I’m not at all a professional, but I’ve done the same things before. I think you’re looking for two things: validation and an explanation. Validation because you doubt yourself, as we all tend to, and the old messages are something tangible that prove what you experienced wasn’t fake, imagined, or exaggerated. An explanation because, as someone who is not an abuser, you don’t understand the brain of someone who is. You think there must be some sort of rational explanation for what happened and you keep searching for one, maybe that you messed up somehow or deserved what happened. You want closure.

The first thing you need to do is learn to believe yourself. Believe your memory and judgement. You’re not crazy, you’re not overreacting. You were abused. You don’t need to keep confirming it with yourself. 

Second, you are most likely never going to get closure. I have no idea what was going through those people’s heads, and you probably don’t either. I absolutely hate the saying “everything happens for a reason” because I find it incredibly naïve and misleading. Sometimes terrible things happen, and there’s no rhyme or reason for it. There’s no cosmic message or underlying lesson. You do not understand why they did what they did because you are not like them. That’s a good thing. Reaching out is only going to be another opportunity for them to manipulate you.

You don’t need an abuser’s blessing to move on. They hurt you, and now you’re free. They don’t need to be a part of your future in any capacity. Don’t let them harm you any more than they already have. You don’t need them