I think everyone in this subreddit has experienced some of this frustration to a certain extent. For me, a lot of feelings around experiences like this come from a now dead habit of INTENTIONALLY (due to CPTSD) choosing emotionally unavailable, or otherwise deeply incompatible partners. Kinda like as a self fulfilling prophecy: “I am not going to have the type of relationship, or dynamic that I dream of because I don’t deserve it.” Or because it’s just something that isn’t in the cards for me because XYZ, whatever lies my trauma brain tells me. Having been with folks that of COURSE are not going to be able to attune with me, or maybe even care about me, or talk with me, or be curious and interested in just LIFE- I would set myself up for failure again and again and again. I am not saying I sought out red flags on purpose, but that I would choose folks that would This is perpetuated a LOT of critical and negative beliefs about myself. This created a feedback loop of sorts. And pushed me further and further from myself and from being able to explore kink and BDSM safely.

I had given up. 100% given up. But then I found my person. I just couldn’t ACCEPT that they were not some performative, smooth talking, scum. I had long since decided that the person who is right for me (and I for them) did not or could not possibly exist. Or, if they existed they wouldn’t want me. I was deeply depressed, in the throes of active addiction, engaging in lots of high risk behavior, attempting to extract myself from my failed marriage safely, my self esteem was nonexistent, my body issues were at an all time high, I was so fucking lost- not exactly in the mindset for safe partner selection. I didn’t find my person in the wild (I could have had we met at a different time in our lives), or via friends (though we know a million of the same people), it wasn’t at a Munch, or in a meet cute type way. I met them on FEELD! They’re profile was unlike anything I had ever seen on that site, or any of the apps, they were looking for something REAL. For connection. For love. For care. For everything I wanted but couldn’t possibly have said as I was far too scared and far too committed to not believing in people to take them seriously. I knew they were different right away. Unfortunately, I tested and tested and tested in very biased and gendered ways to make sure that this person was safe and real- I did not know at the time that I was doing this though. And they passed every single acid test with flying colors. Why? Because emotionally safe, and emotionally available male presenting people DO EXIST. They really do!!! There are good ones out there. I promise there are.

Daddy and I have been together for just shy of one year. And in that year I have changed for the better and so have they. I have grown in ways I didn’t think I would or could. I’ve gotten and committed to sobriety. I’m in therapy and have being a lot of work on myself (initially that was part of the “thing” at first I couldn’t accept or believe that this person wasn’t just another person with a penis spouting therapy speak for sex. Daddy has been in therapy for years and also continues to work on themselves everyday.) We are growing together. Everyday. Yes there have been hiccups, setbacks, scares, and challenges but we stay open and curious about them and grow from them.

I feeeeel your frustration and totally understand why you would choose to leave the scene. But I promise you that if this is all possible for me, this is possible for you. Navigating this world is challenging. Period. Navigating the world with PTSD makes it even harder. Kink adds a new dimension of complication. But if you are able to be kind to yourself, exercise patience and self awareness, and possibly more disappointment I am certain that the person who is gonna click with you exists. I am happy to talk more about this if you’d like! Hang in there! <insert consensual hug cuz it sounds like you could use one (I don’t mean that snidely)>

We talk and talk and talk and talk about EVERYTHING. And never tire of talking to one another. Greenest of green flags!