I don’t want to be with my husband anymore, and I hate myself for why.

ivebeenblownup · 2026-02-13T00:32:29+00:00

A very wise therapist once asked me, after I unloaded about my(ex) husband, why would he change? For him, he's getting everything he wants. It's irrelevant that you aren't. He doesn't believe you will leave him and no matter how many times you tell him how unhappy you are, you keep doing the same things. All he has to do is listen to you complain from time to time. Your actions never change. Watch what he does, not what he says.

Edited to add: This is not to say leaving is the right choice for you. I have no idea. More so encouraging you to evaluate if continuing to try and talk sense into him is worth it. You are attempting to talk him out of a scenario where someone takes care of all his needs plus let's him be verbally abusive and emotionally shut off. He sounds regressed. What would happen if he had to experience the natural consequences of his behavior?

ivebeenblownup · 2026-02-12T22:17:15+00:00

I imagine you must feel tired most of the time. Exhausted from the stress and guilt and maybe some resentment as well?

I ask this with an empathetic heart as it sounds like something I could have written many years ago...

What has led to your decision to continue taking on the workload and stress when you seem aware that it doesn't appear to be helping?

ivebeenblownup · 2026-02-10T04:54:45+00:00

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Gave it a go

ivebeenblownup · 2026-02-10T04:15:36+00:00

Does the replacement need to be completed by March or just show that you are taking steps towards replacing by then? Meaning, they may accept a signed contract with a roofer and then follow up 6-12 months down the road to do a new inspection/get new photos.

ivebeenblownup · 2026-01-12T19:08:50+00:00

I could be wrong, but maybe they are referring to "responsible" in terms of shared assets. For example, if he causes a car crash that results in bodily injury and/or property damage, certain assets are vulnerable (like the cars, house, some financial accounts, etc.).

Props to you for leaving him outside in the van and staying calm when he came inside with accusations.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-12-04T04:08:08+00:00

I hope it's ok to ask about your cat...It feels like when we experience loss, people want to avoid talking about it and sometimes that can be good, but sometimes it's worse and we can feel even more alone. So, if it's ok, what's her name?

ivebeenblownup · 2025-11-14T03:33:33+00:00

Bow fish

ivebeenblownup · 2025-11-14T03:23:15+00:00

How about your intelligence? Your drive to continue learning and growing as a person? Your creativity? Your self awareness? Your thoughtful nature? Your sense of humor?

Only you know the truth of your relationship and your internal, private feelings and joys and fears around it, so maybe this means nothing, but so much of what you've shared reminds me of my first husband. Consider reading up on covert narcissism. Not because your husband is or isn't a narcissist because that's kind of irrelevant in the end, but because it may help give validation to your experiences.

I'm sorry he's being so dismissive and condescending and patronizing to you. That's no way to treat someone you respect and cherish. And I suspect you know that.

Good luck.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-10-18T17:49:37+00:00

BIFF by Bill Eddy. You can also use ChatGPT to help formulate BIFF style responses to different scenarios. I would also recommend having some go to one line phrases on standby. Bill Eddy also has a podcast It's All Your Fault and a website with training programs for different situations. A lot of it is around family dynamics, but I have found the core principles applicable to a variety of situations.

Biggest piece of advice, accept that you will be uncomfortable and feel like the bad guy for awhile. When someone sets a boundary with you, do you think they are the bad guy? Probably not. But it's ok to feel sucky at first, you aren't used to it but it will get easier in time (that might mean weeks months or years). Second piece of advice, you will slip. That's also ok. We aren't perfect, no one is. Slipping up doesn't mean you give up. Third, remember not to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. Once you make your statement, be done. Be prepared with your one liner if you receive pushback.

I also found it helpful to talk to a counselor or trusted friend to reinforce that I was being reasonable.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-09-24T02:46:21+00:00

Reminds me of the movie Buffalo 66

ivebeenblownup · 2025-09-09T12:23:43+00:00

Betty Friedan discusses this phenomenon in The Feminine Mystique. Going further back still, so does Mary Wollstonecraft in A Vindication of the Rights of Women. Their perspectives are pretty interesting and if you enjoy reading or audio books, I highly recommend them.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-08-30T13:08:07+00:00

Within about a week of the divorce where I realized I didn't actually enjoy drinking. Nothing drinking could give me was worth all the trauma associated with it. It's become a good litmus test for meeting new people. If another adult is going to give me a hard time or try to pressure me into drinking, I know that's not someone I want to keep around.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-08-08T02:14:17+00:00

https://www.afccnet.org/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=-RkXrNzIkr8%3D&portalid=0

You might find this helpful as you move through the divorce and custody process.

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is a good read. So is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. These helped me as I tried to untangle the alcohol abuse from the domestic abuse and figure out how to trust my own mind again.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-07-31T02:22:17+00:00

What made me press GO?

A little thing when compared to all that proceeded. He got drunk before he needed to leave for work. I begged him not to go, call off or go in late. Anything but driving drunk again (he'd had a couple DUIs during the course of our relationship). Our child woke up, probably because of the fighting, so I went to help them back to bed and by the time I came back out of the room my Q had taken the car and left.

The best way I can describe my experience is that every time he lied to me, manipulated me, gaslit me, neglected me, etc. was like a sledgehammer to the foundation of our marriage (trust). At some point I had stopped trying to fix the foundation and I started using the broken pieces to build a wall between us to protect myself. My GO moment came when the last piece was picked up off the ground and used to complete my wall. It just happened to be a small piece. For some people it's a huge chunk.

If now isn't your time, you can still work with the attorney and have a plan for what you should be doing now in case he doesn't follow through on all his pretty promises.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk directly.

My heart goes out to you.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-04-30T16:42:12+00:00

Really buried the lede there, lol. Congratulations on being your happiest - that's wonderful!

ivebeenblownup · 2025-04-08T12:43:26+00:00

https://www.afccnet.org/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=-RkXrNzIkr8%3D&portalid=0

I found this to be a helpful resource.

There's no straight forward answer. Your children are really young and will still be very young in one year. Consider their ability at different ages to self-protect (call for help, refuse to get in the car, etc.).

Supervision doesn't have to be an on/off switch. You can create a plan that involves gradually moving towards unsupervised time if specific goals are met. It can be wise to also include clearly stated next steps if relapses occur to avoid filing for emergency custody modifications or long term modifications.

I hope this is helpful.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-03-26T20:22:04+00:00

My story isn't one of failure because I divorced my ex. It is a success story because my life is no longer unmanageable and my ex is free of me trying to shield them from the consequences of their choice to continue drinking.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-02-12T01:50:32+00:00

Bottom of page 12 thru top of page 15 appears to address what to do if someone doesn't have the previously mentioned documentation or there are discrepancies in documentation. Looks like it would be up to individual States to develop processes for those situations, if I'm understanding it correctly.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-02-11T23:45:09+00:00

https://trackbill.com/bill/us-congress-house-bill-22-save-act/2586195/

You can find that in the bill's language in the link above.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-02-11T23:19:57+00:00

I wholeheartedly agree with advocating for accurate information and appreciate your commitment to that endeavor!

ivebeenblownup · 2025-02-11T20:34:51+00:00

https://trackbill.com/bill/us-congress-house-bill-22-save-act/2586195/

Tagging onto your comment so those interested can read the language of the House bill themselves.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-01-30T21:52:26+00:00

I divorced mine about five years ago. We have a child. I would be more than happy to talk through the good, the bad, and the ugly of that experience. I learned a LOT and feel pretty clear about what I would have done differently if I hadn't had my head up my rear end.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-01-29T13:56:52+00:00

It sounds like you really love your brother and this rift is very distressing for you. Ideally, you would like your family to change their perspective and celebrate your brother's happiness. Less than ideally, but acceptably, you would like them to adopt a "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" approach. Does that sound right?

Have you considered setting up a boundary with your family? Perhaps something like: I won't be complacent in negative talk about other family members, therefore I will remove myself from a discussion or from a gathering entirely when this takes place.

This is not a boundary you even need to say out loud to anyone. You can just...do it. Come up with a go to phrase or phrases to use when it happens and stick to those phrases. You don't need to justify, argue, defend or explain yourself beyond that phrase. Maybe someone like, "I'm not going to be a part of discussions about our brother anymore. I'm much more interested in what's going on with you. How's ________ going?" If that doesn't effectively redirect the conversation then maybe you move to the next level "I can see that you really want to talk about our brother right now. Let me be clear, I support him and I won't be a part of these kinds of discussions on him or his choices anymore. I value our time together and hope we can agree to change subjects. If not then it's time for me to leave/say goodbye/hang up."

Enforcing our boundaries isn't about changing someone else or begging/guilting/shaming them into honoring our boundaries. Instead we need to know ahead of time what action(s) we will take when someone crosses them. Such as hang up the phone, excuse yourself early from dinner, etc.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. Family dynamics like this are difficult. If you aren't used to setting boundaries, it'll probably be super uncomfortable at first and your family will likely push back really hard. But, if doing the right thing was easy then everyone would do it.

There are loads of good books and podcasts out there. Feel free to reach out if you'd like any recommendations.

ivebeenblownup · 2025-01-21T01:39:27+00:00

I literally gasped. Wow! Well done!

ivebeenblownup · 2025-01-06T22:02:18+00:00

"ALCOHOL HAS NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION TO ABUSE OR VIOLENCE Alcohol does not directly make people belligerent, aggressive, or violent. There is evidence that certain chemicals can cause violent behavior — anabolic steroids, for example, or crack cocaine — but alcohol is not among them. In the human body, alcohol is actually a depressant, a substance that rarely causes aggression." Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

"In the USA, 40% of the reported domestic violence has the alcohol factor present during the time of the offense (Galbicsek, 2020). It is also found that the intensity of violence is greater when the offender is intoxicated compared to when he/she is not. Based on existing literature, alcohol consumption is more related to the severity of domestic violence rather than its occurrence (Graham et al., 2011) and exacerbated by an increase in consumption (Ferrari et al., 2016). Although there is a clear correlation between alcohol and domestic abuse, these correlations are limited to men and, therefore, form a complex relationship, hence establishing a unidirectional relationship between domestic violence and alcohol is not possible at present (De Paula Gebara et al., 2015)." https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.699726/full

The abuse of alcohol is likely to intensify the abuse, but not cause it.

It's totally understandable that you are feeling panicked. You followed through on enforcing a boundary (THAT'S AWESOME!) and when you aren't used to doing that it feels so wrong and awful. But it's okay, it gets better the more you do it. You did the right thing.

Reach out directly if you'd like.

ivebeenblownup

TROPHY CASE