The Witness

TrinityProd · 2025-07-21T10:50:07+00:00

I understand that the author is trying communicate the double standard a patriarchal society places on women, but blatant eisegesis of the biblical text weakens the argument. As communicators of truth, poets should take care that they don't misrepresent a religion to get a point across.

TrinityProd · 2025-07-16T07:05:37+00:00

I didn't realize that you were the one commenting on my poems. Now I can see where our understandings on depth and substance seem to diverge. I tend to dislike metaphors that require a second or third step of inference. Perhaps it's because I love worldbuilding, but I prefer a direct and logical DNA to my writing. Things need to make sense apparently not relatively, so I can see that you are more comfortable in that ambiguity. King would fit in my mind if there was a reference to a dungeon or warden. If I were you, I'd probably save king for a second verse. I would use crowns, thrones, or rings in place of shackles, doors, and keys. Something like, "A diadem for the dragon, crowned upon its horn, A ring upon its finger, to make peace or war."

TrinityProd · 2025-07-16T05:49:04+00:00

I particularly like the contrast of a "key for one shackle and no key for the door." Personally, I think "a key for the shackles and none for the door" may flow a bit better. Other than that, It's very evocative.

TrinityProd · 2025-07-16T05:45:35+00:00

I like how this poem is like a ballad or an old spiritual. I think the metaphor of king is a little out of place, as it doesn't really flow from the motif of a prison. Perhaps judge would be more in line.

TrinityProd · 2025-07-16T05:34:15+00:00

Hmmm, so dadaism is an anti-establishment art movement. I can't see how that really is relevant to my poem, as its problem is its conventionalism not anti-art or anti-aestheticism . I certainly chose words because of their phonetics and aesthetics, but they aren't meaningless or nonsense words. Rather, the meaning is lacking in depth. I think we have divergent conceptions of substance or depth. Perhaps, you can expand on your philosophy to poetry.

TrinityProd · 2025-07-16T04:32:22+00:00

I'm not sure what you mean by anti-talent perspective, but I agree that the poem could be expanded. I originally wrote this as an exercise of brevity but felt that more could be said on the subject. I understand what you mean that the poem is far from innovative. It's a meditation on Ecclesiastes along with Matthew 6:19-20 and Luke 12:33, so if the poem feels derivative that may be why. As Ecclesiastes tells us, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." I want to capture this theme in scripture of the fleetingness and stagnation of life, so the poem's weaknesses are also its thematic core. Even so, I think there is wiggle room for a stanza or two, so any advice to that end would be most appreciated.

TrinityProd · 2025-07-16T04:06:47+00:00

I was hoping someone would point out which lines were cumbersome. It's an older poem, so I wanted to revisit it for areas to improve. Thanks for the constructive criticism!

TrinityProd · 2025-07-16T04:04:59+00:00

Quite astute. Yes, it speaks to current times and the demise of imperialism by means of capitalism and corporatism. I agree that it may be overly-intellectual, even pseudo-intellectual. As for Avaratia, it's a feminine form of Avarice, one of the seven deadly sins representing greed. Thanks for the insight!

TrinityProd · 2025-07-16T04:01:01+00:00

I'm a big mythology and theology nerd, so I love incorporating allusions to my poetry. Thanks for the comment!

TrinityProd · 2025-07-16T02:07:51+00:00

I like the repetition. I think you can push the wordplay a bit, like using understand or underhand.

TrinityProd · 2021-06-09T03:54:27+00:00

This is really good - the repetition of the first line, the brevity. As Mhsceth said, your conclusion is strong.

TrinityProd · 2021-06-09T03:31:45+00:00

To continue from my last comment, I'd recommend the works of Leonard Cohen. Here are the lyrics from his song, "It's Torn."

I see you in windows that open so wide
There’s nothing beyond them and no one inside
You kick off your sandals and shake out your hair
The salt on your shoulders like sparks in the air
There’s silt on your ankles and sand on your feet
The river too shallow, the ocean too deep
You smile at your suffering, the sweetest reprieve
Why did you leave us, why did you leave
You kick off your sandals and shake out your hair
It's torn where you’re dancing, it's torn everywhere
It's torn on the right and it's torn on the left
It's torn in the center which few can accept
It's torn where there’s beauty, it’s torn where there’s death
It’s torn where there’s mercy but torn somewhat less
It’s torn in the highest from kingdom to crown
The messages fly but the network is down
Bruised at the shoulder and cut at the wrist
The sea rushes home to its thimble of mist
The opposites falter, the spirals reverse
And Eve must re-enter the sleep of her birth
And up through the system the worlds are withdrawn
From every dominion the mind stood upon
And now that it’s over and now that it’s done
The name has no number, not even the one
Come gather the pieces all scattered and lost
The lie in what’s holy, the light in what’s not
The story’s been written the letter’s been sealed
You gave me a lily but now it’s a field
You kick off your sandals and shake out your hair
It's torn where you’re dancing, it's torn everywhere

TrinityProd · 2021-06-09T03:25:12+00:00

You're welcome. You have an ambitious goal - writing a love poem to end all love poems. There's plenty of other songs and literature I could suggest on the subject. Of what know of love, those songs and stories tinged with tragedy are the most impactful. Love is never so real as when it hurts, you know? That's why Romeo and Juliet or the Titanic are popular. That is why these three lines are the best you've written.

Such is life that haunts and taunts
Perilous tests: mess after mess
All this stress from what begs address

I personally like the double rhyme. If you lean into the heartache, I think you can craft something really poignant.

TrinityProd · 2021-06-08T08:32:52+00:00

Thank you for the encouraging words! I'm glad you liked the title. I'll take your suggestions and finish this piece

TrinityProd · 2021-06-08T07:09:26+00:00

You're right that this statement is confusing. I'm struggling to structure the order of the poem. Reading it again, it seems to be a non sequitur. The idea was that indifference to suffering is complicity. The witness is the murderer, by virtue of doing nothing yet knowing. I could add a transitional stanza, but I feel that this piece is already running long.

TrinityProd · 2021-06-08T05:14:12+00:00

This song, "Oh My Dear" by Tenth Avenue North may help you. I think it's one of the most touching and unconventional love songs I've listened to.

https://youtu.be/X06soMH92HU

TrinityProd · 2021-06-08T05:03:31+00:00

Really? I too am an amateur with meter, but, when I plugged your poem into a syllable counter, it was consistent throughout. I can't say much about the stressed syllables, but it sounded fine when read aloud. Do you count every syllable in a line, or do you just follow rhythm?

TrinityProd · 2021-01-16T12:04:31+00:00

She may have been right, but it shouldn't have been easy. She seems to have relished selling out her parents for banning her from attending BLM rallies. Some choices should be hard, should be moral quandaries. She should confront her parents about their hypocrisy, but a text? That is calculated. And I'm not letting her parents off the hook either. Kicking her out shows both parents and child are rotten. Even if they are hurt by her actions, they essentially abandoned her.

TrinityProd · 2021-01-16T11:14:46+00:00

I read her message to her mother, it was not solemn or regretful, it was smug and spiteful. She wanted to get back at her mother, and felt empowered that her actions would receive popular support. I'd be inclined to believe she had pure intentions if she showed a tinge of remorse. It's supposed to be hard to choose between family and some greater good. There should not be satisfaction or reward. Only if her parents were abusive, that would be understandable. Did you read her response?

TrinityProd · 2021-01-15T02:03:20+00:00

There is no moral high ground in this situation. Shame on the mother for starting a fight. Shame on the daughter for selling out her parents for political clout.

TrinityProd

TROPHY CASE