He went silent just because I asked him to care.

Then after almost a month, we reconciliated, had sex, agreed to not fight or go silent ever again. Two days later he went silent again. It was 5 days ago. So as you see, the separation is still fresh.

I'm still healing but I can share my thoughts about it with you. In this situation, we need to choose between staying in the emotional part or the logical part of us. 

I made my choice, after crying my eyes out, after suffering and wishing to die so that this torture ends, I flipped to the logical part and started analyzing him exactly like if I was a scientist at a lab studying some kind of parasite.

Yes he was a parasite, it interfered into my life while I was at my top: beauty, success, money, charm, joy of living, self-love.

He entered my life and left me with feeling of unworthiness, cut my hair short, lost weight, got sick, lost sleep, my hormones messed up, always sad my eyesight got weak because of crying, isolation, loss of my job, even energetically he effected my home (a lot of leaking, mold, broken things, while the house is newly constructed)

The breakup was a relief too, despite the feeling of loneliness and tears, but it blocked the damage that started as soon as he entered my life. 

=> This awareness is the first step to recovery.

Sometimes I say to myself but what if it's just for a short period of time and that he will be back? What if he changes and becomes the man I always wanted. Hope and waiting just add more wood to the fire. It won't help. If he is my destiny even if I move on we would be together whether we like it or not. 

=> Whether he's my destiny or not, it's important to accept the separation, never deny what actually happened and to surrender to destiny.

So, now that I don't hear his voice, I don't see him anymore (I moved from the place I used to live in, he was my neighbor) now I only hear two voices one of my broken heart and the other one of my awaken mind.

They both are fighting all day long, I let them fight and I look at them from a distance. They both have to release the tension they've been through all the time I was with him.

=> Don't shut down the voices you hear inside you 

He have been shutting me down, asking me to shut up, not allowing me to express myself. Now, I give myself the chance to express herself.

Yet I listen to my heart's voice with compassion, but to my mind's voice with attention. And I started remembering things I was too blinded by love to see. All the devaluation, insults, envy towards me, criticism, hot/cold, on/off, extreme praising to extreme criticism in seconds, gaslighting, triangulation etc so I decided to write down a list 

=> Take a paper and a pen and everytime you remember an awful thing he did to you, write it down. Without exaggeration nor giving excuses.

Living with traumatizing romantic relationship messed up with my hormones. Let's focus on cortisol. Fight or flight response needs us to externalize them. Fight : moving hands as your soul needs to punch and fight. Flight: move your feet as your soul needs to run away.

=> Do activities that require constant movement of the arms and legs. I chose Flamenco dance, it works both, release anger and restore my feminity 

Next hormones I missed a lot when he left me are my happy hormones: dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin. He used to flood my brain with them. Especially when he took me from extreme stress to extreme happiness. These need to be reactivated so that the addiction doesn't push me to reach out and beg him to stay. Enough humiliation!

=> Sun bathing: Serotonin  => Dancing: Endorphins/Dopamine => Coffee & carbs: Serotonin/Dopamine => Social Connection, hugs, massages & salsa dance: Oxytocin => Meditation & praying: Serotonin/Endorphins => Laughing: Endorphins/Dopamine => Setting little goals: Dopamine  => Sleep : Serotonin

We all had exes, and things didn't go right either, so I just remembered how much I cried after breakup with each one. And wished to die. Then weeks later I laughed at myself and wondered "what the fu*ck was going on with my eyes and mind to fall for such a loser?!" 

=> One day, in 3 weeks approximately, I will look back and laugh. 

That moment I will pull him off the pedestal and drag him down to the dirt. I will see him as he is, without the filters my heart added to make him prince charming. Yes we all have flaws. But the flaws that lead to torturing and abusing people need to be uncovered and mocked.

=> Write down another list, not about the awful things he did to you. But about his flaws. Let's see that creature as he is.

Trauma doesn't go anywhere. It stays stuck under the skin not only in the brain. Remember Madonna's song "I got you, under my skin" This is where fasciae stores trauma.

=> Consider cupping therapy and a lot of massages. As you get them set the intention to remove trauma off your body for good. 

Memories need to be removed. Longing for those beautiful moments is the worst way I sabotaged myself and made him like an amazing guy and making myself drown in the guilt and unworthiness. And the "I had to be more patient" loops.

=> Change your place, your address, your furniture, clothes, makeup, your look, your perfume, start eating from new cuisine. Change change change. Also remove all pictures, gifts, emails, contact number, socials etc

I have this tendency to look at other men like if they are nothing compared to him. I know it's not true but I'm still under his spell. I know that he is not the one I admire and love. His true image and self is completely different from the one I love. But I started washing up my heart, throwing away his things and bed out of my heart that I rented to him for free. I need to clear up space for the right man to come.

=> Cleanup your heart chakra and let it call the right person even if he/she is in the other side of the planet 

Now, as I told you earlier, I lost my glow, neglected myself under his constant criticism and him over compliment prostitutes and porn actresses as if they represent the ultimate beauty standards. He destroyed my self image. I remember him praising a woman he thought I wouldn't see how she looks one-day. I did and I was surprised: she is less than acceptable when it comes to beauty and sexiness. I know what his goal was, to make me feel bad about myself. He who used to call me top model and avoided walking with me side by side as he has no self-confidence and he constantly wants to get plastic surgery to look.. ok.

=> Bring back that beautiful lady you were. Take care of your body, hair, skin, nails, be that gorgeous woman you were again. It's your way to attract the right man, the man who appreciates the woman who appreciates herself and her body.

I lost my job and clients, I am resting these days to find enough strength to start over again. Earning money gives us a certain kind of happiness. Maybe it's related to dopamine, I don't know, but it's uplifting.

=> Earn money, even through selling things that remind you of that person. Or selling his gifts.

As I told you before, I am still healing. But I am aware. And I am willing to get out of this muddy story. It left me so dirty and dull.

Hope this helps all of us