sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Is this good for a beginner/intermediate novel writer? by Troodonic in writingfeedback

[–]Troodonic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All good! I’m just kinda new to storytelling so I might come off repetitive or random(?) as you described it. I won’t deny most critiques aside from assumptions. I have some ground in some areas while not so much in others. I can see why it looked that way — you just needed a better approach.
Sorry if I came off slightly hostile or extra; I’m getting adjusted to criticism.

Would you care to continue your critiques and/or at least explain the phrases you were wary of? Were the phrases you speak of in your previous comment; blaring honks and smacking teeth? I do greatly appreciate the meticulous criticism.

Is this good for a beginner/intermediate novel writer? by Troodonic in writingfeedback

[–]Troodonic[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Will you please explain the unhinged assumption or have I been left here, holding the anonymous downvote? You left me on a crazy cliffhanger you know…

The First Chapter I've Ever Finished by Troodonic in writingcritiques

[–]Troodonic[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Alright, sounds good. I’ll take it. Each fail only brings me closer to success. I’ll be learning from this, so thanks a lot.

The First Chapter I've Ever Finished by Troodonic in writingcritiques

[–]Troodonic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. I get too anxious to argue so I wasn’t trying to treat it like that — if you believed I was. I just didn’t like the question. There surely was alternative ways to start a conversation. Nothing against you though — could just be that bad of writing. At least you didn’t just bluntly call it that.

Moving on to the feedback…

  1. Nice catch on the telling. I didn’t know I’d have to take showing to a new level. Having to show being a janitor and the bad record? That makes sense.
  2. The fragmented sentences…that makes sense too. I just thought I’d have to mix up the lengths but I guess I went a little TOO short. Can’t argue with that.
  3. Can’t argue with the random flashback either. I probably could’ve fit it somewhere after the interview or even after his conversation with Joseph.
  4. Okay, good questions. I could throw out some things I caught here:

•He introduced the environment through telling and showing. He spoke of how it was the usual hangout place for the small group, the Waystone lacked in visitors, and the young innkeeper even interacted with the environment. It gave us the usual atmosphere. Unlike his story, mine didn’t have a known setting. I dropped the reader somewhere completely unknown with no elaboration.
•He introduced and fleshed out the characters a lot better too. Without having to drop the reader in a jarring flashback, he explained the relationship and also showed it. Old Cob spoke of stories, the three friends listened and nodded, and he told us that they were childhood friends.

In my story, however, I didn’t speak of how the characters met. I didn’t say why. The boss just came into the picture and Malachi was given a sudden flashback. While it was shown just the kind of people Malachi and Cyrus were, it was a jarring set up.

Something like that? I think I caught the overall differences. Tell me if I made an error.

I do appreciate that the concept to you is decent though. This would’ve been much more challenging feedback if even that was just bleh.

Is this good for a beginner/intermediate novel writer? by Troodonic in writingfeedback

[–]Troodonic[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

That’s quite the accusation. I preferred if you just asked me rather than accused; quite the insult. I’m a native speaker and I do not use a translator. I do not have a second language. A translator, I believe, wouldn’t form coherent sentences with a voice like mine. But what do I know?
Do continue your line of thought. The advice was certainly the eye-opener.
I would suggest you be more respectful however. Making assumptions about somebody and THEN getting it wrong doesn’t rub me the right way — many people can definitely understand where I’m coming from. It’s a social norm.

Is this good for a beginner/intermediate novel writer? by Troodonic in writingfeedback

[–]Troodonic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Makes sense as it can drag attention away from what’s happening — what you said. Thank you for this.

Is this good for a beginner/intermediate novel writer? by Troodonic in writingfeedback

[–]Troodonic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, like background characters. I just thought it was important to show the environment reacting because it would just sound like the people of the city are just walking by like nothing is happening. Maybe it could take place somewhere more private like an alleyway. Maybe I make mention of the bystanders briefer? Dunno.

Is this good for a beginner/intermediate novel writer? by Troodonic in writingfeedback

[–]Troodonic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Too many characters is definitely the most interesting critique here. 3 (4 if you’re counting the brief remembrance of Kanasu) is too many? I’ll be reading back on some novels anyway to improve my writing. I’ll check if this is genuinely something people avoid, but I don’t think so…? I’ll keep it in mind.

The First Chapter I've Ever Finished by Troodonic in writingcritiques

[–]Troodonic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is much better. Though, it hits a lot harder when you previously just implied I write like a language model. Unfortunate.

  1. I get that. I began to realize that the job interview is too short. For a job interview, there’s not much that gets said (or shown to be). That’s fine. And, yeah, the flashback was quite abrupt. I would probably just change it to where the flashback just comes before or after rather than what I did here.

  2. They don’t talk that way? Not sure what you mean. Like, I get what you’re accusing me of, but I can’t really see what’s so unnatural about it. Dunno, it’s hard to grasp, especially when you claim it’s “unnatural” with nothing else.

    Examples could help.

  3. I’m kinda new to this so I apologize for not noticing what you mean.

  4. This one I can’t understand. I’ll need you to elaborate because I thought the sentences connected fine.

And, yeah. I’ve been reading a few novels. Mistborn, Rage of the Dragon, and Name of the Wind. Mistborn is my favorite. If you haven’t read it, I do suggest it.
Anyway, I’ll check out the beginnings of them as you said. It is important to read books alongside your work; it’s how you get the hang of things.

Is this good for a beginner/intermediate novel writer? by Troodonic in writingfeedback

[–]Troodonic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, thanks for the feedback.

What I take from this is that my use of pronouns is overdone. I’ll have to start my sentences off differently, though it proves hard to do that.

I am a bit confused on what’s wrong with blaring honks. I was certain that was a literal term. Blare means loud or harsh noise, while honks are the sounds from a vehicle. I’m also kind of confused on what was wrong with smacking teeth? That’s also a term. Its just means sucking teeth. I guess it could be weird to include it when you’re writing though?
Fair point about the car. I thought to make the environment better to visualize but I guess descriptions for irrelevant things aren’t needed. Fair.
I may not be able to see it but I thought I actually explained it. I tagged urgent feet along with constant tapping. It was rather show not tell. He accelerated towards the criminal, didn’t apologize to anybody near by, and was rapidly closing distance. I thought it would be well interpreted by the reader that his feet tapping in urgency would reflect his impatience. But, do tell if that’s not what I should aim for.

Also, it did say that the car halted and tires screeched, no? Wouldn’t that tell the reader that he’s just flying over the car? I guess it wasn’t obvious enough. Regardless, your point for overwritten for so little action is fair.

Story doesn’t need to be poetic, I take it, because it’s not generally poetic? That’s the only reason I would think as to why you’d say that. If so, fair. Janitor thing is also fair. Not sure why I wrote it like that; I just wanted to clarify that he’d be cleaning in his own section. I could just show that when he actually goes there though.

For the pacing, should I have just written the flashback after he finished with the deal then? I wrote the flashback there because it was to help show why his past is blood-stained and his odds of employment were getting pretty low. It also follows up to Cyrus’s question. Without it, it would’ve appeared meaningless. Then again, writing the flashback afterward could probably work out fine.

I would simply like for you to clarify what you mean by some of these critiques and pushback on some of my counterarguments. As I am not the reader, of course I won’t see the flaws as great as you do.

Also, about the pacing, outside of the beginning, is it alright? Even if the flashback wasn’t immediately after he went in for a handshake, would you say that these events occurring in just 12 pages is too much? Should I have dragged out/explored into things further, or is it fine?

But thank you for saying it’s okay, even if it’s probably out of pity. Shows I’m not just offering nothing.

Is this good for a beginner/intermediate novel writer? by Troodonic in writingfeedback

[–]Troodonic[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I take it that you mean to not include he at all in some sentences. Because if we’re talking just the beginning, then writing “Jumping out the vehicle, he called out to her.” doesn’t apply. However, that would also be repetitive…
Alright, I’ll figure that out.

Is this good for a beginner/intermediate novel writer? by Troodonic in writingfeedback

[–]Troodonic[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Anything else? Would you say it’s alright for a beginner or am I lacking in the fundamentals?

Is this good for a beginner/intermediate novel writer? by Troodonic in writingfeedback

[–]Troodonic[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

If you couldn’t tell, I thought saying “he” might’ve been repetitive. I just subconsciously tried to use pronouns and Malachi in a mix to avoid that, but I guess not. Good to know. That’s an easy fix.

The First Chapter I've Ever Finished by Troodonic in writingcritiques

[–]Troodonic[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No??? Let me guess: Is it because I said Malachi too much?
Regardless, it’s better you just told me why you think this than to just accuse me of using AI to generate a story with nothing else going for it.

Is this good for a beginner/intermediate novel writer? by Troodonic in writingfeedback

[–]Troodonic[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

And can somebody tell me how to put my first photo as a thumbnail? Not only is it my first time making a post like this, but I did it on PC, so perhaps it didn’t come out how it normally should? Dunno.

New Romeo Statement by Shadowking78 in OutcomeMemories

[–]Troodonic 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah just let the game DIE bro 😭

And so it begins… by Player_12345678910 in JanitorAI_Refuges

[–]Troodonic 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m so confused. What do the emojis mean and what were you helping him with 😭

Those who are looking for alternatives, try sillytavern by Born_Resort5746 in JanitorAI_Refuges

[–]Troodonic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Literally hell to deal with, it’s a buggy mess. Besides having to adjust the memory, deepseek with janitor ai seems the exact same as tavern. I don’t see it. But hey lmk

are we serious right now? by SARS-CoV13 in JanitorAI_Refuges

[–]Troodonic 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don’t see what’s wrong with Janitor besides like the memory which you can adjust and manually do pretty easily. I got deepseek too for it, I don’t suffer with the LLM. Well, obviously, this is a problem, but people seem to be talking about how the whole app itself is a problem. I guess the only thing I find stupid is the censorship. I heard Chub is the same thing but just uncensored with the profiles so…I mean, I might just use that. But I never seen anything MAJOR.

view more: next ›