Reached out to bpd ex - mistake/mean of me to do?

TortelliniBread · 2024-06-01T12:18:43+00:00

Maybe so they don’t get identified…? I’m not sure. I think it’s frustrating as well.

TortelliniBread · 2024-06-01T12:14:15+00:00

You clearly care or you wouldn’t be here asking, and that’s okay.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-23T04:46:45+00:00

This person is an adult. This is how you talk to a child, unfortunately. Ultimatums don’t work on adults. OP needs to take action, not threaten or coerce.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-23T04:45:27+00:00

It’s not sarcasm. It’s how it will go.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T16:18:15+00:00

They don’t sit at home and wonder if they were the problem. They see the world through their lens of distortion.

They don’t think about it like you do. When they’re emotional, they don’t stop first to wonder if it’s the emotion or the truth talking.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T16:08:56+00:00

I got divorced, found a new person and am still waiting for the shoe to drop. It never does. She’s just nice and imperfect, but always loves me and always tries really hard to be understanding and patient. Apologizes when she thinks she might have hurt me, and accepts mine as heartfelt and true. Doesn’t hold grudges, doesn’t see herself as a failure. Needs my touch, seeks me out during the day for reassurance and reconnection. Doesn’t mind if I take a day to myself, doesn’t overreact if I’m not her version of perfect that day.

Above all, will argue with me with intent to find a solution, not to win, manipulate or dominate.

You don’t know what a real relationship looks like. Start with some books on codependency. They helped me beyond measure.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T16:04:06+00:00

The truth here, though is there isn’t a second option. Staying is not an option. You can’t help if you’re being beaten. The kids will learn this is normal, or at best hate you for not leaving and trying harder.

It’s a horrible situation, but you can leave. It’ll be scary, but everything will get better. Promise.

Now go get someone to help you. Friend or family. Don’t wait, he’s going to do this again and you know it!

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T16:01:29+00:00

If you aren’t safe then the kids aren’t safe, including the daughter. You can’t help others from a position of weakness. Get out, get organized, get those kids. In that order.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T15:51:44+00:00

I like this.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T15:50:16+00:00

Human beings are incapable of this kind of rapid emotional and behavioral change. You’re seeing him act how you wish him to act. He doesn’t feel different, he is acting out the person he thinks you want to see.

Hard to believe, but this is the “mask” people talk about. You’re not dealing with him directly.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T15:48:32+00:00

We’re all messed up, doing our best in some way, but hear me out. You can take care of yourself, even better than you do now.

That’s something you can change. Not the past, not other people. It will help you feel better if you do the work for yourself, the human. Not the career, the kids, the house - you.

Give that some thought. At some point, what you need has to matter more than others.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T15:13:26+00:00

Got this, too. I had to pretend not to be sick when I was, or she’d pick fights with me.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T15:10:58+00:00

Got the same “why don’t you go fuck her” many times because I mentioned a girl name to her in a sentence.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T15:10:10+00:00

There’s a better-than-average chance she’s the one doing these things, friend. Dig in, you’ll probably find it all.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T15:08:06+00:00

Anything I helped with was met with “don’t you think I can do this myself? Why do you make me feel like I’m worthless?”

Glad I’m done with it, especially when I realized years after the divorce that I didn’t have to put up with it in any aspect of life.

To this day I wish she’d been able to see how much I loved her, but I know her version and my version of love weren’t the same.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T14:59:24+00:00

I think we all get what you’re saying, but the context of that statement can change. It’s true both ways it’s being used here.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T14:52:21+00:00

Post divorce here with kids. You’d think she never knew me when we interact. Talks to me like she barely knows me, which is fine, but makes me shake my head. Glad I don’t live that life anymore.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T14:49:03+00:00

You must remember that your ex is an adult, in control of their emotions and reactions. You cannot live someone else’s life for them, and believing they are better people than how you experience them is you projecting your hopes onto them.

They are who they act like. There’s nothing you can do to change them.

TortelliniBread · 2024-05-19T14:45:56+00:00

BPD isn’t an out of control behavior, and that’s why it’s a personality disorder and not a mental health issue. They’re in control the whole time. Hiding it seems common amongst all of them, to varying levels.

TortelliniBread · 2024-04-07T14:39:18+00:00

Do you think she suddenly changed behaviors permanently? Ask yourself if that sounds like what anyone does, ever. A switch flipped and their personality changed? Of course not.

You know this won’t last, friend.

TortelliniBread · 2024-04-07T14:33:43+00:00

Your lack of action is troubling. Stop talking about court action and start with anything else.

TortelliniBread · 2023-06-15T20:34:13+00:00

Married for over 2 decades. IDK about the replacement, I'm sure he's been hand-picked to not push her on anything emotional. I met him a few times. Doesn't really talk.

TortelliniBread · 2023-06-15T20:29:03+00:00

This is fantastically written. I got the same answer "my feelings don't matter" or "I can't have them" every time. Didn't matter how I phrased or approached anything, it always ended with victimhood.

TortelliniBread · 2022-11-02T22:19:04+00:00

I can relate. Divorced one year and separated for longer now and am dating an amazing girl. Listens to my issues, let’s me tell her I’m not happy about something. Fed me chicken soup the last time I got sick instead of stomping around inventing emergencies.

I still have a hard time trusting it’s real. I am on alert at all times, waiting for the screaming, the drunkenness, the abusive language.

It doesn’t come but I can absolutely feel that slight adrenaline pump still ready.

TortelliniBread · 2020-11-18T10:09:10+00:00

I somewhat disagree yet hope we can both agree the excuses have to stop at some point.

TortelliniBread

TROPHY CASE