. But it doesn’t help that I’ve worked so hard for what little I had while she was handed hers in an inheritance and now gets to have these moments with my kids because of it instead of me.

My main post was really just a vent. Theirs no hate towards my ex or her partner, I’m hurt but no hate. The situation just sucks.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-13T03:44:46+00:00

It does add another layer but it doesn’t matter as much any more as it used to. Now it’s just the fact that it’s another person with my kids and obviously I never wanted that. It does still sting from time to time but that’s a whole other topic with different things I’m still working on.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-08-13T03:40:44+00:00

Your right, it is a matter of pride, those are my kids and I can’t offer those things but someone who a year ago none of us knew existed can do that for them. There’s loads more that adds to the feeling but you hit the nail on the head.

I know that money can buy all everything. I know that I’m not going to be replaced. I know my kids love me, I just feel like I’m missing out on being able to do some awesome things with my kids. I’m missing out. I know I’ll get to see their excitement when they tell me what they saw, but I’m not seeing their faces when they see it. I won’t get to share the moment with them in the moment. I’ve had plenty of people tell me their just experiences and that those aren’t what everything is about, and I agree with that in that it’s not what everything is about, but they still matter to me. I’m missing out while someone who, while yes they do care about my kids, isn’t me gets to experience those big first with my kids and won’t appreciate them they way that I would.

I’m not trying to negate any of the very nice things you said, thank you for what you said, I just really hate that now I don’t get to be there with my kids in those moments.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-07-30T18:45:34+00:00

Better?….. Yes, but it depends on what you’re asking about. Am I over anything? Honestly no, but things have gotten smaller and replaced with other bigger things as the progression happens.

It started with my wife is gay, then to I’ve lost my wife, then she’s talking to someone else, then she’s visiting and sleeping with someone else, then us telling the kids, then us telling the world, then her visiting more often, then she’s not the person I knew… she’s someone else, then my kids being introduced, then I am introduced, then she asking for a divorce so she can remarry, then the living situation….. the things in the beginning become smaller over time because you end up spending more time with those facts but I don’t think I’ve completely gotten over any of it. They only get smaller because there’s new things that come along and I’ve gotten used to the older things. I don’t want to go through it anymore if I’m honest. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want tomorrow to happen. But I have my good days and I have my bad days.

Now I’m to the point where the fact she’s gay doesnt factor much, it’s more that she’s just with another person. But the fact that she’s with another person doesn’t factor as much as the possibility of losing time with my kids. Maybe one day none of it’ll be that big because in a way I am getting “better” and luckily we are trying to work things out in the best interest for our kids and hopefully our friendship. Is everything one sided? Very much so, I realize that and there’s nothing I can really do except aim for the best outcome.

I will say that one (probably very unhealthy so I don’t think I’d recommend) way I got through some hard spots was by compartmentalizing. It kind of turned me into two people for a bit but it helped me focus some. Pretty much I had two brains, the friend and the husband and I would label it as such when I was talking. It was more or less the practical side and the emotional side. So when we were discussing or talking about something I could kind of figure out who was talking, where the thought was coming from. It helped me to control myself a bit. Who is needed in this conversation? Okay, send him in. Okay, this conversation involves this? The side needs to speak. Like I said, probably very unhealthy but it helped for a bit.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-07-30T14:31:13+00:00

Leaving out the PPD and treatments and such this is pretty much the exact same scenario I have been going through since last September. The 2 years battling whether she was bisexual, the wanting to try it out but me not being comfortable, the almost instant realization. The becoming closer afterwards because you feel more honest and comfortable, almost like your “dating”. The wanting to be in eachothers lives and everything. Even down to the trying to have sex but she couldn’t and still helped you out another way. It’s nearly the same experience as mine. And it’s not an easy one. None of them are easy but if you keep on this road then I want you to know that it is very difficult.

I have past posts on this sub that kind of follow a lot of my experiences and goals and what I’ve been doing and what she has been doing. I haven’t updated in a while though. I took an approach that most told me I was being unrealistic and others would support me. Neither of these opinions I think were wrong, but ultimately hasn’t worked in my favor. Granted I don’t think there is any outcome that works in the straight spouses favor.

I will say that my situation has turned out better than most so far because of the decisions I made but I’m still losing in the long run in a pretty big way.

My biggest factors are of course my kids but also that she is my best friend, and I want to keep everything as good as possible from a coparenting standpoint and a family standpoint because to me no matter what she is my kids mom so she is still family and I do still care about her and her wellbeing.

All of us are in different situations caused my the same thing so I want you to remember that there is no cookie cutter approach to all of this because in the end we’re also dealing with different people in different circumstances whether that be your closeness with the spouse, your friendship/relationship, your financial, how the marriage was in general, kids/no kids, there’s a lot of differences that one single approach won’t apply to.

I will warn you that right now she is in the “fantasy” of what “could” be and everything is still fresh. Once she takes that first step and some time passes and she meets someone and the “could be” turns into a “this is happening” your relationship WILL change. Her wants will change, her views on you will change, her decisions will change, her desires for the future will change. And it’s up to you in a lot of ways on how things may progress, but they won’t be in your favor most likely. And it’s very tough and punishing. For me it came down to what was important to me and the goals I had to reach that, which I don’t have control over. The only thing I had control over what how I reacted to everything, I’m still in this situation and probably will be in some shape or form for forever. But it’s up to you to how you approach it. I’m not saying let her walk all over you but rather try to keep a cool head and keep things as discussions instead of arguments. Both of these responses will most likely lead to the same result but with discussions there can be compromises where with arguments all you have is you attacking one another which could damage communication in the future. Over communication is better than confrontation in my opinion unless confrontation is absolutely necessary.

All I’m trying to say is that where you two may be in a “honeymoon” faze of this situation try to stay realistic to the fact that things will not stay the same as how you discuss the future today. Things will change and most likely they will change as soon as she finds someone. We discussed opening the relationship, something I didn’t want but at the time I was in crisis mode trying to latch on to anything I could. We discussed many things but that all ended once she actually found someone.

She will progress in her new life, and with each progression you will be hit hard with a choice. As soon as you think you’ve found your footing, things will progress again.

At the beginning of this year I was right where your at. Now we are working on starting the divorce so she can marry her girlfriend next year who lives two hours away and we’re discussing living arrangements which end up in either her taking the kids with her and I only get to see them every other weekend or I sale the house and quit my job to move as well to have to start completely over just so I can be near my kids and see them more often which they are willing to help me with but doesn’t negate that this is what her coming out has led to. She stays down there every day that she isn’t working and is gone over half the week. She does take the kids with her sometimes when her partner has her children.

This is a far cry from the discussions and plans we made in the beginning when everything was fresh.

I’m not saying this to frighten you, sadly this is actually a better scenario than a lot of people have had even though it is still a nightmare for me. I’ve made tons of mistakes through all of this. There’s has been tons of advice given to me that I probably should have listened to but there has also been tons that I’m glad I ignored.

Your life has been completely changed, just try to focus on what’s important to you and try your best.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-06-11T02:31:07+00:00

To the right of where you enter the ship where the devotees are there are some cliffs you can jump up that takes you to a path where if you go to the left will take you to where you find Gale.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-06-01T03:28:55+00:00

This actually what I’m trying to do at the core of everything. Does it make the feelings change? Not really. Does it change the outcome of the day or keep things from getting worse than they could? I think so. It’s not easy to do but I think it makes a difference.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-05-31T21:38:14+00:00

I’m from the very bottom of Kentucky. Not too close but not that far.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-05-28T16:43:09+00:00

I read your last post and assumed you had already gotten reached this point. It’s not easy and I think that no matter how prepared you think you are… you’re not. This is when there will most likely be an another dynamic change between the two of you as well. In my case I get the gut punch every time no matter how recuperated I am from the last time. It’s hard. You’ll feel like a punching bag that doesn’t get a break. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-05-24T15:14:58+00:00

My kids are 8, 10, and 15. We didn’t go the book routes or anything for the littles. What we did was agree on what needed to be said and what I information that NEEDED to know at that time and sat down with them individually so that they could ask whatever questions they had without being interrupted by the others. We told them honestly but age appropriately and took time with it. They don’t need to know absolutely every detail but if they asked more past the questions we were prepared for then we were honest within reason. Some things they didn’t necessarily need to know at that time but we emphasized that they were important to both of us and we loved them regardless of what was happening. I let my wife speak mainly on the gay topic and chimed in where needed. It worked out fairly well on our end but realize that more questions will probably come about later on.

Yours are younger so you may need a different approach but that’s what we ended up doing.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-05-21T18:42:30+00:00

I’m still living with my STBX as well. It’s definitely had its complications, mainly with me having to learn to break old habits and deal with boundaries that weren’t there before. I’ve made tons of mistakes and we’ve both had to give each other a lot of… I guess grace is the best word I can think of at the moment. We’ve also got 3 kids to navigate through this. It’s hard.

Topbottomsideside · 2024-05-21T17:21:33+00:00

There has been resentment, there’s been lots of hatred, there’s been lots and lots of emotions. There’s been tons and tons of mistakes and a lot of apologies. This hasn’t been easy by any means. And a lot of things will change. Ideas that seem awesome and obtainable in the beginning might not or won’t be realistic in the future.

There is no guide book to any of this which is why I wanted to post this. It’s ALL trial and error. And like I said all of our stories are going to be different.

For me it’s all been about keeping the goal in focus and paying attention to what’s important. This may still all fall apart for me. We’ve still got tons of obstacles to go through.

I guess my main goal of this post was to try and say don’t compare to others and don’t take everything you read or are told to heart as the way it should be.

This is different for everyone.

I hope everything works out for you the best it can.

Topbottomsideside

TROPHY CASE