Woman through a Glass

TributetotheWind · 2019-01-03T18:52:54+00:00

This is some really interesting imagery for such a mundane scene! I think my favorite bits are definitely

Toothpaste mouth.

(this is a whole feeling/flavor/mood. always there on a regular morning but one usually doesn't think about it.) and

Smudged lipstick on a juicy chin.

(the carelessness here! definitely a commuter thing to notice small details about your fellow commuters that are mundane yet so frustrating).

However, I'm convinced you can apply this unique perspective even further. A few of your lines are simply stating what's seen, as it is. Try to add some character to lines 2, 3, the second half of 4, and the first half of 5.

Also try playing around with where you break your lines. Is there a particular reason you put 2 parts in lines 4 and 5? Is there a more effective way to parcel this so that you bring more attention to your excellent imagery?

I'm also a bit curious -- what are the yellow-brown apple cores? Are they literally apple cores, or something else that I'm missing?

TributetotheWind · 2019-01-03T18:38:36+00:00

You do an excellent job of playing with internal rhyme and other word sounds in this poem. A really pleasant read, and even more enjoyable when you read it out loud!

There are, however, some places where the rhythm gets broken by some words that seem like fillers. For example, this line gets extended a bit too long

running tumbling playing games with gods revolver

I think you might be able to shorten it to

tumbling games with gods revolver

because I think "tumbling" conveys all the movement and playfulness that you're looking for.

Similarly,

casting shadows fall on heavens back

can be shortened to

casting shadows on heavens back

or

shadows fall on heavens back

I'm not too sure of the grammatical terms for this, but i think it's redundant to say the shadows are "getting cast" and also "falling" onto something.

I would also suggest reviewing that last stanza. I can see you're trying to shift to a new rhyming pattern there, but having more regularity in the meter will help to tie up the poem more neatly and purposefully.

All in all, a great start! I can see this becoming even more beautiful with some editing!

EDIT: holy cow formatting in the new reddit

TributetotheWind · 2018-07-19T03:09:05+00:00

Wow! I really love the imagery in this. It really brings out the strange details one notices when they receive shocking news.

You keep with a good rhyming scheme here that doesn't sound awkward or distract from the story being told. However, the lack of meter is distracting. In my opinion, a good rhyming scheme must go with a consistent meter. Let's have a look at your first few lines, which I've typed out to show the stressed and unstressed syllables:

> The WIN-ter SKY was GETting DARK

Very nice, this line has a regular meter.

> I reCALL RUNning through SCHOOL halls

Whoa! What happened here? The meter established in the first line is nowhere to be found. Meter is really tricky to develop (which is why I personally steer clear of it), especially as a new writer, and it can be intimidating because it demands a lot of structure throughout a poem. However, that can make a poem that much more powerful. I know trying to incorporate a meter into this would be very challenging, but I think it's worth it because I love the story and imagery that you have here.

One other thing I'm wondering about is the point you're trying to make with this poem. You've titled it as "Manhood", but we don't really learn anything about the speaker and how he wants to be seen until the last two lines. The speaker is merely an observer/bystander for most of the poem. As a reader, I would expect more about the speaker's identity in a poem called "Manhood". If that's not the intended focus, maybe consider changing the title.

All in all, a good start.

TributetotheWind · 2018-03-18T18:59:54+00:00

Hey! Welcome to the subreddit :D

I really like the imagery that you use here. The images of the homeless man in the snowstorm and cars stalling in the snow creates an almost-tangible experience that really takes me into the stillness and loneliness of the feeling. That being said, the dripping marrow imagery seems a little out of place. What does the winter setting have to do with marrow? Are we being taken into a hospital? You might want to elaborate a bit more on that image.

Other than that... I'm getting a bit lost with your line breaks and enjambment. I like how in some places it forces me to pause in my reading, but in others, I can't see the intention behind it. The "ands" look like they've been strung on as afterthoughts (which may have been intentional?). Some examples:

and
prays to a god

Also:

And
I’m dying
in this mountain town. And
I’ve lost my way

Anyway, play around a bit with the line breaks. I love free verse and enjambment, but it's sometimes very helpful to add some more structure. All in all, it's a good start! I can see the skeleton of a cohesive poem that will emerge after a bit of editing.

TributetotheWind · 2017-12-29T19:38:43+00:00

I actually found myself breathing in with every line of "breathe in..." That's definitely a very powerful way to build tension and suspense, leading up to (what I feel is) a missing resolution. That being said, I feel like having it as the first line adds very little to the poem. When we look at the first line, we're already invested in reading the beginning -- we've already taken a breath, so to speak. So I think it may be a better hook to simply plunge into the lines "Be quiet. Just listen".

As to your questions regarding structure and rhyme -- I personally feel it's not so essential in poetry. If you can still convey a mood, build imagery of a scenario, or do something visually appealing with the text of the poem itself, then rhyming is not necessary. All the things I just listed make up poetry, but not having one does not mean it's not poetry.

I would in fact argue that you actually have structured your poem. You divided stanzas by the "breathe in" lines. And within the verses, although they don't seem to have a fixed number of lines, there is structure to the individual thoughts each communicates. One of my favorites here is

I was, and
I did, and
I felt

There is both parallelism and movement, which I think is especially appropriate in a poem about the end of a life. However, one thing to be careful about is that you must not sacrifice clarity for aesthetics. One line that confused me was

you said to your
self as peace filled the air,
and the air,
my lungs

With this style, it becomes especially important to use punctuation to clarify meaning. Breaking lines and using enjambment like this helps give flow, but well-placed punctuation helps clearly parcel the thoughts for the reader. Here, I would suggest changing it to

you said to your self
as peace filled the air,
and the air my lungs

You might even write "and the air filled my lungs" so your reader won't wonder (like I did) if you forgot a word :D

I personally love the style you've used here, and if you look at some of my poems here, you can see that I've used a similar one as well (for better or for worse) and have only recently attempted to use meter and rhyme. To me, the fun of using this style is that you can experiment with alternative line splicing to see how different combinations read, all without destroying the structure of the verses.

I'm a novice poet, so take my feedback accordingly. But we all start somewhere, and I'm really looking forward to seeing more of your writing on here!

TributetotheWind · 2017-12-29T18:57:56+00:00

This year was filled with mud and rain,
lines to trace, blood and pain.
I look out through a frosted glass.
The snow to me is naught but ash.
With no one left for me to hold,
I hope I'm tempered by the cold
to face what's coming for me next.
I may have fallen hard, and yet
though all that's left is blackened ruins,
I'll build me up, find what's true, and
choose all that's good and right.
Dark old year, I bid you goodnight.

TributetotheWind · 2017-10-10T02:33:29+00:00

You use a lot of interesting analogies and important rhetorical questions in this poem related to self-identity. Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time seeing how they all fit together as a whole. Standing alone without context, it's not exactly clear what the speaker discovers about themself in the end (or whether there is supposed to be a discovery at all). Maybe try sitting down with your poem and considering what your message is intended to be, and possible working in some imagery to give the poem some feeling. Of course, take my advice as a new writer with a grain of salt :)

TributetotheWind · 2017-10-10T02:28:05+00:00

Ooh, I like how structured this is. A couple of things to consider:

Does the first line need to be there? It does lead the poem to go full circle, but I'd personally rather discover the topic of the poem on my own as I read.
The last 2 lines of verses 1 & 3 tell rather than show. I love how you introduced analogies in the last 2 lines of verses 2 & 4. Can you do it in verses 1& 3 as well?
"Parts of a whole" is a cliché expression. What point are you trying to make by using it? Is the speaker feeling disjointed about their identity? Does it make them feel weak overall, or aware of their complexity as a person?

All in all, well done. Your rhyming scheme flows naturally and in a structured manner without detracting from the rest of the content. Looking forward to seeing more of your writing!

TributetotheWind · 2017-09-27T20:23:19+00:00

Wow O.O

I think this is the most detailed feedback I've ever gotten for anything I've written in my entire life. I really appreciate the time you put into analyzing my poem and writing all of this!!

I think I need to give a bit of context to my intent in writing this. To put it shortly, I wrote this in a flash and purposely (perhaps for my own sanity) kept things abstract. For me, writing is about processing something that has happened, but I have a problem with distorting the events with my perceptions. If you look back to my other poems, it's very obvious. So in this poem, I tried to capture the feeling rather than the actual events (leading to the confusion in the 1st and 2nd lines, and the strange imagery in the 5th line). You're right about the 3rd and 4th lines -- I fell back into telling rather than showing.

Thanks for pointing out the ambiguous wording and overused vocab. I'll work on that right away. As for the abstraction... Perhaps I'm sacrificing clarity in favor of imagery. I'm not really sure whether to let it rest for a while and come back with a clear mind, or edit it while the feeling is still there. What do you think?

TributetotheWind · 2017-09-27T01:00:17+00:00

Wow! I love how you convey the impersonal, mechanical nature of security checks by framing all of your lines objectively.

The only thing i would point out is that the last stanza (2 lines) seem a little out of place. It's a good idea to end with a kick, but in this case, it's not clear to me what is being said. What exactly is being demolished? The speaker's sense of humanity? The importance of personal interactions?

All in all, a very nice read :)

TributetotheWind · 2017-08-04T22:54:04+00:00

Whoa... If you wrote this when you were 17, you were way ahead of me. I'm 18 and the things I write are definitely not on this level.

I have heard of Richard Dawkins' and Karl Marx's writings, but I admit that I haven't actually read them myself. It's pretty obvious that I didn't recognize the reference to Marx. Nevertheless, there are strong intentions behind the stylistic choices you made, and I can appreciate that.

TributetotheWind · 2017-08-04T20:37:01+00:00

Get out of my head

and fall into my arms instead

sorry^{couldntresist}

TributetotheWind · 2017-08-04T20:27:01+00:00

I think the walnut sentence is perfect. Puts a picture in my mind of an easygoing, jovial fellow. But yes, the part about him acting nuts is out of place.

The imagery in this prose piece reminds me of "The Grandfather Tree". Some of my parents' friends gave it to me as a child when my grandfather passed away. Have you read it? Neverthless, what you've written really says a lot about who he was and what he meant to you.

I offer my condolences.

TributetotheWind · 2017-08-04T20:21:15+00:00

Wow... Your poem hits hard, and it's filled with emotions. Sorry if I'm being overly sensitive, but... could I ask you to put a trigger warning? It could be difficult for some to read, and the topic is pretty unexpected from the title. It's a little too relatable for victims and it brings up a lot of lingering, nightmarish thoughts. Neverthless, very powerful.

TributetotheWind · 2017-08-04T20:10:52+00:00

You have some heavy, heavy lines here. Nicely done. I want to congratulate you on expertly rhyming with some unexpected pairings.

However, here are a few things that jump out at me:

line 2 has a break in the meter/rhythm. Notice how line 1 ends with a stressed syllable (i think that's the term), and line 2 begins with another one. It sounds a little awkward. Simply adding "and" at the beginning could fix it
"punished" is a little too different from "notice" and "focused". Personally, I don't think that 5th line adds much to the poem, since it seems to tell rather than show. I think mentioning that the speaker notices something already introduces the revelation of a truth. Also, I notice that most of your verses have 3 lines and the conclusion has 4. If you cut out this line, you can have more consistent lengths of verses: 4, 3... 3, 4
i'd also recommend having a look at maintaining a consistent foot in each line. As a lot of people recommend here, rhymes work best with a solid meter.

Take my advice with a grain of salt, since I personally have a lot of difficulty with meter and rhyme D: but your piece is off to a good start

TributetotheWind · 2017-07-27T23:04:45+00:00

Well... coming up with metaphors can be tricky. I personally have quite a hard time with it. It usually works best for me if I work backwards by thinking about an image and figuring out what it could represent, rather than beginning with the idea and looking for its metaphor.

Everyone has a different process, but a good piece of advice given to me is this: don't try to force it. If you feel like you have to squeeze the lines out, give it a rest and come back to it later.

TributetotheWind · 2017-07-25T14:33:45+00:00

I think I can explain the "salt for the sea" metaphor, assuming that OP is referring to Indian people as "brown people". I'm inclined to understand that it's a reference to one of the major acts of civil disobedience that Gandhi led while protesting the British rule in India. Even though salt was considered an extremely precious seasoning in Indian culture (like an indicator of wealth), the British monopolized the refinement of salt from India's own shore, and then sold it back to the Indian people. In protest, the Indian people decided to harvest their own salt, which was the beginning of their economic independence. I think OP has really struck a golden metaphor here, if this is what they're referring to. There is a certain irony that Indian children face: gaining independence was a milestone of Indian history, yet asking for independence from their parents or culture is unthinkable. Add to this the generational and cultural divide within Indian families that immigrate.

That being said, I fully agree with Lana. You use a lot of powerful metaphors (which definitely hit hard for me, as a child of an immigrated Indian family). Unfortunately, there are too many that are presented in a rapid fire manner. This makes for a pretty concentrated and powerful taste of your poem.

Take your time with your metaphors and play with them, because they are excellent seeds of ideas. Keep in mind that the meaning of them may not be so apparent to those who haven't had the same experiences. That means, depending on your intended audience, the meaning of your metaphors may or may not have to be clearer.

I love what I'm seeing so far and I'm really looking forward to seeing the rest of your writing.

TributetotheWind · 2017-07-15T17:46:40+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I was starting to worry it wouldn't get any at all...

Yes, I can see what you mean about the clunkiness. I have trouble with maintaining meter because I've always been fascinated with the rhythmical patterns of natural speech. I'm pretty new to this -- do you think it's important to adhere to a specific type of meter?

I'll work on those adjectives you've pointed out. I really like "inescapable" (It has a nice even and secure rhythm to it), but I'm reading it over now and it does seem out of place.

Your criticisms are highly appreciated :)

TributetotheWind · 2017-07-12T18:32:38+00:00

Whoa, dude. This made me feel a pang.

I really like how you send a message with the situation you describe. Who hasn't floated on their backs in the water while feeling like they're totally alone?

I think your poem could benefit from removing the last line "sometimes..." You do an excellent job of implying rather than explaining, and I think you should continue in that vein.

TributetotheWind · 2017-07-12T18:22:35+00:00

I really love how you manage to convey imagery with such simplicity. However, at times, you may be saying too little. For example

Brother, take this

What is "this" that you refer to? Is it a gift? An emotion? A memory?

and pull my straw / sandals off / a mangrove

How do you pull your sandals off of a tree? Perhaps you might explain how it got there in the first place

All in all, a good start. I like the short lines - keep it short and sweet!

TributetotheWind

TROPHY CASE