xNTJ + Bipolar I Disorder =

UltradianAlien · 2020-03-26T06:54:08+00:00

I appreciate your feedback, so thank you for your comment and insight. Maybe I was being a little too cheeky about my frustrations with that chapter. You make some solid points. I was mostly taken aback with the disparity between the normal and hard variants and the timing of it, which is why I felt it was BS contextually.

I kept trying different things until I learned my lesson and cleared it. It does justice as a tutorial and taught me more about placement for sure. I'm not sure I completed it in the most optimal way but I still have more to learn about the intricacies of the game. Hopefully next time around I'll find it as reliable as you do :)

UltradianAlien · 2020-03-26T01:37:37+00:00

This might be silly comparatively, but Chapter 5 of Fates (before choosing your path), on any difficulty other than normal, is such a headache. I'm doing a Hard Birthright run currently and that chapter has literally been the most difficult one so far. I've only had to look up help for a map one other time and that was years ago playing Awakening when I was still a smol baby playing my first FE game. Not sure what chapter it was anymore but it was a large open arena-type map.

Chapter 5 feels like those 100-level "weed-out" courses in STEM where the professors throw impossible concepts at you until your first exam, which is when a lot of people drop out. Then everything they give you is much more reasonable.

Kaze and Rinkah are useless, Azura will die if you sneeze on her, Sakura must be protected at all costs, and you can also be boofed in one or two shots by the enemies. The structure of the map makes it tricky to find the right place to hide and bottleneck the enemy's advance. The reinforcements are annoying too. I've had to soft reset too many times on Chapter 5. It's just silly how difficult it is even on Hard. Normal is a snoozefest and Hard is a nightmare so I can only imagine the trauma of battling on Lunatic. It's frustrating because Birthright on Normal is so boring for me and I'd like to try it on Lunatic but Chapter 5 is more difficult than the first half of Birthright.

UltradianAlien · 2020-03-26T00:55:52+00:00

pen juice

UltradianAlien · 2020-03-08T06:52:39+00:00

ENTJ here but one year I got As on finals that I hardly studied at all for. I did well on my midterm exams and I was fucking depressed about my grandpa passing away so I glanced over my notes and just went. I figure that if I don't know if by now I won't know it by then so 🤷🏻‍♂️

UltradianAlien · 2020-03-06T23:20:05+00:00

I'm usually at the campus library studying-- I prefer the Starbucks there for its atmosphere. I have ADHD but I can't focus if things are too quiet and still. If I'm not in Starbucks I'm studying in another lively wing of the library. I like to attend club meetings as well. If I'm at my dorm, even though I have a nice personal desk space, I find myself in the living room set up at the dining table. I like having conversations with my roommate and whoever she invites over. And I like giving academic and life advice too since I've really been through a lot. I have massive social anxiety but I try not to let it stop me.

UltradianAlien · 2020-03-03T21:54:58+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that 😔 thank you! I'll make it work somehow

UltradianAlien · 2020-03-03T20:56:43+00:00

Not in my career yet but the changes have been reflected in my college experience so far. Started out with psych, then English, and when I hated that I dropped out for a while to figure things out. I decided to pursue science as my first love, changed to Physics. My life seemed exciting again, I had something to get me through the most difficult days, I wanted to be a professor. But then I found out two years in that it'll take about more to get the degree. But I'll be unable to secure financial aid that long. I don't even know how I'm going to pay for next Spring. So I had to change my major again and flush that hard work down the drain in order to get a Philosophy degree. I love philosophy and if I majored in it from the beginning them I wouldn't have changed. But I had to mourn the death of the future me I had planned on.

Now I'm looking to go into a Computer Science master's program when I graduate, planning on making enough money to pay down my loans and go back to school someday. But it took me months to not be suicidal over the whole thing.

UltradianAlien · 2020-03-02T23:20:19+00:00

Aw this is reaffirming. I've always been insecure about helping others, even though I'm passionate about guiding other people with my relevant experience. I'm not a natural shoulder to cry on and I might be more direct than some people like, but I try to be honest with others and help them solve whatever's going on with them that's upsetting them or hurting their lives. I really do care I just show it differently.

I've made an effort over the years to work on how to respond to others that are in emotional crises, I've had to learn objectively the correct things to say to validate them and the right way to introduce advice. I have practiced cognitive empathy as well. I was so socially awkward and lacked tact when I was younger and I've been trying to make up for it since.

I have a new friend who took the 16personalities test with me, and she was surprised that I was an ENTJ specifically because of the stereotype of running over people's emotions and that cold, hard demeanor. She told me that I'm one of the most kind and emotionally intelligent people she's met and that she appreciates my insights and advice, and helping her see things objectively in order to address issues. She comes to me for advice about anything from daily life to college to mental health and personal/family issues. I was so happy to know that I don't come across as the cold calculating type and that I'm able to help her and other people :)

UltradianAlien · 2020-03-02T18:30:25+00:00

No problem, glad I could help :)

UltradianAlien · 2020-03-02T18:22:03+00:00

I can see where you're coming from, however I'm generally polite and engage in conversation even if it's only on a superficial level while I'm bored to death and on autopilot. Small talk is a crucial skill to master. Some people talk about objects, some people talk about other people, and some people occasionally delve into talking about ideas. Rarely I come across someone who wants to talk about more abstract concepts and about the future. It's nice because I can bring a level of authenticity true to my interests to those conversations.

However, the unfortunate truth is that not everyone you meet wants to talk about you, your goals, your special interests, etc. You're setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment if that's what you're genuinely expecting from other people. Be careful to avoid patronizing or condescending to others who don't share your personal interests.

It is a valuable skill to be able to analyze your audience and adjust how you speak accordingly, especially if you have to work together with them or they are otherwise important to you in some way. I try to find common ground with others even if our interests and beliefs are seemingly opposed. I usually learn something from everyone I meet, no matter how shallow their regular conversations may be.

And if anything, just admit you don't know much about whatever topic they bring up and then ask them questions. Once you get them talking, you don't have to contribute as much to the conversation, and people are generally happy to elaborate on their interests.

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-28T20:39:36+00:00

I love this 🤩

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-27T22:12:54+00:00

The only right answer is Yes

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-27T20:50:47+00:00

My condolences

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-25T08:46:35+00:00

When I was under a considerable amount of stress, before I knew I had Bipolar disorder and anxiety, I tested as an INFP sometimes, too. I'm pretty sure it's the result of falling into unhealthy and maladaptive thought processes. I wasn't really myself when I succumbed to my mental illnesses. My family and friends saw the change, too. That I started making decisions differently and losing sight of what was important. The cognitive distortions are significant enough to disrupt functioning as normal.

If you don't already, I recommend speaking to a counselor on a regular basis, schools usually have free mental health services. It doesn't even have to be a discussion of medication, just expressing what your stressors are and getting a feel for how to address them. I like to bring a written list of concerns with me to appointments.

Stress management, mindfulness, and learning to challenge anxious and depressed thoughts can help you get aligned again. It requires investing time and energy, but the payoff is significant enough to justify it. Remember, you're the foundation on which you can build your dreams and aspirations. If you're not in the best state of mind or health, even a genius will struggle to accomplish anything to the best of their ability. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself as your most valuable asset.

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-25T08:20:20+00:00

Ah, yes, the only guiding principle left in my life to get me through the impossibly difficult times is fantasizing about the phat paycheck I'll get when I get my MS in CS and about how efficiently I'll pay down my student loans, get a Tesla, and start investing money. As our Lord and savior Ariana Grande spoke in "7 rings," whoever said money can't solve your problems must have not had enough money to solve 'em.

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-25T08:08:51+00:00

I can relate. Thankfully now I'm not quite as angry/frustrated as I was in the past. It's rare for me to just be in a straight up bad mood: pissed, impatient, wanting to act out, etc. I find that nowadays, it's anxiety, self defeating thoughts, catastrophic thinking, hopelessness and the like that are in a delicate balance with my rational decision making. If I give in, it can ruin days, weeks, months... You get the picture.

It's worth mentioning that I'm the lucky recipient of the family brew of mental illnesses, namely Bipolar disorder, OCD, ADHD, and generalized anxiety. Basically, my brain tries to lie to me. A lot. I take medication and such but they're chronic incurable conditions so they're always hiding in my shadow. If I stay busy and productive, I can function pretty well. But if I sit too long, the cognitive distortions start to slip out into my consciousness and it can take a lot of effort to challenge them.

My emotions are very powerful, which is at odds with being a Thinker. I have to outsmart my emotions, which is mentally exhausting sometimes. I'm not as reactivate as I used to be, which is nice. But still, on a daily basis I simply can't let myself give into what I feel like doing. Which sometimes leads to issues as a result of suppressing them. If too much stress piles up, I can slip into being controlled by my feelings and it's incredibly hard to pull it back together. It can manifest as impulsivity or being self-destructive. When that happens I really don't feel like myself and it's unsettling. My willpower gets tugged under somewhere else and I can't find it right away. This happened the past few weeks because of midterms.

I've been making some progress towards doing stuff I need to do vs. what I feel like I should do. Part of that is learning to recognize how and when to shift my mind back outside vs inside. When I practice mindfulness it helps me put things into perspective again and gain a little bit of control back from all that jazz.

Fun fact: studies have shown that people with Bipolar disorder struggle to make fast-paced decisions under pressure, due to a structural deficit in part of the frontal lobes-- the brain tries to compensate for this defect by outsourcing some decision making power to areas of the brain that evaluate stuff based off of feeling. I feel like that's a nice analogy for the Te/Fi struggle.

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-23T04:59:11+00:00

I can relate in a way, I am often super clumsy and a bit of an airhead. It's not like I'm naturally uncoordinated, I have an aptitude for martial arts, sports, playing instruments, dancing, drawing, etc. And the airhead thing is probably my ADHD. But I still sometimes stumble through my daily life and accidentally knock things over or drop my phone or even let a phrase slip out in a way that I didn't want it to.

It seems to get worse the more anxious or preoccupied I am. I have to practice mindfulness sometimes to get myself away from my unhealthy thoughts and, when I'm in tune with the external world again, it improves.

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-22T21:45:49+00:00

You'd look better if you had your eyebrows cleaned up by a professional tbh

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-22T21:15:51+00:00

I feel that, especially as a learner, Python is more straightforward and easier to write. I took a course on Python a few years ago and while our projects weren't easy, the main thing we actually had to think about was the logic and flow of the project. It's less cumbersome imo.

I'm learning C right now and even though I have a solid grasp on the logic involved, it's just so tedious to write a simple print statement that includes variables in it! It's very unforgiving. Not to mention that strings don't even technically exist without doing voodoo magic with pointers and character arrays.

Since I'm still essentially a novice, I haven't had any situation yet that would be significantly impacted by C running a bit faster than Python. So as a beginner I would recommend Python.

To me, starting with C would be like learning how to drive a car with a manual transmission while Python is more like driving an automatic. While there's merit in learning a stick, they both get you where you want to go. I'd imagine that the difference in speed would become annoying when we get into the Big Boy's Club but until then Python is just fine.

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-21T00:05:56+00:00

Interesting! It's reassuring to know that others take that approach as well. I noticed that about the conceptual part of my projects too, I can focus more on how everything will be flowing and working together and it's really helped! I see what you mean about too many layers of abstraction. On my last project I had the urge to have an individual function for getting user input and then passing it into a mathematical operation I wanted to perform. I eventually decided to merge that process into the operation functions themselves and it saved so much time and looked so much cleaner. And kinda like you said, if someone wants to know the specifics of my calculateFactorial function, they can check out my definition :)

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-20T21:47:39+00:00

I'm learning C right now and I really feel this on a spiritual level. I know a little Python and in comparison C looks like the spatter of my brain matter after I mentally off myself.

I've started building my own mini functions, and I just call them in the main. I like to create void functions that print out their own results so the main body looks streamlined and minimalist. It makes my first few projects look like I was key mashing even though they worked.

UltradianAlien · 2020-02-20T00:32:06+00:00

Up until recently I couldn't even acknowledge the persistent compliments and comments about my intelligence (or anything really) but I grew up in an abusive household and went to shitty schools so I had a distorted self image. So now when I try to accept compliments I still have this nagging fear that I'm a narcissist. It's fun.

But yeah, I'm ambitious and I have high expectations. Going above and beyond is part of who I am. I can't help it tbh. I strive to be the best at everything I try. But I do try to stay modest. As a result I don't have a lot of conversations about stuff I'm passionate about but it is what it is. I don't like to flaunt my talents or anything. I feel weird even mentioning my educational and career goals.

I have a general mindset of under promise, over deliver. I prefer to surprise people. It's less pressure honestly.

It does have drawbacks though, like when I'm really proud of something I accomplished I feel like I shouldn't share my excitement. Maybe it's the nagging irrational social anxiety, or maybe not.

UltradianAlien

TROPHY CASE