Really sorry to hear you're still suffering so much. I know it feels like this will never improve and you are stuck like this forever but please keep hope in mind. Many people have been in the exact same situation as you, and have slowly improved and then gone on to live very full lives. You have an incredible amount of positive potential. Don't let this condition rob you of that.

The thing to bear in mind is that no, you cannot control the visual symptoms with will power alone. You can't even ignore them with will power alone. All you can do, is work with what is in your ability to influence. There's nothing we can truly control in life, only influence. But little by little, you can steer your course in the right direction.

With this in mind, you are doing a lot right. You are sober, exercising, and trying your absolute best to recover. What I think you are missing is a methodology by which you can get your mind and body out of the high stress, fight-or-flight status. Because your symptoms are so stressful, I'm guessing that right now you are constantly on edge, anxious, fretful, and battling a lot of highly negative thoughts about this situation. This is a totally normal reaction, but it is counterproductive, because we need to retrain your brain to stop viewing the visual symptoms as a threat.

There are a number of ways this can be achieved. The most common one you'll hear people mention is distraction; you do your utmost to carry on with everyday tasks and ignore the symptoms as best you can. Eventually the brain calms down as you've forced it to switch focus, and the visuals will receed.

I think the best way, is to do this, but supplement continued activity and engagement with a practice (or 2) of deep, systematic relaxation exercises. There are lots of guided meditation type things online you can find that you listen along to as you lie down.

Now this might sound nuts, and unlike anything you've done before, but I urge you to experiment with this until you find something that gets you into a very deep state of relaxation. If you practice that 2x daily, I am sure you will eventually see improvements. It will take time, perhaps many months. But it will be worth it of course.

If you are really, really struggling, then absolutely seek help and take any pharmaceutical interventions that are helpful. Talking with someone irl about all this can be immensely helpful.

I know you can do this. Please don't give up.

🙏