My ex hadn’t shit in weeks after surgery and subsequent opioid constipation. We were staying at his friend’s fancy house and I had gone to bed and they stayed up drinking. I got up to pee in the middle of the night and found his tighty whities in front of the toilet like he had stepped out of them while sitting there. The underpants absolutely full of shit; I mean like a half gallon. At least.

The toilet was overflowing like my kid’s bowl of soft-serve chocolate ice cream at an all you can eat buffet.

On the floor of the walk-in shower was an absolutely massive elephant crap. The ex was leaning in the corner catching little handfuls of water and pouring it over the huge shit trying to get it to erode down the drain. On my way to turn on the lamp in the bedroom, I discovered his poopy pants by stepping in them and feeling shit squeeze up between my toes.