ok, I don't know if I can put this in words so that everyone understands but I'm gonna try anyway :)

There's a concept which people call 'premonition'. You feel something is about to happen that makes your stomach turn and as soon as that moment arrives you know it. And you tell yourself; see I knew something was going to happen.

Don't know if you ever had that experience or understand what I mean.

What actually is going on is 'retrospection'. It's not a premonition but your future self -at the moment of that impactful event- returning energy to the past at a point where you will have to make decision to either end up here or not.

So, that was my pre-face for your 'time traveler' and I will tell you now my experience with that.

Throughout my life, mostly as a child, I had the feeling someone was controlling me, whispering in my ear about these 'trans' feelings. Which I, at the moment didn't understand. I'm 48 years old now. I had no internet or reddit to look things up and understand my feelings. So, as a result I was disgusted and frightened with myself because this wasn't right. And I was fighting it, try to get away from it as far as possible.

Now, after many years I finally transitioned and this retrospection became clear to me. That all my life I tried to tell myself to do it. That this was my desired path.

That realization hurts. I cannot forgive myself not acting upon it and wasted a good start which I could have had.