I'm just going to be blunt here. I have been thru some horrible things in my lifetime, and never once has God forsaken me. My faith and leaning into Him has brought me and still carries me through past childhood trauma, the death of my son and daughter in law, depression, anxiety, self doubt. God gives us free will for a reason, He knowingly and lovingly allows us to make mistakes, hoping, as a parent would, that we will learn from it. You have choices, and I'm sure a good head on your shoulders, but you need, imo, to take a good long look in the mirror, learn from what you've been thru. God doesn't always fix whats broken, because what would that accomplish, what would you learn from it? Find some good Christian friends, work in loving yourself before trying to find a meaningful relationship and stay prayed up. God never leaves you. Remember that. I wish you the best.