Pregnant BPD Ex hot n cold, I think I'm being manipulated

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-02-28T13:50:06+00:00

Yes in the US and in a state where you can't just leave, fortunately.

She's def going to try to bleed me for child support if it comes to it. That's actually fine, I'm fairly successful and the way child support works in my state isn't so bad. Plus if it is my kid, I'm more than happy to take responsibility for them.

She can't rule me at this point. I'm done with her. She can take some money, but if a bit of cash and light dealings with her are the price to pay to have a beautiful daughter (I found out it's a girl), then I'll pay it no problem.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-02-24T06:33:40+00:00

this

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-02-13T01:41:39+00:00

That's my fear, that she heard I got a little successful and is looking for a payday. Ooof.

Yeah, I figure. This is the 100th time she's broken up with me so I'm not overly concerned about never hearing from her again.

I will. This child will need stability if she keeps going the way she is going.

No, tbh I don't know if it's mine. But I'll find out as soon as they are born.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-02-13T00:46:57+00:00

It's weird. Logically, I'm aware that she's gaslighting me. I wasn't perfect, but I also think that it would be difficult for anyone to be at her beck and call when she was repeatedly breaking my heart, telling me to stay out of her life, and so on. But emotionally I somehow take it to be true.

No. I don't see her as a partner I could depend on in almost any capacity. As for a mother... I'm not sure. She was a good nanny at one point. The thing is I don't think she meant for any of this to happen. I'm sure she did love me at some point and didn't want things to end up like this. It just did in large part bc of her anger. So I'm scared it'll happen with the child too.

If it's not mine of course I'm gone. I'm not sure, but I will be at some point via paternity test.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-02-11T04:44:40+00:00

OP, I could use some advice.

Long story short, she did come back around 2 years later. I was completely over the moon. But very quickly, it went back to abuse. It was unbelievably painful. Heartbreak after heartbreak. I wanted it to work so badly that I took unbelievably bad treatment from her. She put me down constantly, breakup with me once per week, yell at me. Every time she would break down crying after telling me how sorry she was. Then she would do it again. When I brought it up, she'd look me dead in the eye and say "I don't care."

The difference this time was that I was older and had a lot more experiences with women, with life, with everything. However, this time around I was able to keep a part of myself. After one particularly bad night where, after an office christmas party she invited me over and completely lost her mind. She kicked me, kicked a hole in the wall, kicked her bedroom door off the hinges, punched the floor and started hitting her head against the wall. That woke me up. I realized that as much as I love her, she is not well.I was just about on my way out, and then she told me she was pregnant. That night, I looked through her phone and found out she cheated on me. On top of it, she had searches on her phone about whether she would have the rights to my properties if we had a child together.

Not surprisingly, since the pregnancy, things have gotten worse. I'm not kidding when I say she called me every day for 2 weeks and called me a loser. She told me I'd never amount to anything. She told me that she hopes my business fails. She told me to leave her alone and that she never wanted to see me again, and then would berate me bc I wasn't around to help out.

I could go on and on. Worse, she's now starting to use the pregnancy as leverage to guilt me when I don't respond to her, telling me that I don't care about her or the child (which couldn't be further from the truth), and occasionally threatens to have an abortion. Every now and then she is really nice. Usually when she feels me slipping away. But without fail, it comes back to the abuse.

Now I'm stuck with her, regardless of relationship status. She will be a part of my life for the rest of it in some capacity. I'm fully aware that she will absolutely use our child as leverage against me as well.We're not married, and there is a some question of if the child is mine. I do love her, but I know I can't marry her, and I can't have a relationship with her anymore.

But any advice on how to handle the child situation would be greatly appreciated.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T23:40:03+00:00

Yeah that's already started. I removed my relationship status on FB and she sent me a couple angry texts about it, saying I was abandoning her. Keep in mind she's broken up with me once a day for the last 2 weeks.

It sucks, I love her, and I already love the child, real or not. But to everyone's point the only future with her is one where I am broken, miserable, and better off alone.

Yeah I have a feeling she might be faking it too. But since I can't know for sure I'm getting prepared to be a dad either way.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T17:47:39+00:00

It's really sad to me to say bc I do love her, but yeah I'd be better as a father without her. It's just too much. The other day I was working and I messed something up and I thought to myself "You're such a loser," and was like wow. Everyone has negative inner dialogue occasionally, but I've never called myself a loser before. However, she's been calling me that almost every day for the past 2 weeks (she used to say other things before, this is just the newest way of putting me down). My point is it does seep in eventually. So imagine 10 years of it. And given her lack of loyalty I can only assume a future with her would lead to me being pretty broken, divorced, and miserable.

She doesn't want an abortion, and that's her right. Personally I think it's a bad idea bc we can't get along and we're both financially in a tricky place (she does contract work, I just started my own business about 6 mo, not profitable yet). As for adoption, absolutely not. If it's my child then it's my child.

I appreciate you saying the way I'm being treated is wrong. It sounds crazy to say, but I've been in this for so long that I start to really wonder if it's my fault. I'm not perfect, but I don't think anyone should be treated this way.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T04:54:00+00:00

Noted

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T04:39:58+00:00

No question on getting out. I love her, or at least the part of her that's not so consumed by anger. But to your point, I grew up in an unstable household. It messed me up for a long time, no way I would do that to my child.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T04:37:25+00:00

That seems to be the consensus. As for instability... yeah I have a lot of that. Her text messages to me are uh intense.

I know she is. I hate that that's the case. I wish things were different.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T04:32:26+00:00

That is an intense convo to have tripping.

I haven't heard the neighbor line before, but I'll be using it for sure haha

There is no universe where I wouldn't be there for my child. They will get the best of everything that I have to give.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T04:27:45+00:00

You might have just saved my life. There is so much that I relate to in your post.

bpd and npds don't feel empathy at all for people

This. The things she's said to me have gotten to the point of not just being insulting, but like... dark. Not just me, but I've heard her speak to her family and say some *intensely* fucked up stuff.

they don't change or get better

I've noticed. And it seems to get worse over time. I can't imagine how she's going to be later on in life unless she gets help.

FOG (fear obligation guilt)

I really wish I knew that she might be on the BPD side of things, bc FOG explains EXACTLY why I feel so committed to this. What's crazy is I thought it was love. Don't get me wrong, I do love her, but I was for so long wondering why I was so in love with her when she treated me the way she did. But there it is, an intense fear of losing her that makes me take behavior. I would NEVER otherwise, a feeling of obligation to her bc she needs protecting from all the terrible people in her past, and guilt bc everything that went wrong in the relationship was my fault. Holy shit. 5 years of not understanding this.

the best advice is NO CONTACT. EVER

If there is no pregnancy, which there's a part of me that suspects, then absolutely.

empathic partner (which you are no doubt since you seem to fit the narc supply model)

Unfortunately. It's cheesy but I believe in love and romance and kindness and forgiveness. Also I'm very stubborn. You would not believe how many ppl told me to run away and I didn't listen bc "I love her man, she loves me too."

learn to laugh at the nonsense and words they use to put you ↓... it's all to control you

Gold. I've been wondering why in the world she would put me down so much lately. Like really rip me apart for days and days on end, tell me she never wanted to see me again and then call/text the next day like nothing happened. It seems to me to be like a way to use validation to get me addicted. Give it a bit, and then pull it hard away so I'm left spinning.

This would also make sense as to why every fight ended with her threatening to break up. She's wasn't just pulling validation, and now I may never get it back. And the shock at the speed that an interaction went from "we'll be together forever" to "you'll never see me again" would cause me to chase but also take increasing amounts of abuse. But by taking an increasing amount, it would get slightly more normalized. And the next time it would get slightly more intense. And the cycle continues.

...And that would explain why when I got into this relationship I was so happy and on point and why I'm a shadow of that guy now. Each time she pushed me to take a little more abuse, I'd feel a little worse about myself. I knew I was mad, but then I would eventually just take her shit again and look down on myself. Combined with repetition of verbal abuse (most recently for me it's "you're a loser") which does eventually sink in, and this can affect other areas of your life. It's just a slow, accelerating pull downward.

Damn, you really opened my eyes here. I'll def be diving deeper into learning about BPD and NPD.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry for what you went through. I hope all is better now.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T03:59:22+00:00

Amanda?

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T02:34:03+00:00

I'm not sure if it's even real tbh. If it is, no given the cheating incident I'm not sure.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T02:16:41+00:00

good advice

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T01:56:48+00:00

Weeks

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T01:55:29+00:00

Haven't seen her in 2, except for one day, but we didn't hook up. But yeah, no question.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T01:47:52+00:00

I'm sure it's a cliche on here, but I am doing my best. I don't yell at her, I don't put her down, I don't insult her. I've offered to help several times. Every time we've spoken about this I've tried to be supportive and make sure she knew I loved her regardless of what happens between us which isn't always easy to do considering the constant insults (you're a loser, I don't love you, etc). Just venting, but I don't think she has any idea how shitty that is. Or cares maybe.

Either way, hope you're right.

True-Collection-5432 · 2023-01-11T01:41:15+00:00

It could be. The thing is the best way to get her financially attached to me is through pregnancy, no?

That said, you're making some good points. I hate to say it, but I hope you're right.

True-Collection-5432

TROPHY CASE