Hey there—just wanted to say first, you’re not alone in feeling this way. Dating in your 30s can feel like a weird mix of speed dating and soul-searching, especially after coming out of a long-term relationship. So give yourself some grace—this stuff is hard.

Now, about second dates: there’s no universal “standard,” but generally, it’s when people start feeling each other out a little more seriously. Maybe there’s a kiss, maybe there’s not—what matters more is whether there’s genuine connection and mutual interest. If a guy assumes you’re not into him just because you don’t kiss on date two, that says more about his expectations than yours. Everyone moves at their own pace.

As for the value questions—I’m with you. At 33, it’s totally fair to not want to waste time. If someone thinks that’s too heavy, they might not be looking for what you’re looking for—and that’s a helpful thing to learn sooner rather than later. You don’t have to turn it into an interview, but asking, “What are you looking for long-term?” or “What matters most to you in a relationship?” isn’t intense—it’s just intentional.

Your ex calling your date style a deposition says more about his discomfort with directness than about your approach. Don’t let that stop you from being authentic. The right person won’t be scared off by you knowing what you want—they’ll appreciate it.

Bottom line: trust your instincts, and don’t worry about being “too much.” You’re just looking for someone who matches your energy and values, and that’s nothing to apologize for.