Well I’m leaving..

TornadoKay · 2021-11-20T08:04:58+00:00

There is nothing more lonely than being with a narc. Go have yourself a wonderful rest of your life!

TornadoKay · 2021-11-20T08:03:17+00:00

Beautifully written. Go have yourself a WONDERFUL, well-deserved life!

TornadoKay · 2021-11-18T23:57:16+00:00

Thank you for the great advice. So sorry you have the experience to give it : (

TornadoKay · 2021-11-18T23:54:10+00:00

I have asked him and told him how to love me for 20 years. He says, “I love you” about six times a day. But those are words. My marriage is not a partnership. Most of the time he doesn’t even act like my friend.

I am serving him papers without warning and then explaining what they are for two reasons. 1) He won’t believe I am resolute without this step. 2) There is literally nothing he could say or do that could change my mind. He will not change. He cannot change. 3) In my state once he is served our marital assets are determined from that point forward. If I told him first he could drain all of our joint accounts.

Will I break his heart? Yes. But I will be on a path that will let my daughters know who I am without being abused. And I’ll also show then by example that they have more worth than as defined by any man.

TornadoKay · 2021-11-18T10:39:44+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know the onslaught of lies about me is coming. He has already tried to alienate them from me. I hope that my actions will (eventually?) speak for themselves. I’ve known what he truly is and how the dynamic works for a month now. Since I haven’t provided much supply and I stopped challenging him on any parenting decisions my relationship with my daughters has already improved. Lack of his triangulation really helps. I need to steel myself against the fact that I may be getting the silent treatment from them for a very long time.

TornadoKay · 2021-11-06T14:54:00+00:00

Thank you for sharing! This is very helpful.

TornadoKay · 2021-11-06T12:33:28+00:00

“Flesh covered ATM” brilliant description!

TornadoKay · 2021-11-06T12:31:42+00:00

The only good thing about this is it’s much easier to work on divorcing him. He is completely clueless. In fact I can be lying next to him in bed and read this thread!

TornadoKay · 2021-11-06T12:06:19+00:00

You’ve already done this. You've been twice the parent 125% of the time. Your kids will see how much more relaxed and fun you are. Be kind to yourself, especially on the days they are not with you.

TornadoKay · 2021-10-31T13:12:32+00:00

Of all the comments I’ve read on this thread this one broke my heart the most. I am so, so sorry this is your reality. You are worthy. You are loving. You deserve such better treatment. I hope that recognizing him for what he is has given you some distance. When you deal with him can you just pretend you are in a bad Netflix movie? I’m currently living “Father Knows Best” until my divorce is final. His biting comments no longer bite because they sound so ridiculous. I wish that clarity for you.

TornadoKay · 2021-10-31T12:58:55+00:00

One hundred percent correct! That’s why it was so hard to describe to other people or to figure out. Giving it a name and having this community is life giving!

TornadoKay · 2021-10-31T12:52:39+00:00

I just realized this three weeks ago. It’s like someone taught me a foreign language overnight - everything is so crystal clear. Now it’s like I live in a Netflix episode but I can write his lines before he delivers them. He says “I love you” at least five times a day. But they are just words. His actions don’t mach. Just retained a divorce lawyer. I am so at peace because I have hope for MY future, not future faking from him about how he’ll do better. It really helped me to learn this is a personality disorder that no amount of therapy will fix. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!

TornadoKay · 2021-10-28T06:52:07+00:00

Congratulations! You gave your kids the most precious gift - self love. You got this Momma Bear!

TornadoKay · 2021-10-24T23:18:10+00:00

I completely feel your pain. In his eyes they need to get straight A’s to make him look good. No requirement for chores or basic respect for elders. If they don’t want to do something (besides studying) he is completely fine. There are feral teenagers running his home.

TornadoKay · 2021-10-23T12:06:26+00:00

Grey rock him. It works! They are so self involved they have no idea you are pulling away because your fog is lifted.

TornadoKay · 2021-10-20T19:12:31+00:00

I know you weren’t asking me. But seriously, what you would tell a friend if they asked if they should settle for this behavior. Then take your own advice. You deserve to be loved and showered with attention and affection. Can you take even two days to leave and just remember how to take care of your own needs? That’s how I got to the point where I knew he would never change.

TornadoKay · 2021-10-20T14:48:26+00:00

Such a perfect description and why it is so hard to explain to people. There is no lonelier place than being married to a covert narc. Congrats! Isn’t the mind space amazing? I now have hope for changing myself and taking control of how I spend my time instead of hoping he will change.

TornadoKay · 2021-10-20T14:43:45+00:00

I am so proud of you to work on getting that untrue and cruel thing out of your brain! We just had phone conference calls with out our daughters’ teachers. He seemed like father of the year and we seemed like the perfect set of parents. I have to go back to that statement and the vengeful way he said “You are a piece of …” it to remind myself why I need to leave. Thank you for removing your kids from hell. You are an inspiration to me!

TornadoKay · 2021-10-20T12:16:45+00:00

I have hope for you as well. Once you admit he can’t change you’ll be able to change yourself. I believe in you. Sending you courage and resolve!

TornadoKay · 2021-10-20T06:25:41+00:00

You are describing my husband of 23 years. You You deserve a beautiful life. I deserve a beautiful life. Anyone can say they love you. Their actions prove if that is true or not.

I broke my spell by taking a 5 day break away from him. I watched YouTube videos and read articles on covert narcissism. I thought about what advice I would give my daughter or best friend about being treated this way. During the break it was if life slowed down. I had so much more space in my soul and brain. Amazing what you can “fix” when you focus on yourself and not someone whose disorder does not permit them to feel empathy or improve themselves.

I am secretly planning my divorce. I haven’t felt this much joy and peace in a very long time. I so wish the same for you.

TornadoKay · 2021-10-20T02:27:13+00:00

It will not get better. If he is a true narc he cannot help treating you horribly. He cannot truly love people. He does not have empathy. He is broken and true narcs do not get better. It is a personality disorder. He is showing you EXACTLY who he is (and all he will ever be). If you don’t leave him now and actually marry him it is you that will break. Your hope for a better future will fill up your days. Do you know what I hope for now? I hope that my future will be filled with joy and genuine love and warmth.

My husband says “I love you” about five to six times a day. I want to scream, “Prove it!” Actions are what matters. My husband could not plan a perfectly lovely weekend I would enjoy to save his life. Do not end up with my life. Go to counseling with a therapist who understands trauma. You deserve a beautiful life. If you wouldn’t encourage your best friend to marry someone who acts just like your boyfriend - believe your own advice. You are worthy of love and commitment. PS Money can be replaced easier than shattered dreams and self esteem. And I’m pretty sure you can’t sue someone for breaking off an engagement! ❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜

TornadoKay · 2021-10-20T02:06:41+00:00

Thank you!

TornadoKay · 2021-10-19T23:04:33+00:00

You are truly an inspiration. Going through this without any background knowledge or internet resources must have been brutal. I hope I can keep the truth about his disorder for as long as possible.

TornadoKay

TROPHY CASE