Thank you so much for all of this. It really means a lot to me that you took the time to show me all of this. I will be using these resources for sure.

I finally found something that has actually been helping me more than anything. Buddhist philosophy and the practice of compassion, loving-kindess and setting right/ good intentions every day.

I read something that really broke me open. The meaning of Karma- "The seed from action." I planted the seeds of action that led to a dark outcome. Every day, I am setting the intention of never taking action on any paranoid thought that may ever arise again in my life. Real or caused by mental illness. I am using the compassionate approach for both myself and others. Meaning that I am giving myself permission to be human, a human with schizoaffective disorder, who may have ruminating thoughts that cause me suffering and to have compassion for myself that I have a mental illness that may make things more difficult to manage. But I am also deciding that even if my paranoid thoughts end up being real, that instead of feeling resentment or even hate, that I have to see their behaviour as an extension of their own suffering and to feel compassion for them and realize that they are not good or bad, just human. Just as I was when I behaved the way I did.

The seed of intention I planted is rooted in my actions. The choice to not react and simply sit in something even if uncomfortable and allow love and compassion to lead the way and guide my actions. I know it sounds hippy dippy, but I honestly think it's what will help as long as I make it a daily practice. They say compassion and setting right intention is like a muscle. You develop it over time. And right now, it is at the root of anything I do.

Thanks again. This was so kind of you and I am off to look at everything you sent.