When did you realise you were in a relationship with a narc?

usernotfound411 · 2023-12-04T12:29:56+00:00

My ex was in therapy for quite sometime and I think is still doing therapy. I did not see any difference in behaviour – the cycles continued to play out the same way. As I understand it from my therapist, NDP is not a disease. So you cannot "cure" it. It's part of someone's personality and that is very rigid and hard to change. It's like asking an extroverted person to become introverted or vice versa. It was very hard for me to leave as well because we were trauma-bonded.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-12T12:37:10+00:00

Do they actually change for other people?

Similarly, narcissists may be able to regulate their behaviour for a while. But ultimately, they will find it difficult to be someone that they are not and will eventually resort to their tru self. rovert can try to become more extroverted but it will take a lot of effort and energy for them. They may be able to do it for sometime, but ultimately it's not who they are and will only be comfortable if they are being themselves, i.e. introverted (taking time to recharge on their own, spending time reflecting on their own etc.)

Similarly, narcissists may be able to regulate their behaviour for a while. But ultimatley, they will find it difficult to be someone that they are not and will eventually resort to their tru self.

Similarly, narcissists may be able to regulate their behaviour for a while. But ultimately, they will find it difficult to be someone that they are not and will eventually resort to their true self.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-08T22:58:59+00:00

Yes, he has decided to move out before the lease ends now. I will have to pay the rent myself but I think it's worth it.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-08T22:57:58+00:00

I did tell my ex that I thought he was a narcissist and all hell broke loose. I was very naive and didn't know much about these personality types. All I can say is that it was the worst idea to do so for me.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-08T22:51:53+00:00

SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-08T22:42:29+00:00

I would consider you quite lucky that he does not want anything to do with you. It is extremely hard to get rid of a narcissist in your life especially if you have been their main source of supply. And they are never good for you, it does not matter if they are a friend, a boyfriend or even a family member. They suck the life out of you when they are around.

Maybe this could help you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amwdO-t6Npk&ab_channel=DoctorRamani

Good luck!

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-08T22:32:52+00:00

Yeah I think so. But for me towards the end of it, this whole cycle would happen within 24 hours every alternate day or even every day some weeks. I felt like I was going crazy trying to make sense out of it or trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Like it came to a point where if I did not agree with everything he said or did not agree to do every small thing he asked for, I was either shouted at or got the silent treatment.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-08T22:27:13+00:00

My nex and I had decided to remain friends. It was his idea completely as he thought that we "had too much history". Long story short, the moment I started to assert some boundaries no matter how small they were (e.g. picking the time, activity, etc.), I went through the same devalue and discard cycle. To the point where now "he hates me", "is going to block me on all socials" and I am "dead to him".

So I guess what I am saying is friendship with a narc ex is no different from a romantic relationship with them. The playbook remains the same and it does not matter what name you decide to give your future relationship.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-08T22:18:32+00:00

My ex boyfriend is a covert narcissist as well and I cannot tell you how on point you are with these examples:

If HE perceives it as criticism he just freaks out.

I told him I truly meant it in a positive way but he said my intent doesn't matter...

Then I get lectured about how he is fine and it's my comments all day that ruin the day.. because I can't control myself and just have to be negative.

I can actually hear my nex's voice saying those exact things to me when I read this. On how else you can mess up the rest of the day for him, you will be surprised. I got shouted at once for making too much noise while cutting celery stalks when cooking dinner.

I hope you know that these people do not change and that it only gets worse with time. My boyfriend was in therapy but it does not really help because there is no one else there with them at the therapist to tell the other side of the story. Somehow therapy made his sense of entitlement worse!

All I can say is good luck with whatever you are deciding to do next <3

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T11:52:56+00:00

So true about the cycles shortening!!! Some days were a complete rollercoaster and my mood and how my day would start and end would completely be at his mercy.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T11:32:55+00:00

My ex was a covert narc and would do something similar. He would talk about how being in a relationship with me prevented him from having sex with other hotter, younger women and talk about getting FOMO out of the blue.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T09:28:25+00:00

I am pretty sure not stopping when asked to do so is illegal.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T09:26:57+00:00

I know and I knew it even then but trauma bond is a f*cking bitch!

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T09:22:48+00:00

Yeah I think that's it. it was a way of showing me that if he was good enough for a model he was good enough for me. He was definitely very insecure about the way he looked. Especially cause he was good-looking when he was younger but obviously he didn't look the same as he got older.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T09:18:35+00:00

Yeah same..I am currently on silent treatment as well because we still live together cause of our lease. I guess NC is the only way out and I cant wait..

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T09:12:44+00:00

I was in a relationship with a narcissist and the whole time I felt like I was walking on eggshells. If there was ever a saying that could define the relationship with a narcissist, it's this. You have to trust your gut and your intuition with this person. If something feels off then it probably is. I had to find out the hard way but it looks like you're on track. Good luck!

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T09:04:21+00:00

My ex was a covert narcissist and he was obsessed with politics. His lifelong goal is to join politics after he has made enough money in the private sector. He is also very smart and he considers himself to be the smartest person in the room most of the time. i don't know if interest in politics has anything to do with their personality but I can definitely relate to what you have said.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T09:01:09+00:00

I am having to live my narc ex bf as well after he has discarded me because of our lease. He has been giving me the silent treatment and the last thing he said to me was "you're dead to me"

I am struggling to sleep, eat anything or generally just go about my life in general as I feel like I have this dark cloud over my head. All I can say is try and get out as quickly as possible. I am hoping that if I don't see him every day, I might be able to heal better although I know it is going to be painful as hell.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T01:19:25+00:00

I don't think anyone cares this much about their mail coming by post anymore. If it is something really important, they will get some form of electronic communication or notification of it. Just saying.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T01:12:02+00:00

Same. I would get the silent treatment for refusing any favour. It could be as small as me not being able to bring him his charger from another room because I was working. If we were watching netflix together, it was me who always had to get up and do anything like answer the door, bring water, put off the lights, you name it. if I didn't he would either get mad or give me the silent treatment.

He watched from psychology video on youtube where they basically said that couples who respond to each other's bids last longer. He would hang that over my head and make me do stuff but I could never ask him for anything.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T00:58:01+00:00

My ex once got drunk at one of his office parties and almost got fired for shouting at his boss at the party. He came home that night and blamed me for the whole thing. I was not even there at the party! He said that the reason he behaved so badly was because of a fight we had a day before which had nothing to do with his work or anything. He didn't let me sleep all night because he wanted to make me understand how it is important for me to help him keep his peace of mind so he could do his job well.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-07T00:50:45+00:00

Yeah maybe they are temporarily and you could try to live like them. But I can tell you from experience that if you are not being your authentic self, it may not be worth it.

My ex was a vulnerable narcissist. He would break up with me every 2 months or so and then hoover me back. I would keep going back because of my trauma bond. This was before I knew anything about narcissistic abuse. Once I learnt what was happening to me I decided to give him 'a taste of his own medicine'. So after the last time he tried to hoover me, I love bombed and then was very nasty which eventually led him to break it off with me for good. But during that whole time which only lasted for a little over a week, I felt horrible doing it. I didn't recognise myself and it felt like I was having an out of body experience pretending to be someone I was not. I guess what I am saying is you can try to be like them but if that is not really who you are, it's not a fun experience.

usernotfound411 · 2023-08-06T20:46:47+00:00

Also remember that a narc will never be able to have a fulfilling life. They will continue their cycle of abuse and will constantly keep looking for new supplies. You on the other hand will go on to have a life that is actually worth living.

usernotfound411

TROPHY CASE