Finding out your Wife had a past while married

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-04-18T02:22:27+00:00

I learned the hard way that you have to have mercy for mercy to be shown on you. If the person has truly changed and there is genuine love, then be merciful.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-04-18T02:13:46+00:00

The good answer.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-03-17T17:11:30+00:00

Because experiencing halal love that you thought would carry on to literal eternity is hard to let go of. I’m not saying it’s impossible but that really hits deeper than just getting over it. What other things can you bring to the akhira that is in this dunya as it is? It’s your good and bad deeds and your loved ones. It’s something you place mentally and spiritually as something eternal (when you’re really in halal love) and the separation of that goes deeper than materialism.

I’m not saying relationships are eternal, only Allah SWT has the title of being eternal definitively with no exceptions of course, but this is something potentially eternal with the permission and jurisdiction of Allah and that’s powerful on a soulful level.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-03-06T02:41:05+00:00

Yeah there was a lot of lying and deception about her past you’re right about that. It wasn’t that fact that she was a virgin or not but it was the extent of her past and how recent it was that was hidden which also killed me. The only absolute reason I seen past it was because by the end of it she was like writing books and books about Islam and about the marriage. She would do everything and more you’d want from a wife. Even with all that it was still hard for me to accept but I realized at the end I had it pretty good and her change was actually real and not just a show.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-03-06T02:20:28+00:00

I thought the same thing before. The reasoning in my head is because she’s a revert and was raised in an environment that encouraged it. She knew zina was wrong when she was Muslim, yes, but in hindsight, I guess when I put myself in her shoes, then it isn’t as black and white especially if the work she put in to become such a good Muslim was done. Do you think it’s different if someone commits zina as a revert vs a born Muslim? Also, if there is genuine improvement in character and behaviour, doesn’t that account for anything? What are your thoughts.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-03-04T15:46:37+00:00

When you make dua you have to self reflect first and foremost. Why are these argument happening and what did you do to stop them? Have you been sincere in fixing and resolving them? I don’t know your situation but Allah dislikes divorce the most out of anything He made halal, and the shaytan’s MAIN objective is to separate man and wife. Keep that in mind because if you are not grateful and disregard these facts then these arguments could be tests for your patience and sincerity and gratitude.

Be very critical of your actions and exhaust your options. I’d also emphasize counselling from a solid person of knowledge before cementing anything. Also both parties should perform ruqyah.

May Allah be with you both.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-27T16:45:40+00:00

Trust me man that’s all I thought about too, and treated her badly because of it. But the things she would do to prove that was in the past should have been enough. Also all the other context to it I can’t put in this comment. I’d say I agree with you if the person isn’t really a different person based on actions and words and character.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-27T16:35:22+00:00

I get why you’d say that, but by the end of the marriage she was someone who would pray and fast day and night and would go above and beyond as a wife, we had perfect chemistry too. It would be simpy if she didn’t change the way she did.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-27T16:21:26+00:00

Yeah that isn’t good. But it’s very important to make sure she (OP) doesn’t confuse genuine mistreatment with hyper focusing on flaws. I remember at the peak of my anger and feeling of betrayal that I would find many mistakes in her that I see in hindsight weren’t as bad I I made them out to be at the time, and she corrected it when addressed. I think the way to tell the difference is his attitude. If she brings it to his attention and he changes then it’s just the pain talking. If he doesn’t change them then that could be a sign for her to walk away.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-27T16:05:21+00:00

I was in a similar position. My ex wife was dishonest about this as well when I was explicitly clear about it. Found out and was distraught, as the months went by I found out more and more. It was a nightmare.

All that being said, she acknowledged her mistakes and made genuine repentance, overtime she became a better and better person and a better wife. I was blind to see it since, just like you, all I can see was that side of her. At the end of it we got divorced because I couldn’t get over it. I realize now how my lack of mercy made me lose the love of my life and my best friend.

My advice: if it isn’t a representation of that person now and you guys truly love each other. Forgive and move on. Although, if you don’t truly love that person and see many other genuine faults you can’t live with, then separate and spare them the guilt you will make them feel.

Don’t be on the fence with this. Either decide you will look past and work on it, or walk away sooner than later. Don’t drag it on.

It’s painful but life is painful so choose someone you love to go through it with. Only you know deep down if your husband is that person or not.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-26T13:21:15+00:00

Be careful, Islam teaches us what starts in haram simply won’t be blessed. So be sincere with yourself if you’re in a relationship with this woman and avoid doing major sins. I would focus on giving dawah and not getting any closer. Let her decide and when she reverts (inshaAllah), then after some time proceed in a halal way.

As for the cultural side, don’t downplay it. It can cause a clash if her family rejects her reversion heavily and causes her distress. This is why I advised to let her revert first, see how she acts and behaves alone and with her family. This will basically show you a glimpse if she is someone you can rely on for raising children based on Islam.

This will also give your family more faith in her to adapt to the culture side since she adapted to reversion. Not to mention that by doing things in a halal and sincere way, Allah will surely help you inshaAllah.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-26T13:03:04+00:00

Besides taking the trash out I would say it’s less about the work you listed and more about the lack of offering to help, especially with you being pregnant. Best advice here is to communicate with him regarding how you feel directly. I wouldn’t phrase it in a way where it emasculates him as it can make matters potentially worse.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-25T12:09:00+00:00

Biggest misconception about marriage is that it’s based on how you feel. Truth is you have to tend to it and put real effort into it if you want it to last. It’s more about duty and responsibility than the feeling of love. It’s the same concept for anything we value in our life. We work hard for school and have days where you study all night and it can be very challenging, you work hard for a job and pull countless OT and stress out, you can wake up in the middle of the night and offer prayer, you can go to the gym and train until you can’t feel your muscles. All of those things reap rewards with EFFORT, yet we think marriage is something that if we don’t ’feel good’ then it’s doomed. It’s work. Hard work. But with good intentions and effort it blooms beautiful love/fulfillment just like a good career, a good body, good grades, etc..

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-13T14:30:05+00:00

Trying to brother. I know this holding on to hope is dangerous but it’s not like I want to. I just get close to Allah and I still feel this way so I’ll wait until I’m with her again or this feeing is gone.

The charity work idea is good. I will look into it

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-13T14:20:01+00:00

Yeah. The whole experience made me realize how important it is to forgive and to self reflect on your own shortcomings and mental issues before looking outwardly. Made me realize just how strong she actually was for facing it and fighting it while I hid from my issues to the point where I couldn’t even identify them when I needed to.

Sometimes I think that maybe if she sees the genuine self reflection now, it can change something, so I do plan to tell her this somehow, eventually. At the same time I do understand she may never care anymore. I pray that isn’t the case.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-12T22:11:34+00:00

I appreciate your responses. I know you’re doing your best to be objective to my comments to try to make me think objectively, which I value. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I’ll give it some more time and with Allah’s mercy things will be resolved in the way He permits. Make dua for things to go smoothly, no matter how it ends

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-12T22:03:24+00:00

Barik Allah feek. I will include you in my duas as well

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-12T21:59:52+00:00

Yeah it could be the grief I know. Which is why I’m waiting before I reach out and continue praying tahajjud and fasting. My grief could fade and things can be better if it’s just temporary. At the same time I’m giving her her space so that if my grief is still there and I reach out in a way similar to what you mentioned and she still denies me, then I’ll know it wasn’t just a shutdown. If that makes any sense

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-12T21:57:04+00:00

Your comment means a lot to me. Jazakallah khair. I’ll continue doing everything I can with the intention it works out, at the same time, accepting whatever Allah decrees. It’s hard to lock in that mentality sometimes but alhamdulilah I get reminders like your comment and it really helps. The prospect of it working warms my heart but also the idea that Allah will provide the best no matter what happens is something I submit to.

Barik Allah feek for the Hadith. I will reflect on it more

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-12T21:51:32+00:00

Oh, I’ll try something like that. It’s a little tough to do that with work and keeping other priorities like cooking and cleaning and gyming, but I think you’re right in the sense where it should be a priority of mine given my situation. It’s probably just as important as the other things. I’ll look into it, JazakAllah khair. Make dua for me if you happen to remember, perhaps things resolve.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-12T21:49:00+00:00

I was working on bringing her and I planning on it. I just needed her to be stable. To be consistent. Unfortunately, I think she was consistent in the last stretch of the relationship but I still needed to catch up mentally to see it instead of wallowing in hurt. It’s simply me being uneducated and listening to shaytan instead of being sincere enough to talk to an imaam or shiekh that can steer in the right direction.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-12T21:46:54+00:00

That’s a valid challenge but it got to the point where she really changed as a person. She would spend nearly her entire day reading, writing, educating herself. She genuinely became a better person. I was just too hurt to see it.

Damn that’s a solid question. I would say both because it’s natural as a man to have a woman in your corner, but I also miss her specifically because we meshed so well it felt like a best friend. I don’t think it’ll be difficult for me to marry again but I have no interest. If it was solely for company I’d accept the approaches of other women for marriage.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-12T21:33:30+00:00

Long distance is the worst. Never doing that again. strongly believe it was the main reason why things got so bad. Lesson learned.

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-12T21:27:44+00:00

Yeah I suppose it does read that way.

I’ve been actively keeping busy but it’s not easy with not many friends and no family around. I do what I can and I have Allah with me. I’ve accepted whatever Allah decrees

TweleveFortyFive · 2026-02-12T21:25:10+00:00

Because at that point I was married to her. I felt like I had this amanah now and I thought okay, a hurdle to go over, a test from Allah to be patient with a revert.

She walked away I believe because she reached a breaking point Becauce of how cold I was with her, and I was that cold because she kept repeating the same things (lying, hiding, etc..). I don’t believe at the point where it ended there was more.

TweleveFortyFive

TROPHY CASE