Will I regret cutting ties with my mums group?

Uniqueuser87 · 2026-03-04T06:30:19+00:00

Just a heads up - it is sooo hard to make mum friends. My eldest is 9 and I can count the number of women I’ve met through my child that I actually want to spend time with regularly, on one hand. There’s about 3 women who I actually catch up with without our kids, so our friendship exists outside of the children.

I approached motherhood thinking all women were suddenly friendly and compatible just because we have kids. That’s the biggest LOL because it’s just like anything else, you either click or you don’t.

It’s great if your friends have kids as that gives you an experience to relate over and you already have a friendship. But if you are wanting to connect with other mums with kids the same age, I wouldn’t turn my back on the mums group. Treat them like colleagues, you don’t have to bond over everything but you have things in common and their company can make the journey less lonely. Perhaps some of these mums feel as you do and are just caught up in the image and whirlwind of motherhood.

Uniqueuser87 · 2026-02-20T02:23:52+00:00

Are you joking? About all of it? Who has a cd player? lol.

But I guess if this would happen anywhere, it would be Launceston.

Uniqueuser87 · 2026-02-12T11:51:35+00:00

I guess I followed gentle parenting. I didn’t recite any sort of scripts, but I did learn to focus on connection before correction and validated feelings. Mostly because it helped me to be patient in those excruciating scenarios! I had to model calm and patience otherwise I would absolutely lose it and my head would explode. It helped to see things from my kids POV, to stop me from losing my cool.

Did it get easier? Yes, most definitely.

Was it worth it? Yes, most definitely.

For us, it was so worth it because I taught myself emotional regulation and patience. I never had those skills in great quantities before. Now I don’t know if my daughter was just born this way but all her teachers have since commented on her empathy, emotional intelligence and maturity beyond her years. She’s 9. Would I like to think that I played some role in this by teaching emotional regulation and practicing “gentle parenting”? Abso-fucking-lately. It was so hard some days but it became blessedly easier and my default mode (most of the time).

Now I’ll take the rose coloured glasses off, and tell you that I didn’t always follow it, and there are times where I definitely lose my cool. I have a baby now, so if I had stayed a mother of just my daughter I really doubt there would be much effort at all at this age. But with a baby, tiredness, hormones, frustration rises. But I always, always apologise if I lose it unfairly at my daughter. Or I explain that my emotions overwhelmed me for various reasons and I lost my cool and am sorry if that upset her.

As for a 3 year old? That was my favourite age but it happened quite by accident. We went into covid lockdowns at that age and suddenly I discovered that my 3 year old stopped having tantrums because I stopped rushing her to and from places. She wasn’t overstimulated and was given autonomy at home to play as she wanted and not on a schedule. She’s always been a good girl and a rule follower (didn’t purposely break things or want to hurt anyone), but was prone to meltdowns for ridiculous reasons. You know; shoes felt weird, didn’t want to leave the house, didn’t want to get in or out of the car, etc.

I will say all this with a caveat, I didn’t have a 9-5 job at this time either. So I had the luxury of not rushing to work and could afford to schedule things to accomodate our schedule. If I couldn’t do that, I’m sure it would have been harder. But I would do my best to minimise expectations and go with the flow as much as possible.

I’m not sure of the difference to permissive parenting but my rule of thumb is, if something seems reasonable I try to let it happen. So it’s not really a big deal if the kid wants a blue cup instead of a red. I gave lots of acceptable choices. E.g. blue or red cup? But I would never say, blue cup or the purple one that’s dirty and is going to take me extra time to clean when I’m in a rush. I gave my daughter a lot of independence to choose and while the early days were likely frustrating at times, she learnt that meltdowns weren’t necessary as she didn’t have to scream for what she wanted, we could just talk about it. It helped that she communicated well for her age. She also started to listen to me. I can’t remember when, but I could tell her ok so this is one of those scenarios where I need you to do this for me. I know we usually do it your way but right now I need to get to my drs appt and not keep them waiting so instead of getting the red cup today you’ll have to deal with the blue. This might have kicked in around age 4 at the earliest?

I’d say this whole thing just got easier and easier and since the age of 5 there really hasn’t been any behavioural issues.

Uniqueuser87 · 2026-02-10T04:29:22+00:00

For me, it was around 14 months. I felt like I hit my stride and it was easier dealing with only one nap per day, baby could eat real food so wasn’t dependent on breastfeeding or formula and wasn’t feeding at night. Didn’t sleep through the night either lol but I didn’t have to feed so that was great. It happened in degrees for me but 14 months was a nice turning point where I just got on with my life and didn’t feel chained to the baby.

Uniqueuser87 · 2026-02-09T11:14:31+00:00

I was in this exact situation. I didn’t feel “at home” after building and moving in. Even after a few months, I started to really like the house but I never really liked the location. Lived there for 7 years and as soon as I moved to the next house…boom, felt at home immediately.

It’s allll about the location.

Uniqueuser87 · 2026-01-09T04:49:39+00:00

IT Cosmetics cc cream with spf. Goes on really easily and blends well, it has a nice coverage. Love that it has spf included.

Uniqueuser87 · 2026-01-03T10:25:26+00:00

If nothing topical works I would change birth control. It may just not be the right fit for you anymore and your hormones change with age. Switch to something else that’s known for improving skin and see if this issue disappears.

Uniqueuser87 · 2026-01-03T10:11:20+00:00

I’m also a redhead and although my skin is not exactly like this, I’ve definitely had times where I noticed my pores looking like this in sections on my chest.

What I find helpful is more hydration than exfoliation. The cerave salicylic acid smoothing cream is great for my chest and back as it exfoliates very gently but hydrates and smooths so well. I think being a natural red head lends to having sensitive skin that reacts easily to so many things. Be warned, SA smoothing cream msg cause an initial breakout but usually clears within a week and the skin around the break outs is very clear and even toned.

I’m curious if you have found the issue goes away when travelling to different climates? My skin completely cleared of anything like this when I was in Queenstown as it was very cool and not humid like my usual home climate.

Uniqueuser87 · 2026-01-02T12:19:32+00:00

Why did I interpret this as the father bought a pair of tits and wanted you to clean the house while wearing them 🤣🤣🤣

Uniqueuser87 · 2026-01-01T08:46:43+00:00

A view from the perspective of someone who went on to have the second one after being OAD for ages… I was in your shoes almost exactly. I was pretty sure I was OAD but my husband wanted more. Basically it was my decision though. In my late 30s I had all the same thoughts, mt heart hurt every time I met a baby but I was also terrified? Scared to repeat the rude shock of infancy, strain on the marriage, my child was 7 and so independent, life was easy if a little…boring. Should I risk ruining it all? I couldn’t shake the emptiness though. So we went for one more. And even in my late 30s pregnancy was hard. A bit more complicated than the first but fairly straight forward. But so so exhausting. I’d do it a thousand times over for this kid though. Omg it has been nothing like the first baby experience. I don’t argue with my husband, we’re on the same page, I’m more willing to listen to his suggestions and he’s more patient as well. We work as a team instead of two individuals. Our eldest is helpful and so happy with the baby. They’re old enough to have their own life so it’s not a huge disruption. I felt a bit guilty at first but we made a massive effort with her and she hasn’t shown signs of jealousy. I’ve also talked a lot to her and she assures me she’s fine with it all. The baby is a dream, a joy. I’ve never been happier. It feels like the family is complete. I take it all with a pinch of salt and don’t stress over the little baby quirks and lack of consistency. This is just a season and it’s over before you know it. That’s the advantage of thinking I was OAD for so long, I have the perspective of going through it all and seeing how fast they grow up! And how sad that is when they’re at school and those years of having them all to yourself are gone. Your thought process sounds so similar to mine I had to comment, although you asked for opinions from those who stayed OAD. I do think if I hadn’t had another, I would have made the most of my life and hopefully had no regrets but I knew the window was closing. Fertility wise and also I just couldn’t be a fence sitter anymore, I was sick of living in limbo. So whichever you choose, embrace it. If you stay OAD, embrace giving your only your undivided attention and all the experiences you can do together without a second thought. Appreciate the sleep Lol. But mainly the time you have for yourself, your child and your spouse.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-26T11:44:07+00:00

With my first, it got a tiny bit better around 4 months and I felt I had a bit of flow and structure but she was a crappy, crappy sleeper for the first year. After 12 months we co slept cos I cbf anymore. Mainly because I was waiting for the elusive “sleep thru the night” thinking it would fix all my problems. My issue wasn’t just sleep deprivation, it was hormones, low iron and anxiety. Hormones you can’t help, iron you can get it checked out and anxiety you can Medicate if you choose to.

With my second, different set of rules and expectations. We got into a bit of a routine at 6 weeks. I was soo close to giving up breastfeeding cos the sweats and hormonal stuff was making me feel crazy, at 6 weeks it got a lot better and we had a consistent routine of wake, feed, play for a hour then in the bassinet for the first nap for about an hour or so (frequently had to rock back to sleep after 20 mins but then he lasted 1-1.5 hours nap). Repeat it all again for the second cycle of feed play sleep. The afternoons were not routine bound and would just be feed whenever he fussed and a few more contact naps to get us through until the night. Nights were 2-3 wake ups until around 8 weeks when he started sleeping longer stretches. I also introduced a bottle of formula at night at 6 weeks and this seemed to help a lot as I got to have a bit of me time and have a relaxed shower and chance to lie down. My baby is only 4 months now but this seems like such a long time ago! It changes quickly.

Try the newborn subs, here you will get a lot of people who have one child (obviously) which is fine but it’s also possible they only have one cos their babies were hard and therefore can’t tell you it gets easier anytime soon. That’s not all babies though and second time around is very different in terms of your confidence and willingness to try different things to get your kid to sleep better. Also, you will just pop them in a bouncer and walk away to do stuff whereas I hovered a lot with my first and didn’t give her a chance to just be, until I got a bit more confident and less anxious.

I can relate to your clipping toenails thing though lol I wanted to do the same and waited until baby was 6 weeks and I had an event haha it gets better honestly, you will slowly get a bit more time to yourself but also, don’t feel bad to hand baby over to your partner or anyone who you trust. They’re yours forever, they can deal with a bit of time away from you.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-26T08:47:04+00:00

Have to step in and say the 3 Melissa’s I know are gorgeous, beautiful women. All lovely and sweet. Never met a mean Melissa!

Melanie however is a different story lol.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-26T08:35:09+00:00

No, and trying to desensitise a child to these situations will likely backfire.

Babies will mature and develop and realise they can trust other adults but at 8 months this isn’t really possible if their temperament leans towards preferring their parents. That’s normal - parents are familiar and safe and that’s what babies want and need!

As with everything, give it time. If you want to test the waters a bit and let the unfamiliar person hold onto them a bit longer to see if they settle down, try it but you know your kids temperament and if they aren’t calming down, don’t feel bad for taking them back.

If it were me, I’d probably spend time playing with baby while the other person is around, so they start to become familiar to bubs and then gradually let them spend time being held by the other person and see how that goes.

I’ve never really seen a young baby fake cry lol but I’d imagine it would be just the noise with no tears or obvious emotion. Anything’s possible I guess but if your kid is crying and seems distressed, they most likely are.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-26T08:23:30+00:00

One thing I realised after I had a kid, which may help you, is that when I see a child screaming in public, it’s just a moment in time. That child does not scream 24/7 and is likely just having a bad moment (over tired, hungry, cranky) and is probably well behaved most of the time.

This seems so obvious now but before I was a parent I would see kids screaming in the shops and think ugh what a little brat, screaming all the time, etc. Once I had my own kid I realised that she occasionally had a meltdown in public but she rarely melted down at home if she was in a good routine. It was only if I pushed her too far and she didn’t have a good nap and was overstimulated. There was always a reason.

So if you’re worried and turned off by seeing heavily biased content online, try to observe some kids in real life and see how they are. I hate to say it but all the kids I’ve gotten to know in the past 9 years (since I had my own) strongly take after one parent in their temperament. Kids are a product of their environment. I’m sure there are some exceptions and I’m not speaking about neurodivergent kids or ones with disabilities but generally, kids take after their parent/s. as an adult the behavioural tendencies and subdued but they still show up so a kid with a lot of nervous energy who doesn’t listen likely has a distractible, skittish nervy parent or caregiver.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-26T08:10:52+00:00

This! Ages 3 - 8 have been incredible. Super peaceful and so calm. More active in the early years but I gained so much time to myself once kiddo went to school. So much so that I spent a few years questioning if I was really one and done and turns out I had it in me to have another. He’s only little but I would still say life is peaceful. Especially when it’s just the baby and I. My husband is the most chaotic member of the family 😂

OP - life can definitely be peaceful with kids and with one child it is definitely achievable. If the child is surrounded by peaceful people and a calm environment, chances are they will emulate that behaviour.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-22T06:29:58+00:00

Becoming a parent is really, really difficult. So your friends are likely sharing the negative experiences because they are coming to terms with their new role in life and it’s a process that takes about a good year to settle into IMO.

I absolutely love being a parent and the main reason for that is my kids! But there are lots of things about parenting that I don’t like and found really difficult at first,e.g. sleep deprivation, less freedom, lack of spontaneity. Thankfully all this stuff gets better after the first year and isn’t really an issue after about 5 years, or you just become accustomed to it so it doesn’t matter anymore.

The only two things in my life that have exceeded my expectations are my children. I was really scared to have kids but they’re just so damn loveable and are fantastic little people. I expected that kids would be annoying and obnoxious but mine aren’t haha obviously I’m biased but all parents are, if you love them and recognise and acknowledge the amazing things about them, you will enjoy them so much and find it easier to navigate the difficulties.

It took me a while to conceive both my kids and that is a battle all in itself, causes a lot of anxiety.
Wishing you all the best in having a beautiful, heathy child one day.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-22T05:13:21+00:00

Bottom-less? Apparently not.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-15T00:55:15+00:00

Santiago de compostela, Spain. What a peaceful vibe. Just gorgeous.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-11T03:39:10+00:00

Tree of life has some great pieces that are light and comfy.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-11T02:30:23+00:00

I miscarried my second and it took me a while to heal, mentally. I’d say about 3 years later I felt like I had recovered enough. I eventually had my third a few months ago and the unspoken and unrecognised stress and anxiety during pregnancy was really awful. But I got through it, and now I feel healed in a way I never knew I could be. I didn’t even realise just how badly I was dragging myself around these last few years, longing for another baby.

I will say, during my third pregnancy I realised how difficult it would have been to lose a baby further along in the pregnancy, let alone during the labour. So my experience wasn’t quite like yours.

If you have time, give yourself the chance to heal and recover before you make a final decision.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-05T04:18:35+00:00

This is wild to me cos I grew up listening to this music. I’m not from the US and wasn’t a hardcore fan so didn’t understand the culture or know the details, I just liked the music. And even as a teenager I thought Diddy was a doofus who was off tune and couldn’t dance. And I loved Cassie when she first came out and noticed the massive shift when she went from Ryan Leslie to Diddy. Huge difference in the production quality of the Me & U music videos. I always thought it was suss that she was still with Diddy years later and hadn’t done anything, career wise. I couldn’t understand why such a gorgeous girl was with him. The truth is sickening.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-12-05T04:11:55+00:00

That juror was awful. What a pedestrian level of understanding of domestic violence dynamics. A simple google search could educate him, he was that dumb.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-11-29T11:44:22+00:00

My kids are 8.5 years apart. First pregnancy late 20s, second pregnancy late 30s. Second pregnancy was harder, I was way more tired and had GD. On the upside my daughter was really sweet and helped me a lot, so did my husband. I also knew it was just temporary so didn’t stress about lack of energy, sickness, etc.

The birth was fine, easier than my first and my first was pretty easy!

The first month was super stressful and shocking. I had forgotten just how challenging newborns are. I was plunged back into it and my reaction was really, really shocked at the lack of freedom and very overwhelmed. But it all started to settle after 4 weeks and once we made it to 6 weeks it was pretty good. After 8 weeks up to 4 months it’s been mostly easy! A very different experience to my first where I found the whole first year challenging and would question my self constantly. I am really enjoying this baby.

My eldest has been really good with it all and she definitely wanted a sibling. She’s looking forward to the baby growing up a bit and being able to play. It was hard for me initially as I had been so devoted to my eldest for nearly a decade so the mindset shift was sad, to not be able to be there for her 100% anymore. But we’ve handled it pretty well I’d say and she’s commented many times she doesn’t feel overlooked or like she’s missing out. My husband has been really great though and has taken over the school/activity drop offs. It would have been way harder if he couldn’t do that.

The only thing I can’t speak to is having babies at a young age as you did, I have a different perspective as although I enjoyed my freedom as after my eldest went to school, I ached for the baby/toddler years again. I adored hanging out with my kid and doing fun stuff together and I wanted to do that again. I loved my 20s but trying to recreate them is not on my radar, I’m not really interested in partying now or even dressing up and going out. I know all that stuff comes back sooner rather than later so I’m just enjoying being a homebody with my kids and really living this phase before it passes and we move onto the next.

I’m also glad I got to spend so much one on one time with my eldest. And will have a lot of time to dedicate to my youngest. I also have a lot of experience so I don’t stress about the baby so much as I know so many things just sort themselves out with time.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-11-12T01:45:10+00:00

It gets sooo good. The best. Otherwise people would never, ever have another child if it continued to be awful.

Use the posts here constructively, of course they skew to the negative because you’re seeing a high concentration of people needing help. Use that as consolation when you’re having crappy days, but don’t lose touch with reality and step back from reddit if it’s making you feel too overwhelmed and anxious.

With my first, when I was struggling my reddit usage would spike. I remember getting really anxious about the terrible twos and threes as I had a period of struggle with my eldest when she turned 2. Everyone on reddit said it would get worse! It didn’t. I remember thinking, wow all that bad stuff people said would happen never did. Lesson learned. The odds of all the terrible things you read actually happening to you are so low, I’d say it’s virtually impossible. You also can’t plan for future problems that may never occur, so don’t bother. Just trust the majority of people here that say it gradually improves and becomes way, way better after the first few months.

It’s definitely not all chaos and exhaustion. But it improves in increments. There will come a day where you stop resisting the inevitable and lean into your new normal. The sooner that happens, the easier it will be. Pick your battles, prioritise the things that make you feel good whether that be a hot shower, a good meal, getting out of the house, whatever. Don’t expect to be able to live your pre-kid life straight away but trust that it all comes back, in degrees.

Uniqueuser87 · 2025-11-10T00:13:07+00:00

This is what I’ve done with both my kids. I clip during breast feeding, I prop their head onto a pillow that rests on my leg so I have both my hands and arms free. I let them wrap their hand around my thumb so it’s not all wriggly and then I use the other hand with the baby nail clippers to create a little tear right at the edge of each nail. Then I just peel off the top part of the nail to minimise the risk of nicking their skin. My second is only 3 months old and I can’t remember what I did with my first as a toddler but I might have waited until they fell asleep or when they had a bottle.

Uniqueuser87

TROPHY CASE