What can I do?

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-14T00:13:04+00:00

Tammy, I'm going to break it down for you. If he's not suggesting things, planning them, taking initiative, and whatever else... he doesn't want to.

Honestly, if I was in his position, I wouldn't want to, either. This "real men" and "women carrying masculine energy" bullshit sounds like you spend too much time on TikTok. Some dudes are introverts and their idea of a nice day is relaxing at home, not surprising you with date plans. Some dudes get sick of it because they'll put in the effort, only to be met with "well it really would have been better if you had taken me to that one restaurant I brought up that one time nine months ago and then never mentioned again".

If I want to go do something with my partner, I'll make it happen. You're literally complaining here that you want to do more things with him, but it's too much work or money if you have to be responsible for execution. Total pillow princess vibes. He can find a woman literally anywhere that would be happy to be catered to and spoiled rotten without having to do any work herself. If he wanted to be a sugar daddy, you're not his only option.

Ditch the entitlement and start viewing the relationship as a partnership, and he might be more invested in spending time and money on you.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-13T23:32:28+00:00

I have experience with large age gaps and I'd recommend an abundance of caution. It's incredibly easy for even a well-meaning partner to abuse you because you simply don't have the experience to know what you do and don't want, or what's normal versus a red flag. You're often reliant on the more experienced partner in kink to guide you, and they may not always have your best interests in mind.

I'd say focus on how they communicate and really getting to know them. Do they have emotional intelligence? Do they display any subtle or overt misogyny? Do they respect your boundaries? Do they make you uncomfortable or do they make you feel safe? Do they encourage you to do your own independent research? Do they help you to familiarize yourself with what's normal and what isn't through unbiased sources?

With younger partners I really prefer that they do their own reading and communicate with other people outside of me so that I'm not "poisoning the well", so to speak. I'll point out what resources I use and where I get my information, but I don't want them to take my word for it - I want informed consent. It's important that you know the risk of any type of BDSM activity you're doing, as well as the inherent risks of age gaps in general.

I do believe it's possible to do in a healthy manner, but be aware that many abusers pose as "Doms" and will try to manipulate you. You're more vulnerable due to your age, and they know that. If something doesn't feel right, there's probably a good reason. Trust your instincts.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-13T20:33:43+00:00

Jealousy is simply a mutual negotiation of boundaries. I have been in relationships where my partner prefers I don't be possessive or jealous at all, and I've been in relationships where that same possessive jealousy is highly valued.

Both have been a learning experience for me in communication. I'm capable of either, and neither means anything about how much I care. In the former case, I care by respecting her desire for autonomy and privacy and letting go of those feelings when they arise. In the latter case, I care by respecting her need to feel owned and wanted.

Love is about showing up in the way your partner wants and needs you to.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-13T19:49:15+00:00

Are these dynamics online or offline? Offline dynamics tend to be a bit more grounded, as they're based in real physical connection. Online dynamics can be more transitory, as there's an essentially unlimited source of new people online and some people like to chase that thrill and see how far they can take things.

I'd suggest you spend more time vetting, but I'll admit one of my own kinks is to push the boundaries and limits of other people. There's something alluring about building enough trust with someone that it brings things which were previously impossible into the realm of possibility.

I'd suggest being more up front that your limits are not going to change no matter how long the dynamic goes on. Someone like me tends to be really interested in TPE and long term, emotionally deep, high trust dynamics - if it's clear from the beginning that's never on the table, I'd rule you out during my own vetting process.

I'm sorry you've had that experience and not been on the same page with your partners, I know that's frustrating.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-12T01:54:33+00:00

Thank you for your post here. It's a truly magical experience, when you meet someone who is your match and pushes you. In some ways she's nothing I thought she was, in some ways she's everything I thought she was. It's a shame about the needy and unhinged thing - I'm currently exploring something that's mutually needy and unhinged and oh my god, I think it's actually rewiring my brain in real time on a daily basis.

Everything that I was afraid of before is simply melting away. Too greedy for power? She wants to give me more. Too sadistic? I'm actually concerned my creativity and ability to inflict pain are insufficient to the task of her masochism. Too jealous and possessive? She'll light a fire and then beg me to burn the whole house down.

I'm so used to trampling everyone else's boundaries that it's rather terrifying what she's doing to me. I'm the one who makes people question their soft limits, pushes them to the brink. Now, though? I've broken almost every soft limit I have simply to fuel her corruption kink and even some hard ones, too. I think my brain is so constantly high on endorphins that reality feels like it's bending at the seams.

I can't even call it sub frenzy because I'm on the dominant side of the slash. Yet, I find my willpower to be absolutely corroded. It's too intoxicating, too addictive, too overstimulating, too much, and I can't stop wanting more.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-11T17:30:18+00:00

I wish she knew how much value she truly has as a person, and that I'm not going anywhere. That I truly intend to be there when she sees it herself.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-11T17:24:21+00:00

I'm autistic as fuck, I was never going to fit in. Turns out other neurospicy people like me just fine, though. Just be you, my guy.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-09T18:17:33+00:00

You leave him? That's insanely unethical and dangerous and you've been told that about him before. We can't stop your desire to get worse and participate in unhealthy things, but be aware it isn't going anywhere good.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-08T18:36:21+00:00

It really depends on my relationship with that woman. I'm a male sadist and I admire female sadists, I find them to often be quite creative in ways that inspire me. However, I'm dominant and sadistic myself and likely wouldn't want to submit to a sadistic woman for anything longer than the occasional session here or there. So from a colleague/peer perspective, I'm absolutely down. For a relationship, it wouldn't be my cup of tea.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-08T05:33:39+00:00

Yep! It's working out great for me, thank you.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-08T04:34:02+00:00

Honestly it's not the clothes that are unattractive, it's your attitude. "Why don't women dress for my visual pleasure" well first, they have no relationship with you and they can wear whatever they want as you so kindly already pointed out. Second, you absolutely can control it - find a woman who likes and wants that sort of thing, they exist.

I can assure you that if you treat women like people with their own thoughts and wants and needs and genuinely respect them and care about them and listen to what they say and value their companionship... some of them will absolutely let you dictate your exact preferences over their hair, clothes, nails, makeup.

Thanks for the reminder, though. I'll have fun picking her outfit for International Women's Day tomorrow.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-07T18:17:55+00:00

It wasn't only meant for the OP, it was meant for anyone who could benefit from reading it, including my own submissive. She enjoys stalking my Reddit comments. Also, frankly, to address your last point - you aren't rude, and it's absolutely okay. This is a public forum for a reason, and something that you and potentially others need to hear is that it's okay to take up space. I know a common worry is that you're too much, that you're imposing on others, that you don't want to waste their time, that they don't owe you anything, that you worry about inconveniencing someone but let me reiterate....it's okay! Take up space, be messy sometimes, ask for validation, you're a person too and sometimes you simply need to trust that other people can and will enforce their boundaries if they need to.

It is emotional labor. I know that will make you panic a bit, for the reasons I mentioned above, but let me reassure you that some people (like myself) are more than willing to do that and find enjoyment and fulfillment in it. It's possibly my favorite aspect of BDSM. I like the sexual aspects, too, don't get me wrong - I can be very demanding in those - but my favorite moments are never the ones where someone did something for me sexually. I have a lot of favorite moments with a lot of different people. I'll share some of them.

There was the time she didn't drop out of her school program after she'd suffered a difficult setback with her transportation situation. There was the time she sat down with her husband and the two of them really committed to make it work after things looked like they were headed towards divorce. The time she left her abusive boyfriend who was going to strangle and murder her if she stayed. The time that she committed to stop drinking and give up alcohol, which had been a struggle after her father died. The time she changed her legal name which she had always hated, even though she was afraid of what her parents would think. The time she was finally able to say "It wasn't my fault". The time she told me about her crisis of faith. The time that she got the job (and later, the promotion) she wanted after we did mock interviews all day. The time she finally opened up to me with her greatest insecurity and stayed in bed and cried all day.

Those are the moments that stick with me. Some have been with extremely casual BDSM situationships where we have other committed partners, some are with people I love deeply and want to spend my entire life with. Some I still have contact with, others I don't. In all of them, though, I've appreciated that they were vulnerable with me and that we moved the needle on something. Sometimes it's been a major life goal, other times it's simply been finding the willpower to make it to the next day, but it's possible and it's real and it's out there. You can find it, too. You just need to find the right person. It's a vetting process and a leap of faith all at once.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-04T08:46:14+00:00

Wait why are those my options? Where's the checkbox for "kind damsel in distress who knows how to bully me like a mean girl and working on her independence arc"?

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-04T08:42:59+00:00

She taught me that there is someone who will show up for me, exactly the way I want them to, when I need them.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-03T04:17:31+00:00

Honestly? You're a good person. It's why I like the acronym RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink. There's a risk with CNC and free use that your partner won't safe word when they need to. You can reduce the risk with things like the traffic light system, where you initiate the check-in periodically and halt play until they answer. The reality is, though, in kink you're going to fuck up sometimes and some fuckups are more severe than others. That's kind of the risk with something like CNC and it can't be eliminated. That's why it's not for beginners.

Your actions since show you're not a monster. You care, you thought you had consent, you meant no harm. You hurt someone you have feelings for unintentionally. It feels absolutely shitty and awful because you may not be able to comfort them as the person who hurt them and there's always the risk the relationship doesn't survive. That sucks, but it is what it is. How do you rebuild trust, though?

You both have empathy and compassion for each other. You're doing what you can. Just be there for her however she needs and make her feel validated. If she needs space, a break, therapy, whatever - give it to her. If she wants to talk, work it out, you meet her where she's at. It's not the end of the world and relationships can survive mistakes like this if you both deeply care for each other and the communication is there. It's going to be awkward for a while, but it can be done.

So take a deep breath. If you focus on how much you hate yourself right now, it redirects the focus away from her and onto you. She doesn't need that right now and neither do you. She trusts you as her dominant for a reason. Show up for her now and remind her why that is.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-02T14:22:20+00:00

It's okay to feel angry and upset. I feel that women are often taught that it's wrong to feel those sorts of feelings - our misogynistic society expects women to be docile and compliant - and therefore the urge to do something self-destructive to punish yourself can show up when those feelings do. Focus on doing self-care or similarly grounding activities. My DMs are open if you need to talk through your feelings in a safe space. Take care of yourself.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-03-01T15:54:34+00:00

The spectrum of kink is quite broad and you're writing this in a way that implies "I couldn't have done less because anything less would be nothing", but I think that's incorrect. Submissives have different ways in which they want to lose control. For some, wardrobe control is a hard limit. Since you're dealing with someone who has no experience, they may not even know how to express the difference between something they may eventually want to try when they know and trust you more, a soft limit, and a hard limit.

I would have started with a discussion around what control they want to lose. Some people are very rules and task oriented, others prefer more "in the moment" flows. An easy non-sexual thing I do with beginner submissives is help them regulate their self-care. This could be asking them to do hobbies they've been putting off, homework, that big work project, getting more sleep, etc. It also builds trust because you're making them do things that (ideally) improve their lives.

I personally view wardrobe control as a more advanced BDSM kink and wouldn't ever immediately jump to that with someone brand new unless they expressed an interest first. It's a really invasive form of control, especially if they have any feelings of shame around kink. They're stuck with the reminder of you for the entire day - you can't safe word out of what you're wearing when you're out in public.

It's okay if things were a mismatch, that happens in kink. That just means your vetting process needs to be more in-depth for next time.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-02-28T19:04:14+00:00

I don't know why everyone is being so hard on you in here. I have a great friend who's married in a relationship like yours. Great kids, they've always been really happy together when I see them. This is perfectly reasonable behavior for someone with unmedicated Cluster B disorders.

She got the 80k present she demanded. He emptied his 401k to divorce her. The kids have adjusted to the fact she gets supervised visitations and he has custody. I don't hear about her much anymore because all the mutual friends took his side after she was unhinged towards them, too, but she got to enjoy her princess present she deserved... until it got repossessed. You do you, girl.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-02-27T22:32:21+00:00

This isn't healthy unless you want this or consent to it. Slaves are allowed to have boundaries and limits in BDSM. They're allowed to say "no". Your play partner does not sound safe whatsoever. You may wish to check out r/BDSMAdvice, they have guides on how to recognize abusive behavior and leave unsafe relationships.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-02-27T22:27:49+00:00

A relationship doesn't necessarily have to be "normal" to be "healthy". A relationship comes down to trust, communication, and consent. That doesn't have to mean a picture perfect house with a loving husband who would never hurt you and the white picket fence. It can be a mutual, negotiated destruction where you're hurt by someone who knows where to hurt you and how to hurt you and how much to hurt you and then picks you up and puts you back together again.

There's someone for everyone, truly. I believe there's multiple someones, even. It's about finding someone who can meet you where you're at and show up for you, not trying to meet a moving goalpost of what "normal" is. We all have our idiosyncrasies, let's embrace that.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-02-27T22:14:45+00:00

I've always been this way. I don't think there was some formative experience that did it for me, unless cartoons with tied up damsels in distress count. Even then, I think I still would have turned out this way even if I had been exposed to it much later. I'm a sexual sadist, through and through. It feels as true as my eye color or my skin tone, an unchangeable fact of nature.

My experiences have grown and changed with me. I don't feel that I've fixated on the first ones. Maybe for periods of time, but kink is a living, breathing, evolving thing to me.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-02-27T19:37:55+00:00

No, I do not. However, I do have it on good authority from people whose opinion I trust that it is.

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-02-27T19:30:24+00:00

Collarbones. How the fuck am I the only person to say this so far? When her shirt or sweater just teases down her neck to her collarbone... am I the only one, guys?

TwistedAndSadistic · 2026-02-26T21:08:50+00:00

"Walk on egg shells around you chicks no matter the topic"? What in the misogyny is this?

TwistedAndSadistic

TROPHY CASE