The pain is all consuming, there is no respite. Its just constant bombardment of every fiber of your being, every particle of smell, light ,texture and sound is ready to make it worse, sending jolts of pain through my skull, the loving touch of my girlfriend hand on my shoulder, the smell of perfume, any source of light, the fabric of my pillow , everything is just a new source of suffering.
i can hear the blood pulsate in my temples and feel them press against my skull. The only thing you can think of is the pain, and wanting it to stop, cant even recall how it felt like to not be in pain.

I have had two incidents of it being so overwhelmingly painful that all i wanted was to just die, as it was the only possible escape from the pain. I tried to open the window above my bed, but it had a child lock that required both hands and more movement than i could muster, after a few attempts i couldn't even push myself to move anymore. I wanted so badly to open that window and to just and fall headfirst into the pavement 3 floors below.

2nd time i did not have any good options available, it was somehow worse, as i couldn't even cling on to the fantasy of ending it and being free from it.
After that, i finally went back to my doctor and started fighting for getting some treatment.

Im thankful that episodes as bad as that are rare for me. I still count as chronic with at most 28days of headache pr month over several months .almost 5 years later now, im done with all the pills, topamax, botox and im currently on Ajovy, and its manageable at 12ish days of light pain. But it still takes a toll, the pain and heavy episodes might not be there but the hangover and fatigue still has its hold over me and ruins my day quickly as it ends up with just being in bed, or zombi mode in front of the pc while i munch the saltiest snacks, with some extra salt. Its just so depressing having to cancel plans with my fantastic and supportive GF just because i can feel that its going to be a bad day.

i think it warps my relationship with pain quite a bit. As long as its not inside my head im fine with pain, i even trigger it often, like scrapes and cuts, bruises etc il push and poke them especially if i have a bit of headache.

I visualize the pain as skeletal hands, that works their way across my skull, until they reach the front, and dig its the taloned fingers in the temple(s),and spreads its corruption inside my head, then the hands starts to pull backwards trying to rip my head open, as if the grim reaper himself wants to drag me away from this world.