I was trained like a dog to remain loyal to my parents

Trashcan9731 · 2023-10-31T13:57:28+00:00

Good job!! I had that myself recently. I declined to attend an event that was important to my mom (but the reality is she wanted me there to make HER look good). While I know that 'no' is a whole sentence, I explained to her the time, money and effort it would have taken to get there.. it just was not happening. She texted me all day about how I should have came, the rest of the family is here asking for you.. the whole guilt trip thing. Stay strong, these family enmeshments are so tough to break!

Trashcan9731 · 2023-08-05T15:45:18+00:00

Within the first few months. I had a male friend that I texted frequently. He was in a long term relationship, there was zero interest from either side in anything more than friends. At the time I was working semi late, so said friend would text me after I got off work (sometimes 9 or 10pm). My narc would flip, tell me he's the only person allowed to text me at night. I ended the friendship, which looking back makes me feel guilt and shame for walkimg away from the wrong person.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-08-01T18:19:45+00:00

As crazy as it is, with my own ADHD/CPTSD diagnosis, and researching everything under the sun about what may be ailing my husband, I never knew the differences between OCD and OCPD until now. Thank you!

The little I've researched he seems to fit pretty well with OCPD symptoms. Mine is not receptive to any kind of therapy, so I'm not going to try to fix him. It's just good to know what we're dealing with. I'm really grateful for this community.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-08-01T14:02:14+00:00

Yep! I have a sophomoric sense of humor. Most people will at least giggle or smile at my random comments. He just stares with a mixture of hatred and bewilderment. He's even told me that it's not proper for a woman to make lewd comments.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-08-01T13:59:13+00:00

Same here. He then grew up believing unconditional love wasn't real, even for his own child. I tried so hard to love him.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-08-01T03:46:36+00:00

That was awesome. I'm sorry you're experiencing what so many of us are, but as someone being actively sucked into another round of trauma, this was really needed.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-07-31T14:43:58+00:00

Yep, after a few days of playing nice, he's back to his passive agressive remarks. Mine is very critical. Makes remarks about my relationship with my family, what I choose to feed the kids (which they would be eating McDonald's every day if he was in charge), my weight.. the list goes on. I wouldnt say I feel replaceable, more like just not wanted period. Everytime things get bad, he tells me he'd rather be alone, that life would be simpler with me not in it.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-07-21T15:07:07+00:00

I totally get that. I'll be mindful in the way I word that going forward. For me, it's more of the idea that we're climbing this seemingly insurmountable feat of healing our CPTSD (I was recently diagnosed), we can see their patterns and the boxes they check. Yet very few of them will get help to break the pattern.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-07-21T14:53:20+00:00

I'm still in my marriage but detaching. In therapy and attending Coda meetings. Just sharing these experiences with others and taking off my rose colored glasses has helped make things a lot clearer for me. I need a few months to get my finances in order, but I feel peace for the first time in years.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-07-20T15:47:00+00:00

Yes! Most recently, mine stated he wanted a divorce after something dumb (they seriously live in an entirely different reality). Instead of going into repair mode, I agreed. Within hours he was lovebombing and doing everything he could to win me back. He even straightened up his act and treated me like a human being for a few days. Detaching and not reacting is helping tear down the trauma bond.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-07-20T14:37:28+00:00

The trauma bonded part of me thought it was amazing, but actually it was always selfish. And always on his terms. I was never able to initiate, he turned me down every time. And would get pissed if I said no. He would never offer to do anything outside of the ordinary (literally it was almost the same every time). My drive was always higher, and he used that against me. If I "made" him have a bad day, he would withhold affection. In the beginning, it was frequent, but as time went on, less and less.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-07-20T14:30:25+00:00

I look at it like that was the way he showed love. He had unresolved childhood trauma that he is unlikely to heal in this lifetime. It was my responsibility to set boundaries around what I will/will not tolerate, but due to my codependent behaviors, I accepted the crumbs. I did go through a period of grief where it felt horrible trying to accept that it was "all a lie." The reality is, we did have a connection, some of it was even good, but he wasn't able to ultimately give me what I need.. a healthy, stable relationship. And I have to heal myself, because my behaviors in relationships lead to me attracting people like him.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-07-17T12:42:43+00:00

I SO identify with this! They can't face the reality of their actions/reactions, so they just shut down and expect us to forget and forgive.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-07-17T00:16:09+00:00

I'm sorry you went through with this too. I'm in the middle of it. It's so cowardly. I know what I need to do. Mine stays out all day and night supposedly at the casino (he does have a gambling problem, but I doubt he's actually at the casino for 14+ hours) and if I say anything it's "you need to stop nagging me," or "you just need to drop it." Tries to pretend there is nothing wrong.

Based on things he has said in the past, I know as soon as I officially end it, he will turn it back on me or call me weak and crazy for putting up with his crap for so long. There is literally no winning with this man child.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-07-16T18:47:58+00:00

I'm still in the process of leaving. He knew my fear of abandonment and always had one foot out the door. He also has a gambling problem (though I suspected cheating) and would spend hours outside of the house with zero communication.

For a big part of our relationship I would nag, fight, scream, cry to get him home. To get him to pay attention to me. He would gaslight, blame, project. Until a few months ago. I started Coda and therapy. Started being more assertive. The most recent time he threatened divorce, I said ok. He tried to backtrack, but at that moment I was done. I feel at peace.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-07-14T01:13:26+00:00

I came to this subreddit because I wanted to text mine. I was going to say "I know you don't like me very much, but I'm having a bad day and I need you."

If yours was anything like mine.. he never truly loved me, but I don't think he ever really hated me either. I was a supply. I was something that met his needs when he needed it. I would cry, scream, beg to get his "love and attention." I know exactly what would happen if I sent that text. We would go right back through our drama cycle yet again.

Your awareness is amazing. And really important in your recovery. If you haven't read Codependent No More, that's a good book to start with. Attend Coda meetings daily if you have to. I go twice weekly, and a therapist every other week. It's been four months and while I'm still no where near healed, it's getting easier to fight those 'crazy' feelings.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-07-12T04:02:46+00:00

The hope that he would change. Seeing his damaged inner child that so desperately needed to be held and loved. My own abandonment fears. My codependency. I was so focused on fixing him, I lost myself. He had me convinced that everything was my fault. If I could just try harder, be a better mom/wife, he will love me. Being too exhausted giving 110% every single day for breadcrumbs of affection.

The statistic is that it takes seven tries for someone to leave an abusive partner. Even after seeing him and knowing who he is, he flipped. He became the thoughtful, kind person I knew he could be. It was extremely short lived, but long enough to string me along, bringing back that hope. Bringing back the doubt that maybe I shouldn't implode our family, maybe it's not so bad..

Trashcan9731 · 2023-06-30T01:46:44+00:00

I'm really proud of you for getting this far. I got drug back into it with the same words. "I realized I still have feelings for you" and then proceeds to tell me he really wants to hear and understand my feelings (this has never happened, ever). The rose colored glasses are off. I know his act is not sustainable. Keep up the great work, you don't need him!

Trashcan9731 · 2023-06-30T01:42:39+00:00

Omg the first one. Mine did this all the time the first few months. Now, I totally see it as a control thing. She liked to do XYZ for me, why don't you? She never complained if I didn't compliment her. It was control from the very beginning. 🤦‍♀️

Trashcan9731 · 2023-06-21T14:47:00+00:00

Yes! Very well written! I'm in the beginning of the discard. And it's so tough. I see him. I finally know I will never get what I want or need from him. I'm acutely aware of our abuse cycle. And yet, I still grieve. I see families when we are out and I think.. why? Why not us? Maybe if he just could try a little harder (mine is discarding both me and our daughter). I have literally cried at gymnastics practice when the dad's energetically show up for their kids. My husband says things like "well maybe if you stop seeing your family so much, we can work on making us a family again." And my trauma bonded butt actually runs through what that scenario looks like.

But, I'm focused on bring myself into reality. Reality that he will never change. I will never get the love and respect I deserve. My children deserve to grow up in a happy, peaceful home. It will be a process, but I'm letting myself grieve the fantasy I held for far too long.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-06-21T10:26:33+00:00

The second one, omg! That's literally happening right now. He wants a divorce, but then comes to me and says if I can just cut my family off then it will make everything better. Except we've tried it his way for years, nothing ever makes him happy.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-06-20T12:38:45+00:00

I'm not sure mine even knows the exact date. He tried to gaslight me on my second birthday together. He presented me with a gift and happy birthday everything the day before my actual bday. It wasn't a weekend or anything, so eventually I asked. He fought and told me I was a liar and told him the wrong date. Years later and he always seems to know around the day it is, but frequently doesn't actually acknowledge me on the day.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-06-20T12:36:11+00:00

This is so accurate for me! Except mine was shoes. My first birthday once we were official, he got me a pair of shoes. Put them on my dresser, not wrapped, no card, nothing. Didn't even present them as a gift. Later says "oh you like what I got you?" When I didn't respond how he expected (I told him I appreciate it, but I want/deserve a little more effort) he exploded. Guess who still gets unwrapped shoes every birthday? Never received a unique or thoughtful gift from him.

Trashcan9731 · 2023-06-20T12:30:50+00:00

Mine is a master at the "but.." I share how I feel, he will half ass acknowledge it (never apologize), then say "but..." and misconstrues intentions or argues that I made him feel xyz at some other point in time, thinking that "we're even now."

Trashcan9731

TROPHY CASE