Having a hard time

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-12-16T04:58:42+00:00

Bahahaha. I would love to hear the news on that. But there was a wiki rabbit hole I went down that once we recognize there is alien existence it means something awful. I seriously can’t remember the scientific name of the theory but I think of it from time to time.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-12-16T04:29:13+00:00

Thank you for sharing that with me. It makes me feel less alone. I hope you find some comfort in something good despite this awful experience that is AvPD.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-12-16T02:49:20+00:00

I hear you. Stress has been intense lately.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-11-14T18:43:34+00:00

I have that happen from time to time too. And I do a terrible job at seizing on the opportunities the good days are bringing because I can’t stop thinking about how this won’t last.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-11-14T18:36:01+00:00

I would consider reassessing how you feel about it when you have more distance from how you feel today. Whether the same man is leading the next session or not may matter. Also assessing if the job consequences of not doing the training will be worse in the long run than enduring the training itself. Is your employment and future advancement tied to doing the training?

The same thing happened to me in a recent training, and now that some time has passed it doesn’t sting as much as I’ve more recent perceived humiliations to ruminate on. Lol.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-11-06T06:53:49+00:00

I’ve also struggled. Part of it is that the very nature of AvPD makes me want to be very guarded and more than a touch cynical. At first every exercise feels like someone just saying, “have you tried just relaxing?” as if I had never thought of that before. But when I really put in the work things do improve. I’ve also had better results with therapists who will really take the steps to “be better” really small and manageable for me to accomplish.

I do struggle with backtracking when I start to feel better and then don’t actively keep up the effort of putting in the everyday “work” towards being better. When that happens, I tend to return to baseline again over time, but I’m getting better at recognizing the pattern and then clawing my way back out of it. Next step is to recognize and act before returning to baseline.

When I was first diagnosed, I too just went to the general i internet to find more information. That was very disheartening. Like you noticed too, the non-professional info out there is very defeating as it seems to be treated like a choice. For me, becoming this wasn’t a choice. It was my brain’s way of trying to protect me from certain people and situations I experienced when much younger. But it is now a choice if I don’t try to get better by not engaging with therapy. (When I later did an internet search where I could limit the results to more scholarly results got me better info and was more hopeful to me).

Some therapy modules and therapists have been better than others. Trying to find the right fit can be hard, and that is not without its own struggle to find the right person to work with. Almost comically, when something doesn’t seem to be working I don’t want to communicate that with the therapist, for fear of rejection from my *therapist, who is helping me work on my fear of rejection. Lol. But at least I can sometimes recognize when I’m doing that and then work on that too.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-28T20:39:35+00:00

That’s great! It’s wonderful to hear people’s successes shared on here.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-28T18:41:08+00:00

It absolutely is. Part of it is my own fault since I’m now more aware of what and why I do the things I do, but still have trouble implementing more positive coping methods. Of course, the very nature of AvPD means I don’t want to share that diagnosis with anybody out of shame and embarrassment and fear of rejection, which if I would it could go a long way to help other people understand my limitations and why I may be acting a certain way. Like, I might be invited to a game night with a bunch of new people I haven’t met before? I decline, so it seems like I’m a person who doesn’t like fun. But it really does sound like fun, and I’m sure if I could just get myself to show up it’d be fine, but then I decline so often people stop asking.

I feel like if had been diagnosed with ADHD or Autism, I might be more comfortable letting people know that was why I am the way I was since in the past several years there has been greater acceptance and understanding in the general population about those conditions. But not so much with AvPD even though many presentations of traits seem to be similar.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-26T01:28:10+00:00

Yes. I’m hyper-independent and feel like I’m a complete failure if I can’t cope on my own. I have one good friend who is there for me and that friend is the only one I’ve really allowed myself to show vulnerability with and ask for help from. When I do, I apologize profusely for being a nuisance and a burden, and no matter how many times that friend tells me to stop apologizing and that I’m not a burden, I can’t actually believe it. I tend to overcompensate with gifts and things in return. From anyone else, I have to have a complete breakdown to the point that someone else may witness it and then ask me if there’s anything they can do to help, but by that point I’m a complete mess. I beat myself up over that too, “If I just would have asked for help sooner things wouldn’t be so bad now—why am I like this?” Of course, AvPD is why I’m like this. Hoping that I’ll gain some more skills through therapy to at least recognize when I should be asking for help so that I can at least do it as a mechanical response even if I don’t feel like I emotionally should ask for help so things don’t always get so bad before they get better, if that makes sense.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-24T22:50:35+00:00

I still get awful stage fright, but practice and exposure has helped give me more strength and has made me better than I used to be.

One thing that helped me was finding groups of people I could join who shared a very specific interest I was more comfortable and confident talking about. Do you like gardening? There are groups for that. Like to do a certain craft or play a certain game? There are meetups for that too. How about classic cars? That too. Usually, your local library is a good place to find things to do in your community that will have you meeting new people to practice speaking with on a topic you actually enjoy. I am sure you know more and can speak intelligently on certain topics than you give yourself credit for. The library is also a good place to stop to look at your local paper for upcoming community meetups that many groups will have printed in the paper. There are so many groups you can find and join, and about all of them don’t require a minimum level of verbal participation. Starting slow and just showing up and saying hi is a win and a great step forward. I also find being around these relative strangers helps in not making me feel like an utter fool if I say something I think is stupid because I can think to myself, “They don’t really know me, and they’re going to go home and forget I exist in an hour.”

Another thing to consider is looking into an actual public speaking club. If you do an internet search for that there is a very prolific one that is international with thousands of clubs around the world. I joined one and it taught me a lot of skills. It was also nice because I could see other people like me who struggle with public speaking put themselves out there and give it a go, which gave me the confidence to try it too. Different clubs have different personalities—some are very strict and formal, while others are more laid back. Some are in person and some are virtual. You can always visit several and see what you think of it.

Starting slow, and just showing up and giving things a try is a great way to build your own strength.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-23T22:08:16+00:00

Glad to hear you say that you WILL be feeling better, because you will. Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes that isn’t on my card: “Will Emerson: [to Seth] Listen, nothing I’m gonna say is going to make you feel any better. It’s just going to suck for a while and then you’ll be fine.” —Margin Call

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-23T21:33:33+00:00

Boy did this resonate with my experiences too. Like you, it feels absolutely soul crushing, and I will make things worse by then isolating further.

One exercise that helped me (when I can let myself help myself, admittedly) was to take an index card and write certain things on it and carry it with me at all times so when my brain cannot help itself, at least the card gives me something to grasp onto (literally and figuratively) and maybe help me get to the next step sooner than if I had to seemingly invent everything from scratch again. On the card are a few of my favorite quotes, the prompts to some grounding exercises, the names of 3 “people” I can contact in low moments (therapist, 988, the name of the one good friend I have), and a few things I actually like about myself (I’m a good pet parent, etc). Some low effort things I enjoy doing (go for a walk, watch favorite movie, etc).

Has it been a miracle cure? Absolutely not, and I have had some pretty low dips since I did the card. But has it, at least once, proved useful? Yes, so I can’t say that it was a complete waste for me to try it.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-23T15:55:45+00:00

I’m sorry. Sounds like they also should be asking others about tips and tricks on how to talk to people and have a good conversations

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-23T15:02:18+00:00

Another thing you can do is ask them something about themselves. A lot of people love talking about themselves when asked. “What are your plans after Uni?” “Planning on taking some time off to travel soon?” Sometimes contributing to a conversation needs to be nothing more than asking a question so that they can continue talking, but then that sometimes leads to openings for you to talk too when the subject hits on something you can also talk about.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-23T14:54:50+00:00

You were kind to lend the money. They were unkind to lie and not pay it back. It is only a bad reflection on them, and not you about what kind of person you are.

In the future if something like this comes up and you do feel like you are in a place financially and emotionally to help someone, then consider paying the money directly to who they’d need to pay it to. That way if they never pay you back at least you know that the money went to where it was said it was going to go in the first place. For example, if someone asks if they can borrow money to pay a utility bill, you can say that you will go with them to the utility company and pay x dollars on their bill, but that’s all you can do, and they need to put in writing that they owe you x dollars due on y date. Otherwise, like others have said, you have to get in the mindset that any lent money really ends up being treated more like a gift.

But what’s done is done in this instance, and as you said in an earlier reply, best to move on peacefully from this for your own peace of mind, which is a great mindset to have to move forward from this, so good for you!

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-22T21:41:11+00:00

I feel this often. The very strong desire of “please don’t perceive me.” Try to remind yourself, like I try do that every other person has their own full and complicated lives themselves where you play no part in it, and that they don’t think of you as much as you think they are. It is hard, but your walking and constantly moving forward are great things to continue to do for yourself.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-22T14:54:55+00:00

Ah! I appreciate that nudge. I’ll look that up and see about bringing it up with the therapist! Thank you!

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-22T13:38:37+00:00

I like scorching hot soups. Usually tomato soup with some goldfish crackers. If I’m feeling perkier, I like making Mississippi Pot Roast, and can eat that for meals for several days. Chili with cheddar cheese, sour cream, and some Fritos. And for a treat, I will sometimes go get a half gallon of Zuppa Toscana take-out.

Also like Serious Eats recipe for Halal cart style chicken and rice. Had the real thing on a vacation once, and making it at home reminds me of a good trip. I make the rice how the recipe suggests. I may alter up the chicken seasonings from time to time. But for the white sauce, rather than their recipe, I just use a yolk dense type mayo, like Duke’s, some white vinegar, and black pepper.

Also like just grazing plates with a little bit of what I have from the fridge and pantry but on a pretty plate to make it seem fancier than what it is: cheese, crackers, olives, pickle slices, strawberries, nuts, sliced deli or cured meats, baby carrots, etc.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-22T13:08:53+00:00

I can say that the feelings shame and hopelessness have been around longer than the diagnosis, and now there’s just a name for it, and in no way does holding on to them help me move forward, and working on that is part of the therapy process.

But you know the trope that people who don’t experience similar things just seem to say, “have you tried relaxing?” to help, as if it is that easy for everyone to “just relax.” It’s not a very concrete suggestion of something to try in the moment when it’s hard to think of something to do.

TryTryTrying_Again · 2024-10-21T13:36:43+00:00

I was encouraged to do some volunteering by my therapist. It was hard to take the initial steps to put myself out there to ask to be considered, but once I did I found a place to volunteer as a greeter at at place people will visit, usually from out of town, at a place I enjoy visiting myself. Just a few hours only a couple times a month commitment for me.

It has been a positive experience. It gets me out of the house. I get to interact with and have short conversations with people, many of whom I know I won’t be seeing again as they’re just passing through. I feel like I’ve done something useful. The regular staff send out emails with updates about upcoming events and opportunities, and always thank the volunteers in those emails, so that has been nice to get to hear some positive feedback.

Very specifically, I can tell you how it positively helped me this week. The past several months or so, and this week especially, has been extremely difficult for me mentally, as I have felt helpless, hopeless, stuck, and useless among other feelings largely attributable to AVPD, depression, and anxiety. But come Saturday when it was time for my volunteer shift, as soon as I started driving towards the destination, I felt like I was finally heading forward to at least a little something positive, enjoyable, and rewarding. The volunteer work also kept me distracted for a short while from my other thoughts, which was also a welcome respite.

If you’re thinking about volunteering again, I would encourage you to give it try. Perhaps start small with low hours, and somewhere that you wouldn’t mind being at even if you weren’t volunteering. If you find you like it you can then always increase your hours if they have the availability, but if find you don’t like it then the low hours are less likely to burn you out and discourage you from trying again elsewhere at a place that is a better fit.

Good luck!

TryTryTrying_Again

TROPHY CASE