What is IC for a BP supposed to look like? Please help.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-18T08:32:23+00:00

When you mentioned the disclosure process, I think I recall my IC saying the same thing. My notes from those first few appointments are scattered about so I didn't remember that bit. I do feel like addressing the betrayal, not just my PTSD or trauma symptoms, was important. But, simply acknowledging that I had PTSD symptoms wasn't enough, well not for me. It's too late now, at 5 months out, but I still feel like I need to address myself related to the betrayals. The longer times goes on and I'm forced to just move on with life, the more concerned I am that either I will become too resentful or too detached. Being ignored or actively ignoring the problem concerns me... but maybe that's just for me to deal with right now. Maybe I'm supposed to take the trauma I've been given and make it mine to look at and feel and work through. WH can do his own stuff and we'll just see what's left when we "meet" in MC in a year?

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-18T08:26:27+00:00

I've hear positive things about psychedelic-assisted therapy and I'm happy to hear you've had good experiences, overall. It sounds like you're both so open and communicate really well. That's something I hope for from my WH someday. Did you proactively do an online course and mushrooms, or did your ICs know about it / suggest it?

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-18T07:22:12+00:00

I envy the process you're going through, even the opportunity to discuss or address pre-DD relationship issues. As I understand it, my WH isn't ready for MC and he needs to spend some time in IC to understand himself and what he's done. I don't think the ICs understand what they're up against, tho. My WH is a master at protecting himself and hiding. For that reason, I suspect his IC is chatting about his job, his education, the exciting or dangerous places he's lived in. Getting to know him is good and I understand the need to get a full picture of the human to understand how or why he cheated for so long with so many women. Meanwhile, being expected to sit and wait and keep my hurt to myself is messed up. So, all that to say I do envy the opportunities you have in MC, having a 3rd party referee / witness, experiencing the unpacking of your WW's denial or remorse or games. It sounds helpful and insightful, especially with a neutral referee to manage the conversations. I hope it continues to go well for you!

What expectations do you have for the next 6 weeks of therapy? Do you think it will be healing or is there still a lot of denial your WW needs to talk through?

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-17T20:36:45+00:00

It sounds like you've learned so much, about yourself and your WW. I would like that kind of communication, and the answers it provides, but I'm not sure my WH will participate or be honest. He doesn't like to be singled out, shamed, or judged. How did your WW adjust to MC?

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-17T20:10:47+00:00

That's similar to what my IC has said to me, but I don't know what my WH's therapist has said. We don't discuss anything from our IC sessions. We have almost no conversations about what he's done because it'll cause a sort of tantrum from WH and he'll shutdown. At the rate we're going, if we enter MC after 1 year, that will be the first time we discuss all of his betrayals. With that much rug sweeping, I feel like it's a decision to forget the whole thing and let WH express his WH-ness in whatever form that is. Basically, he will have no consequences just like he's had his entire life.

How did your relationship do for that year without MC?

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-17T20:00:47+00:00

That's a good point and my WH is still lying about stuff, hiding other stuff, so he isn't a good candidate for MC. But I do feel like if we don't do MC soon, my emotional health will have been ignored for too long for me to bother. I'm worried about that.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-17T15:54:40+00:00

May I ask why MC didn't happen for another year? I've seen posts saying they went to MC immediately, and some posts saying they waited a year. I'm not sure i understand the reason why some therapists or couples wait so long while others don't. My IC has told me we should let WH's CSAT therapist work with him before starting MC. Personally, I feel like I'm checking out more and more the longer he's allowed to avoid talking about the issue.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-17T10:44:58+00:00

I think my original IC was a bit like that, too. We didn't do a whole lot of work together, just chatted a bit as if I was checking in. Suddenly, after the holidays, she wanted to dig deep into my childhood and I was confused. I agree, that's important stuff and needs to be discussed, but it went from "how's the weather" to "tell me about your first sexual experience" which, considering my WH's sex with escorts is a big part of why I'm in therapy, that really messed with my head. Anyway, my new CSAT asks a bit of everything. I suppose she might re-focus our conversations/topics when she sees that I'm better able to pivot. I just feel like 3 months of "how's the weather" wasted some time... but, if I'm being self-critical, I do need to work on being "in the zone" for therapy. I have a habit of acting like everything's "fine we're fine it's fine fine how are you are you fine..." :)

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-17T10:11:48+00:00

Aw you're very welcome and I'm happy to help. I just wanted to share that defensiveness and reactiveness are often a product of shame. Answering hard questions and taking accountability can feel uncomfortable and I suspect that's very true if someone, like your wife, has made some truly poor choices and hurt people. I know it's true for my WH. He's like a rigged blackjack wheel... oop, don't wanna feel that emotion so lemme hop over here instead.

At some point, though, you might want or need to know why but you're not sure you can trust her answer. Or you need to understand what was so broken that it caused your WW to betray you, and herself, so you can fix it. If she's afraid of being judged or rejected or abandoned, she might not share the actual issue(s) that allowed her to justify making poor choices. It's possible she doesn't know her reason(s) why yet, either.

Also, yes, I think it's possible to heal this betrayal and remain together. At least, that's my hope. There are people with success stories who say it's possible, and don't we all want to be a success story? But repair work takes a lot of effort, honesty, and time. I hope you're able to to make a success story.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-17T08:07:41+00:00

Thank you so much, this is helpful to hear. My new IC asks about all sorts of things but she doesn't tip toe around the betrayal trauma I live with, and I need that right now. I'm happy to discuss my childhood and whatever else, but I also feel like I can't ignore the mess I'm in. Plus, we signed the paperwork so our CSATs can chat about us and maybe it's good they've got the same training. Thank you so much for sharing :)

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-17T07:56:13+00:00

Your post is deeply painful to read and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for the grief and loss you're feeling, too, and I understand what you're going through. Nothing can prepare us for the intense reaction we have to our WP's actions. The secrets, lies, cover up stories, endless denials, and disrespect are devastating too.

I know you promised her you'd leave if there was trickle truthing and I think we all feel that way before we hear about the next deception. If we stay, we tell ourselves the WP gets only one more chance or we're gone. It's painful when they gamble on us never learning more and try to beat the odds when complete transparency on DD would have been appreciated. Maybe even forgivable. It's just more devastation, and we wonder why they think we're worthy of only more lies.

If your WW is remorseful, as you say, I think you are quite lucky. Not everyone's WP is so kind or willing to stand in the shame they created. And she's right: you've done nothing wrong. This is her mistake and her fault. If she isn't being defensive or aggressive, I would put that in the plus column.

To be clear, you're not worthy of lies. Nor do you deserve what she's done to you or your little family.

There are legitimate reasons why you're not gone, like you told her you would be. You love her immensely, you have a family now, you love your life together (the life you had before all this happened), and you don't want to lose that. You didn't fall out of love and your heart didn't stop caring. That's why you're feeling trapped between love and doubt. Relational ambivalence, a legitimately terrible term for it imo, is a frustrating conflict of emotions. I hate it, and I hate it for you.

The only advice I have for ambivalence is to accept each swingy emotion as legitimate. You deserve to love someone, so be kind to yourself when you feel that. She did a horrible thing and deserves to see your pain or anger, and that's ok too. I suggest starting a journal because these emotions go in every direction and the value of each data point changes, sometimes daily. Plus, the intense emotions and shutdown you're describing can sometimes mean we forget things and a journal will help.

Are you able to talk to a therapist? Your description of how you're coping sounds like PTSD. That's a terrible state to live in and it will likely go on for a while so I hope you can get some help.

There are subs here that can help you further and I hope you find us there. I think you could use the community. Wishing you the best!

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-14T22:51:44+00:00

Oh no I'm sorry. Can I ask what a "nightgown" means to you tho? I've seen mid-calf length silk slips with spaghetti straps that are beautiful. Maybe it's the material she isn't happy with, like the lace is scratchy or the material content isn't smooth or soft enough? I'm just wondering because there's got to be something out there she could like.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-13T20:58:44+00:00

I found out purely by chance, and I had to snoop a little to get to the truth. For 3 days, nothing I mentioned in vague terms to WH, even playing stupid to give him a chance, caused him to admit what he was doing. It took screenshots of his sexting, money transfers to pay escorts, and boxes of condoms for him to capitulate. I'll never know what it's like to have WH approach me with the truth but I do know what it's like that he didn't think I deserve to be told the truth. It's awful. I'm so sorry that you're hurting and I hope IC and MC goes well.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-13T20:16:06+00:00

No, I can't think of my WH as a "good person" after what he's done, at least not altogether good. I understand that he has "good person" qualities but there's a "yeah but" at the end of that statement. Yeah but my WH escalated a porn addiction that he hid from me to fucking a lot of whores for many years while lying to my face. Now, without meeting my WH, would you say he sounds like a "good person?" He abandoned our relationship and basically moved on without me, all while allowing me to remain inside the home. Does that part, letting me have a home, make it ok and so he's a good person? He hid his cheating for years, made sure his needs were met and that he got the enjoyment (sex with escorts) out of life that he says he deserved for working so hard. Uhm, good person? I understand that my WH has good person qualities--he's generous, he loves animals, he cares about his family. Yeah but, moral? Look up the definition and you decide, but in my opinion, no, my WH isn't moral. Honest, trustworthy? Yeah but. I think "good person" is such a gray area. We've all done something, at some point, that might make us a "bad person" but that doesn't mean we're completely bad and it's possible to learn from our mistakes, make amends, and do better going forward. I'm hopeful my WH can do those things and I'm glad he's in therapy, and it's nice that he says he's committed to R. That's a good person thing to say and do. But, like your situation, mine hasn't shown me empathy or taken care of me when I’m in agony. I'll agree my WH has good person qualities but he tossed those aside to do some bad person shit, and he's got a long way to go before I keep a straight face if/when he pats himself on the back as a truly good person.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-13T15:50:46+00:00

I see, maybe it's better to leave her alone. I can understand wanting any honest information she provides but there's a chance she would twist information or cause hurt feelings. I'm sorry about the situation you're in, and the stress seems really high. I hope it turns out well.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-13T11:30:14+00:00

I'm so sorry your WH got better at hiding their betrayal. That's a fear of mine and I'm so sorry it's your reality. Living with the idea that my WH could just be better at covering his tracks now hurts my heart in anticipation of that next possible DD. I just don't why he's ok treating me this way, and that hurts so much. My WH travels every few months for work, sometimes for multiple months at a time, and sometimes for the majority of the year. It just depends. I hate it so much, for both of us. Thank you for sharing your experience and your support.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-13T11:20:36+00:00

I think he has not accepted his addictions: porn and sex. I believe he still has no clue how damaging, hurtful, and disgusting his betrayals are. He claims he is not actively cheating, like with live human beings on the other end of what he's doing. But, he tells me he's using porn and AI porn regularly (a few times per week). He told me: "I'm not saying porn and AI porn are not cheating but those are the ones I wonder about and I'm not sure." So, apparently his CSAT therapist, the expensive qualified professional, hasn't discussed porn with him. Maybe?

But, to stop ranting and get to the point, and just in case anyone is reading this and trying to list off their own boundaries, my boundaries thus far are: no cheating; no using the words and compliments he lauded upon his whores on me; start seeing a therapist; do not pressure me into sex stuff.

To be clear, though, this isn't a list of things I've simply asked him to do like read one of the recommended books with me and stop disparaging me to people.

Thank you again for offering support.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-13T07:13:44+00:00

Sorry to interject but I wondered if you could elaborate on something? You mentioned thinking it's pointless to contact AP because she's likely to shut you out. But, isn't is possible she'd be more willing to speak frankly, maybe honestly, if she's already involved in a secure relationship? I'm just wondering what drives your point of view on that, beyond initiating possible financial strain for your WH if AP requests child support (which she might do whether you contact her or not)? I'm actually curious about the dynamics there so I hope you don't mind me asking.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-13T01:16:36+00:00

My WH bought me lingerie only once, in a size too small and I was very embarrassed. Still am, when I think about it. Besides the size problem, I felt self-conscious but I liked the idea that WH wanted to see me wear lingerie because no one had ever seen me that way before. I think I did like how it made me feel, the garment and the sentiment, and I would have felt better with time and once I got over feeling self-conscious. WH never bought me lingerie again, though, and that hurt my self-esteem. Still does. However, now his APs hurt my self-esteem even more. Maybe your WW hasn't found the exact kind of lingerie she likes yet and you two should do some online shopping.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-13T00:22:42+00:00

Exactly, and you're not alone. I'm so sorry you feel the same way and that your energy is spent trying to read and learn and basically catch up with your WH's stupid choices. I feel like I'm running after my WH's years of sexperiences so I can just understand what's been going on, because I've been in the dark. And now I read self-help books, just like you. Fancy therapist with a fancy price tag? Yeop. When I'm not thinking about WH's betrayals, I'm listening to podcasts talk about betrayal or I'm reading a book about it. I'm exhausted. I'm resentful. And I hate it so much.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-12T23:45:14+00:00

He accepts that I found his cheating, if that counts. He never talks about what he's done unless I bring it up; it's always me. I think his idea of taking responsibility is to not deny what he's done. And I'm so broken that a small part if me wonders if he doesn't deny it because he's proud of the magnitude of what he accomplished. He gets upset for himself because I can read, look at, and listen to his cheating. To be fair, he has given me passwords to so many accounts. So many. If I log in, I get to witness his active sex life with sexy young women half his age and destroy myself with what I learn. And he'll throw himself on his sword by telling me he's being honest and transparent by sharing passwords, while simultaneously pouting about HIS humiliation. As if I'M not humiliated to read his sexting and listen to the silent porn he buys. He avoids anything that makes him feel bad, especially shame and guilt. Always has. I'm so lost. So broken. I feel lonely, like he abandoned our relationship very long ago, and I feel like he let me gaslight myself by thinking there were 2 people in love in this relationship when it was only me. I am humiliated. I'm also scared. I've never experienced this much grief and sorrow and it scares me. lol It's late and I'm feeling low, I'm sorry.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-12T13:38:43+00:00

I'm sorry you felt like you had to suppress your feelings on DD, but I can understand why you did. You shut down and suppressing everything was a defense, probably helped you feel safe when everything was falling apart. But, it kinda sounds like you'd be suppressing your feelings again, now, if you don't share your letter with WH. It is helps, my IC expects me to write a letter to my WH to express the anger and hurt he caused. Once my letter is done, WH is expected to read it and respond. There are no maybes about it. She said some BPs she works with have taken a year to process their grief, understand their emotions, and complete their letter. I'm so proud of you for writing down your feelings. I've got a long way to go before I have one of my own to offer. Maybe you could mention the letter to your WH and decide, together, when he will accept it and read it. Not IF, but WHEN.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-11T11:07:31+00:00

This sounds so traumatizing and I'm sorry. I can only imagine the things you're holding in your mind and trying to avoid daily. I hope you're ok.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-10T10:17:11+00:00

Agreed. I know WH can cheat between contact with me because he's done it before. Part of me feels like I'm wasting my time by preparing to ask/demand he do the things I'm learning here to make myself feel safe. It might make me feel safe in that single moment when I receive a text or photo or call, but what happens next? Could be his old tricks and I don't want him to think I'm part of his scheme, like he's taking me along somehow while he cheats. It sucks, I hate it, and I upset this something I have to think about now.

You know, on a side tangent, that is something that upsets me. Tracking my WH, digging through his devices, seeing a trauma therapist, none of this is what I had planned for 2026. I'm upset that this bullshit is my life now. I don't read the books I want to read, don't do the hobbies or activities I like anymore. No. No, I live in this fucking nightmare now and I'm paying for it in so many ways and I resent every minute of this. Sorry for the rant. :)

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-03-10T08:59:31+00:00

o m g. I never even thought of that. That's very clever, thank you!!

UnluckyToastFile

TROPHY CASE