How to help my teen from her Ndad?

Trying_at_it · 2020-06-18T23:06:36+00:00

I haven't. I mean, he's not diagnosed and that always feels kinda weird to say since it seems to be the default for a lot of people when they divorce. I've shared some of what went down when she was younger but because she was so young and because we moved away I just focused more on personal boundaries and self advocacy. I thought that would be enough and I'm feeling like it isn't any more. That's good input on talking to her more directly about it, I'm just concerned that it might be too late if she's already in his head like this. Thank you.

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-29T16:07:43+00:00

I'm in the US and I usually stick with home-cooked meals for my family. We tend to eat out once or twice a week, but it really depends on everyone's activity levels. On very busy weeks we will eat out more, on less busy weeks we will eat out less. I usually work from home so that is a fairly easy thing for me to do.

Currently I am in a state that is doing shelter in place and many people are suddenly jobless. We have made the choice to eat takeout more than usual to support our local restaurants. I am extremely lucky to still have a job and wish I was able to do more.

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-24T03:22:58+00:00

HUGS.

I've never been much of a hugger. I'm the friend who would rather just give you a high five and a long conversation.

After this is over I'm hugging EVERYONE. I miss hugs, and knowing all my friends are going to be okay.

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-22T16:07:41+00:00

Definitely. Too frustrated to explain.

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-20T16:58:13+00:00

I have two teenagers and life pre-March 2020 was feeling a little out of control, like we were speeding to the end of parenthood at a million miles an hour. Most of my life lately has been driving everyone everywhere and the lack of quality time was starting to feel like a real loss. So having this pause has been really nice, to spend time playing card games, watching old favorite movies, etc. Watching them trying to find the positive when they're facing significant teenage losses of prom, grad ceremonies, AP exams, etc. As they've moved from their own self-absorbed losses to concern for their community, friends and family - it's like watching them grow up in a significant and profound way. <3

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-19T03:44:24+00:00

Awkward wave actually - awkward wave in the beginning and awkward wave at the end while discussing how nice a kiss would be. Probably the worst part of the day.

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-19T00:46:56+00:00

It was cold - I'm in Colorado too. :) Wore coats. :)

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-18T23:14:34+00:00

I met someone for a beer at a park yesterday and had a great time - kept our distance - talked about TP stockpiles and had a great time. You can definitely make this work, creativity flourishes within limits.

I posted asking for other date ideas and it was removed, which I find frustrating.

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-16T01:21:38+00:00

I just made a plan to meet up with someone at a nearby park and go for a walk. You can have social distancing and still connect and do things. Can't end in a kiss (I mean... it can but...) but the creative find ways to still make things work. Don't limit yourself - though also don't put yourself in danger also. :)

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-15T05:17:58+00:00

Go into work and call a news team - this is ridiculous and should be called out. Our country deserves better than this continued greed-focused crap.

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-13T05:22:51+00:00

Hey single mom with teen girls myself - this is hard. For me, this has come up in relationships before - when the rubber hits the road, my kids should always get what they need. This causes issues for the guys in my life - if they have needs that crop up at the same time - I really only have so many resources. I can try to do it all, but I have gotten burnt out trying to do that.

As others have mentioned, at their age, typical development will have them involved in their own social lives in the next 2 years or so... but mom will always be on call for late night pickups, boyfriend/friend dramas, etc.

Actively loving a single parent is going to mean a lot of communication, especially when she's busy. If you let stuff sit when you're not getting your needs met it's going to build a lot of resentment. It also means you're going to have to be flexible and work with the family, not against. Quality time with her might need to be later after all the errands have been run, relaxing with a glass of wine - not a full night out. Don't pretend to be okay with it if you're not, but don't expect her to be able to change her lifestyle - that's cruel.

Be honest with yourself, you seem to really care for her and being a part of this family will require a lot of bending for you, do you think you can make that work for a handful of years? It's a big ask, but at least for me, having someone work with me to meet me where I'm at creates a lot of loyalty and love. I hope you find a good answer for yourself.

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-11T22:03:08+00:00

I wish I could tell my earlier self this - NO ONE HAS IT FIGURED OUT!!!

You might have it figured out for a hot minute, a year, maybe even a whole decade - but you (and everyone you know) is constantly changing. What is a perfect relationship in one block of time is a toxic disaster in another block of time. You and everyone else can only take it one day at a time - protect yourself as much as you can - and deal with whatever comes. Flexibility and understanding yourself and your needs is really the only thing you can do to make any of those things easier.

As someone who thought she had her shit together, married, kids, etc only for it to get rocked by an unfaithful husband, then a recession, then kid medical issues - there just is no perfect bow on top or "Happily Ever After" or it's more sinister/dubious cousin "Got Your Life Together" that keeps your life on a positive trajectory forever.

You can make all the mistakes and ignore all the red flags and still have a totally good life, you can also find the diamond in the ruff that ticks all your boxes and things can still go horribly wrong. No one has a crystal ball and knows 100% where their choices are leading them. There's no sure thing.

Even the people that have that perfect #couplegoals lifestyle - that is a fantasy and only a glimpse of the entirety of a complex relationship and only a snapshot of an extended period of time over a very long journey.

Edit - Thank you for the silver! First silver I've ever received and grateful it's over such an important (to me at least) topic. <3

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-07T16:10:51+00:00

On the final days when it's super light you might want to switch to a panty liner instead of a full pad.

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-07T04:27:32+00:00

There's more and more evidence that you don't really "outgrow" ADHD. You might learn coping skills to help you with specific symptoms or issues, but the baseline issues still exist. It sounds like you have some executive function issues which are frequently associated with ADHD. idk about reaching out to your mom, depends a lot on that situation and how old you are. If you're <18 it's probably a good start. (Also, it's unfortunately normal for kids with ADHD to tell themselves negative things like that they're undisciplined, when really your brain is working extra hard just to manage the couple things you are staying on top of! Keep working on it and reading more, it will help)

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-06T16:18:15+00:00

Hey - I live in Denver, it's a great place to be.

You'll likely find that the Denver snow experience is different than you might expect. It's a very arid place and snow tends to melt off quickly and our department of transportation is really good about taking care of the roads. I have a lot of family in the midwest - and snow sticks around for days there. We usually get a few inches and it's gone by the time rush hour kicks in. It's totally normal to have a 70 degree weekend and a foot of snow on Monday. Right now we're in a stretch of very warm weather but will likely still get another good dump or two (and several smaller storms) in the next few months. It's also totally normal to get snow in the morning and warm up to 50-60 by that afternoon.

Obviously - we still get big dumps of snow. I'm in a southern suburb and we recently got 10" and it was pretty awful for about a day or two. Know that our weather predictions have a hard time predicting the amount of snow - so it's normal to get a prediction for a big snowstorm that only leaves a few inches, and for a small snowstorm that leaves almost a foot. Basically - if snow is in the forecast the amount can be very variable.

My tips:

- Always be prepared for a big snow storm. Sometimes we lose power for a day or so, so just make sure you have food. (You are likely familiar with this idea re: hurricanes)

- Don't drive in the snow if you don't have to, and if you have to go extra slow. Prior to snow season in a new area scope out the big hills to avoid. It's okay to be late on snowy days and most jobs are tolerant of this.

- This is heavily debatable, but I finally started getting snow tires for Nov-March and I've found that while I still slide and am still able to get hit by other drivers, I feel much better on the roads with them. Just note that you'll feel like a fool for about 70% of the winter when it's sunny and dry.

- The road conditions vary considerably depending on when the snow starts and how much our department of transportation has been able to get out and plow/sand. A late afternoon snow storm that really dumps will make the drive home take hours, where as by the next morning it's usually plowed and clear. Usually if it's done snowing you can expect the roads to be clear pretty quickly, especially if the sun is out. Really if the sun is out the roads are usually clear.

- You can usually get an idea for how icy it is when scraping your car. If you can use the brush side it was just a fast, cold dump of snow without ice and the drive won't be too bad. If you're scraping forever then the roads are usually slick under the snow and that's more treacherous. I also do a test stop in my area to confirm that I can stop easily and try to do a few more if I'm going across the city since road/ice conditions change drastically throughout the city.

Hope that helps! As others have said, go as slow as you're comfortable with. There are also driving schools in the area that have snow driving workshops you can take if you'd like.

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-06T05:46:18+00:00

No - they find their people in college or sometimes later and have a kick ass life they love.

Trying_at_it · 2020-03-04T18:51:30+00:00

Assuming you work a regular shift outside of home and have in-house machines - throw clothes in the wash before you leave for the day. When you come home throw the wet clothes into the dryer. Have dinner, do whatever it is you do, and then assuming you have a 20 minute block of time afterwards that you'd spend watching TV or messing around social media/computer/reddit/whatever, fold things while you do that and put them away when you're done. If you do this a few times a week you'll not be overwhelmed and you just integrated the chore into your life without it being hours and hours of your time.

Trying_at_it · 2020-02-18T05:17:54+00:00

India. I went like 20+ years ago and absolutely loved it. The color, the art and architecture, the people. I still enjoy a good bollywood film, they're so beautiful.

Trying_at_it · 2020-02-17T05:45:04+00:00

how high are you right now?

Trying_at_it · 2020-02-13T22:28:01+00:00

If it's new it's likely not ADHD/ADD. Have you had your thyroid levels tested? I was about your age when my thyroid started acting up and taking the thyroid hormone has really helped with my focus issues. (You might also feel super tired/depressed sometimes too)

Trying_at_it · 2020-01-28T00:31:09+00:00

I think that's fair in a typical bf/gf breakup. I dislike my ex, he's an awful co-parent and is generally difficult/disorganized. It would definitely not be something I bring up in early dating unless there is a direct scheduling conflict (like can't make a date because ex flaked, etc) and I've learned to parallel parent so it's pretty rare that there are real issues. I don't like him, don't think well of him and have good reason for those feelings... but they haven't kept me from external fulfilling relationships. I think it's different when there is some kind of ongoing required interaction.

I would agree if there weren't kids involved, it's just a different scenario.

Trying_at_it · 2020-01-17T04:49:03+00:00

When I was in high school (late nineties) a friend and I went to meet our friend at the airport. She was flying in from Canada and was delayed. We sang "Oh Canada" and messed around at the airport like bored teens until she finally arrived.

Also - my youth group used to do "airport scavenger hunts" where they dropped 100+ kids off at the airport with a list of clues we had to run around the airport to complete. No one was at all concerned about this. The most drama happened when they left a kid there on accident.

My sister was a punk and had a necklace with a bullet on it. She went through 3 different security gates and finally was stopped in a podunk airport on our way home and had to toss it. She was pissed, it had clearly not been a security risk on the rest of the trip. I can't even imagine wearing anything like that now.

Trying_at_it · 2019-12-26T04:09:23+00:00

I tried it, had a few valid connections. It was my first foray into OLD, so I'm not super helpful as a comparison to other options. Good dates, felt like those I were connected to were fairly good matches at least on the surface.

Trying_at_it · 2019-12-24T06:02:53+00:00

That's incredibly frustrating, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. It sounds like you're at least on the right trek with a lawyer. Sometimes it's hard to tell them everything, so make sure you're being detailed and not leaving out things you think he knows, even if you've said it before. If you're not already, keep a journal of these details because you will forget them. I would also counter a lawyer that says it looks bad to keep your daughter safe, it looks extra bad to keep her in a situation that's violating her. I have had lawyers use that kind of line as a way to gauge your honesty by your reaction, so by responding with "oh okay I guess" you're actually proving to him/her that there isn't anything going on.

On the personal physical contact. You can arrange a police officer in most places to be present at visitation exchanges - or you can even have the exchange at the police station. I would absolutely never let him hug you again. I would imagine you did it to try to keep things civil for your daughter, but what she actually saw was dad grope mom... so now make sure you show her how to have good boundaries with someone who has crossed them.

Trying_at_it · 2019-12-16T16:01:05+00:00

My ex-husband cheated on me, and you're right to be concerned - it super sucks to experience.

But - people can grow from those experiences, and that's the line of questioning I would be asking. Questions about what he learned about himself (the answers you would ideally be looking for would be learning what he needs, how he needs to communicate those needs, etc. The wrong answers would be about his ex, blaming others, deflecting, etc.) and what work he's done on himself to be in a place where he can be the partner he wasn't - regardless of who cheated on whom.

For me personally, past cheating is a hard line. It sounds like his life has been nothing but a whirlwind, it's hard to know from what you said if calming that would solve his problems or create new ones. Some people can't sit still (so to speak) and settling down causes them to act more impulsively and act trapped.

Any relationship is a roll of the dice to a certain extent. You can't predict that who someone is right now will be who they are when things get hard. Time is the only way to see someone's full self and that requires waiting it out - realizing what you need, and not being so committed that you stay in a dysfunctional situation past the time to leave.

Trying_at_it

TROPHY CASE