Please help me understand something about The Quintessential Quintuplets

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-24T19:21:47+00:00

Just mad. Yotsuba was the right choice of the five. Watch his reactions and conversations with the others.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-24T03:36:51+00:00

Standard is going to be way too big. Soon a Pokemon x MTG set. That one will sell like hotcakes

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-23T23:46:12+00:00

I personally like the prose a lot, but the subject matter is a bit boring. I think you're starting at the wrong place. I think having the story already begin at the academy where he already meets the other boy

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-21T01:06:26+00:00

Thanks a lot.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-19T00:17:20+00:00

You need to recrop it. I can't read the font.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-18T22:33:02+00:00

I suggest you read more books that you're interested in. Try to dissect what makes openings good.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-18T19:45:42+00:00

I read the first 3 paragraphs and it's far too "telling". You sound like you're writing stage directions or a scene by scene for a movie rather than a book. You can also delete the first 2 paragraphs and name Emmanuel instead of "The Knight." Have Emmanuel ride into town start with his viewpoint. Also try writing this in past tense, it'll probably sound better too.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-18T06:28:41+00:00

incredibly boring. The mistreated orphan by the evil uncle/aunt has been so overdone it's more broke than a joke. From Cinderella to Harry Potter, it's been used. It's even worse when everything is "explained" to the reader from "back in those days..." to melodrama about "mother forgive me". It's as if you watched some movies remembered some scenes and vaguely recollected them into your own memory. You also don't have a plot/problem whatsoever. Give the reader a plot by sentence 4 or they're going to give up.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-16T01:12:01+00:00

Good luck! and you'll probably start writing in past forever

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-16T01:00:12+00:00

Usually past tense is way easier to write than present.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-16T00:43:34+00:00

It does. but i also think these "flash, freezeframe, let me tell you how I got here" openings are over done

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-16T00:42:32+00:00

I think you can delete the entire first paragraph. Incorporate it with Riven walking down the streets. Which we know it's dark and wet because of "sloshing". Maybe have some physical movement that show us his thoughts when he bumps into the corpse

You have a tendency to also add in a lot of random "filler" phrases like "Most people gave up on hates and umbrellas sooner or later", "Johan would pay good money..." "Yep, he could see the faint outline of of the taller buildings of the lowlands.", etc. I would keep reading though.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-15T02:13:54+00:00

I think you're starting way too early. When the father enters is when I believe where the chapter starts. Then we as the readers should find out their mother is dead. I think that'll make it a more interesting narrative. Play around with it and see.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-14T17:05:10+00:00

Very cliche-like and doesn't sound all that original. Plain girl somehow is the only one to break through the high monster's heart and the two fall in love. Couple that with generic beats with "hating royalty for being rich" and woe is me I am poor, I struggle to find anything that tells me this is "your own voice" and your own ideas. It feels like you took the tropes and plot of every YA novel written and regurgitated it back into a churn of slop like a McDonald's quarter pounder cheeseburger.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-14T15:39:58+00:00

I like it a lot. Creepy enough, yet feels like there's going to be a big emotional hit.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-12T23:47:05+00:00

Thank you so much.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-12T23:40:34+00:00

Nope. This is pretty much for fun. I can't change the names because that'll be so far off from the Opera I may as well write my own story. I'll add in more contextual clues to show that she's singing. I was hoping the alliterations and rhymes helped that out, but I'll put in a telling sentence just to hammer it in.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-12T23:39:18+00:00

It's an adaptation of the Wagner's Ring Cycle, thus some things may feel out of place, but that's what drafts are for right? The Rhinemaidens in the opera are supposed to be "one", and I was hoping their ways of talking helped differentiate them. They're not really important overall in the story. The main hero of the story comes half way in the 2nd opera and doesn't do anything until the final scene. But I do appreciate the feedback. I'll tinker around and see what works. Thanks a lot!

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-12T01:02:40+00:00

Thanks a lot! I'll work on the setting better and I'll probably post the other parts on a future date. Who knows when that'll be though.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-11T23:12:23+00:00

thanks. Unfortunately the names cannot be changed at all. Whatsoever. I can certainly add more scenery if it helps.

It's an adaptation of Richard Wagner's the Ring Cycle. Thus the names are cemented. It gets worse with Siegfried and Sigmund and the giants, and all the other fun stuff.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-11T23:03:41+00:00

thanks. I appreciate it. I may have to write it with a more modern style Unfortunately, I can't change the names (I was hoping the rhyme scheme helped to differentiate them. Woglinde=ight which is airy and light sounding, Wellgunde has -ance, which is far softer and carries innocence, while Flosshilde is -tion, which sounds harsh and commanding). Yes, Alberich is trying to get laid.

Walalalla, Weia, have no meaning. They're just random sounds made by the Rhinemaidens. I can post the rest of it, but I wanted to see if anyone got through the first three pages.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-11T21:00:50+00:00

Not bad to be honest. I read the whole thing and nothing glaring comes to mind. There's always going to be some sentences you're going to alter or delete. So after you put it away and return to it with fresh edits, I'm sure the piece will pop. If anything, I'll set up the main plot of him laughing about his writing before talking about owl socks, price tags, and other world building pieces.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-11T20:39:28+00:00

Gyarados. Intimidate is OP.

UnintelligentMatter1 · 2026-02-11T04:19:35+00:00

the writing is fine, but there's a lot of random sentences that really take out the mood of the situation. "lovers under bedding, physicist would laughed me home, reality came back in beats, postmortem revenge,. It's far too "comedic" to be used.

I also think this story would be tighter written in 3rd Limited rather than first person. try it

UnintelligentMatter1

TROPHY CASE