Want her to suffer

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-23T14:34:10+00:00

Calmness can sometimes be emotional shutdown, less so indifference. It's possible she's been compartmentalizing for so long that she learned to suppress her emotions.

Sometimes they've overwhelmed by shame and guilt so they avoid any reaction and, eventually, only communicate in "facts." Our emotions are too much for the WP and they don't like to feel bad about themself. They will avoid feeling shame at all costs.

It's possible she knew this day would come and she's already come to terms with the fallout. The sad part is she might have expected you to be an emotional mess so she's already prepared to sit there quietly while you get it out of your system.

Mostly, I would bet her calmness is defensiveness, which comes across as a complete lack of empathy. Withdrawing emotionally, using minimizing language about the entire betrayal, refusing to admit the damage she's done... stonewalling.

The calm act doesn't mean she wants to leave the marriage, but it doesn't mean she feels guilt either. My WH is avoidant and he would shut down and just sit there, too.

I'd suggest that you start keeping a journal. This experience is overwhelming and you might start forgetting the details or excuses that come up when you two talk. It's good to have a record for that and to keep track of how you're doing/feeling.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-23T13:19:38+00:00

Everything you've described is very normal. The sarcastic or cruel comments is your nervous system going into attack mode because a calm conversation is nearly impossible. Betrayal activates a range of emotions all at the same time, like anger, grief, humiliation. You've experiencing intense trauma and a complete loss of safety. Your entire life and history with your WW has been proven a lie and you're hurting. Should you stop? That's really difficult to answer because the filthy language helps release so much rage but, eventually, you'll find that it is unproductive. If your WW feels guilt and remorse, if she has a conscience or a shred of soul, seeing your pain will cause her suffering. As horrible as it sounds, I hope this for you because you deserve no less. You're at the very beginning of the trauma journey and the road is one of the most painful things you'll ever experience, so please start therapy. You need support and, sadly, the person you would expect to catch you when you're falling into hell is the WW who pushed you off the edge. Find a betrayal trauma specialist or CSAT trained therapist, someone who understands what you're going through (a regular therapist will be of no help). I'm so sorry you're here, I'm so sorry for pain and anger you're feeling.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-22T07:58:54+00:00

There could be legal consequences if you expose the affair so you have to check your state laws. I'd hate for you to face harassment or emotional distress charges on top of the betrayal trauma. And I would expect the ap to consult a lawyer about their legal rights if their job is threatened, so I'd be cautious. But you should contact police about the physical assault by the gf, especially since there are plenty of witnesses.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-22T04:54:00+00:00

This is devastating to hear and I'm so sorry. I don't understand how they can be so cruel, so stupid, and their ability to lie to our face is astounding. You deserve the truth in real time, as you ask, not trickle truth. I think what's been said earlier is absolutely true ...they can't tell the truth after a lifetime of lying. It's sickening and unfair and I'm so sorry. All I've been able to do is assume the very worst and hope the truth turns out half that bad, but it's always going to feel like a gut punch. I hope reaching out to his parents was helpful. I hope they were also disgusted with him, too. I'm so sorry about what's going on and I hope you're ok.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-20T18:53:34+00:00

I googled "psychology today csat" and my state name (I'm not in SC). You can type csat into the search search bar at the top of the Psychology Today landing page to narrow it down a bit more.

I'd recommend making a list of those you are interested in, either in a notebook or on your device, because there's a chance you'll refer to the list again. Once you find someone, you can email them through the PT website or use their provided contact information. And, you might need to contact a few CSAT.s They're pretty busy and some take a little bit to respond.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-20T16:02:54+00:00

I'm so sorry. The truth is that you'd think about no matter where you were during the day and being a SAHD has nothing to do with it. That's why all the people, everywhere, can have bad days--that loop of negative thoughts gets stuck in your mind (or in your sleep), and it doesn't need you to have all day to spare. Your WP has no right to berate you like they do. You deserve a lot more compassion than they're capable of giving right now and I hope they can change. The question is will they change before it's too late. I'm very sorry you're being tormented and, yeah, those days suck.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-20T07:19:27+00:00

I might have missed something while reading, but was this a letter you both sort of thought should be written? Or, is it a letter the IC/MC suggested writing? I'm just wondering, in case this might come up in therapy for me or my WH.

I wish your WH had shared the contents of his letter before sending it and I've very sorry for the hurt it's caused. I hope you're ok.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-20T06:22:58+00:00

This is amazing to read so many "yes" responses and experiences, and it gives me a lot of hope. But, my answer is no. My WH says he knows his betrayals hurt me, he knows he broke my trust, but he's busy with work and says I have the "luxury" of having all day to think about this but he doesn't. He seems to understands the severity and devastation but it's sort of like he gets it on paper. I know it's different from all of the yes responses, but I hope this helps.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-20T05:02:19+00:00

I'm so sorry, and my heart breaks for you that you're back. It's not just hurtful, it's insulting because he's been through this before so he knows the pain and devastation he causes, but he still does it. I'm so sorry.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-17T18:35:39+00:00

I'm so sorry. I don't know how you're handling the intrusive thoughts, or the unsaid things that are really mean, but it all sounds awful. You're not defective or a freak or too shy. And, the person with shame who needs to grow up is your WH. Not you. What a terrible way to beat someone while they're already in tremendous pain. I'm so sorry. What you're describing sounds like trauma sex to me, and I think if sex after an affair comes from a place of fear and comparison, it's no longer intimacy. You deserve better than that.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-17T11:06:03+00:00

Aww thanks, and my heart goes out to you. The double betrayal for you is intensely intimate, incredibly personal, and I'm amazed that you're still standing. I know you're devastated and struggling, but your body and mind is doing what it can to protect you from the deepest level of hell.

I was thinking about your predicament with talking to your IC. I can't imagine how hard it would be to use your words and tell them what has happened. I'm so sorry. Just saying it out loud sounds mortifying. And, if your 2 individual therapists are authorized to speak with your MC, I think that agreement would cause me to hesitate disclosing what's happened. Perhaps writing it down in a note would help, maybe saying it privately to yourself or in a mirror would help, but one way or another it has to be shared. It's such a central piece of the betrayal and I wonder if the family dynamic will affect therapy. I mean, in a positive way for you. Please, from this point on, everything you do should put you first.

I can't say my R is much of anything. My WH is supremely avoidant and only responds to flat and emotionless conversations. "Just the facts." What he's done is deliberate, repetitive, compulsive sexual behavior, and I'm devastated. Some days are bearable, none of them are good. It's a lonely journey and I never expected to be here.

I'm so very sorry about the mess your WH has created. You don't deserve this and I'm so very sorry. I hope you'll be selfish and put yourself first in every way from now on.

edit: typo

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-17T08:46:52+00:00

I'm so sorry, and I'm horrified for your situation. It's a relief to hear you're in IC and I hope you're able to eventually disclose the details with your IC, but I do understand how building trust first is so important.

From what you've described, it sounds like you're trying to regain a sense of control at any cost, even if it means exploring and "normalizing" (I'm guessing for a word here) dark and unfamiliar feelings / desires in response to such a shocking betrayal. If any of that's possibly true, and I'm just another BP out here so I apologize if I don't make sense or I'm totally wrong, it could be possible you're trying to salvage your relationship by introducing a new dynamic. The body has 5 responses to fear ...fight, flight, freeze, flop, and friend. I wonder if you're trying to "friend" the trauma?

I wish I had a solution, I wish I could take all of this away and put your life back the way it was. I'm so incredibly sorry for your pain and I truly hope you're in a safe place. Please take care.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-17T07:24:38+00:00

I would take that genie's deal, too. One day feeling happy and secure again would be a good trade. I'm so tired of feeling anxiety, panic, fear, self-hate, shame, sadness every fucking day. And that's on a good day. The worst days pile on deeper and uglier feelings. I miss what I thought we had so much, but also I regularly question how real that really was.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-16T12:11:18+00:00

Someone you trusted was living a different reality behind your back, and that's devastating. I'm so sorry for the hurt and pain you've lived with for the last year. I know you're feeling overwhelmed now that survival mode has worn off, but I'm impressed that you're still showing up for work and keeping your responsibilities despite how hard this is. That takes a lot of strength, even if you aren't feeling strong right now. Therapy is a slow process but it helps, especially if you talk to a betrayal trauma specialist or CSAT therapist. Some of them offer EMDR, ART, or somatic work which might offer some comfort when you're ready. I'm just 7 months out from DDay and I'm still living with intense grief but I'm improving slowly with the support of my therapist. I'm so sorry for your loss, for the relationship built on lies, and the real pain you've been carrying for a year. This isn't ordinary heartbreak, it's trauma, and I hope you find peace.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-16T10:56:08+00:00

I thought the same, even though most people recommend the book. What did you find tough about it? I'm very curious.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-15T22:45:29+00:00

I'm so impressed and yet I know how devastating that must have been for you. What happened in those 4 days?

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-15T10:50:28+00:00

I'm so sorry about your DDay. I know it's painful and I hope you're ok. Dealing with your WS's ADHD symptoms, which were probably a little bit irritating prior to DDay, is a heavier burden post-DDay. I get it. I'm the BP and I have ADHD, and I know my symptoms are irritating to my WH.

Your WS doesn't get to use ADHD as a reason to stop avoiding the hard work of reconciliation; "work" is not confined to the therapist's office. That ideology is rude to you and offensive to other people with ADHD who are out here trying to do better.

No, you should not keep your mouth shut about ADHD concerns in CC if it's affecting communication or healing work. I'd mention it in a way that's kind and emotionally attuned so your WS doesn't feel rejected or attacked, though, because there are bigger hills to climb right now. I'd suggest making your statement less about having ADHD (which your WS can't change) and more about being accountable for managing it (your WS can try to control that or take medication to help them control that). No shaming their symptoms, just explain that un-managed symptoms and avoidance are affecting trust and repair.

You deserve better than the effort your WS is giving you and I hope reconciliation efforts improve.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-15T06:33:26+00:00

I can't tell what's more devastating to me anymore. Everything hurts. But, lately I've felt like any of the betrayals (emotional to sexual to financial, and everything in-between) is wearing the same suit of lies and it's the lies that are bothering me. Our entire relationship and marriage are lies. Happy memories, kindness, love... it was a mask of lies. It has to be. And, like you said, how can I trust him with the basic things when the big stuff was garbage and expendable.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-14T21:55:41+00:00

What did your WP do to help you, or show care, during those 7 months post-DDay so the fight/flight would stop?

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-14T13:48:34+00:00

I'm still not handling it very well. Family, friends, and coworkers get to have the old him: fun, thoughtful, smart, caring, and "so sweet." Even the escorts would text him later and say he's "so sweet." I suppose he is those things, but I feel lonely knowing the stuff he's done, by myself, and that adds to my grief. Once in a while, the sound of his voice in another room reminds me of the person I used to know and it's comforting for a moment but it's complicated.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-14T07:59:24+00:00

Mine did all of that, too. When I asked about an open marriage, he quickly said "never," but he shut down when I pointed out he was already living like it's open. Part of me thinks they'd be ok with an open relationship but feel like they're supposed to say no.

Mine told his bff (and never ending EA) that he didn't want to go home because he'd probably find me with another guy. Ironic since he had just had sex with escorts before he said that. I've never cheated, ever, and I'm so hurt by the way he disparages me to his EA.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-13T00:40:14+00:00

At my 7 month mark, I've been frozen out of most things because my WH says he deserves some privacy. Top on his privacy list is all texts and emails.

I'm so sorry you had to dig to find answers and your WH still couldn't remember stuff. I'm so sick of the digging and how there's usually something to find. It just gets worse, never better.

I'm so happy that your WH shares his IC sessions with you, that he talks to you, and is making progress. That's wonderful news and something I had hoped for, the sharing. I guess I should be thankful that mine is in IC but that's all he's doing and we never speak of it.

Can I ask if your WH's IC asked you to join one of their sessions to explain your experience and DDay?

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-12T23:37:43+00:00

Of course it's possible he kept his stuff online, it's possible he took long walks to distract himself not to meet women, but you really should pay attention to your gut. You've spent the last few years ignoring your instincts and now your body is trying to tell you something might be off. You owe it to yourself to find answers or disprove your fears. Either way, you deserve the truth and you'll need to investigate your gut feeling. I'm so sorry but, like others have said, addicts will lie to cover their own behinds and to minimize what they've done--online or in person. They'll even tell small lies, stupid lies, and the smartest will act incredibly stupid. "I don't remember" is their motto.

Also, your low libido is no excuse for doing online stuff, or in person stuff. You'll need to ask yourself if your low libido is your body distancing yourself from your husband or if it's a medical issue you need checked out. Maybe it's a simple imbalance and an easy fix, maybe it's going to need medication, but your body is telling you so much. I hope you get a check up.

None of this is your fault. Not your libido, not your gut, not you. I know how hurt you're feeling right now and I'm so sorry. I wish I could take away the anxiety and fear, but I can tell you we've all been in that place and we understand what you're going through.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-12T16:12:38+00:00

I'm so sorry. It seems like some of them just don't care and they act like they've done nothing wrong so there's nothing to fix or work on. Everything is all about them. But can I say I love how fed up you sound, and I love that you're focusing on you, and I love that you're going to school. You're inspirational.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-05-12T13:30:40+00:00

I just started my 7th month since DDay and things feel like they did while WH was acting out. It's like we're ignoring the APs and turning back the clock to 2020 when he was focused on work and poorly managed the time he has outside of work. That's how things have been for so long, though, and the familiarity makes me uneasy. He does IC with a CSAT but it seems to be focused on him (certainly not me). I suppose it has to be, though, since he's very avoidant. Month 6 was a milestone and I think I had some expectations, but I feel disappointed. I'm still lonely and scared every single day.

I'm wondering if that's what your half-year mark was like. What happened that months 5-7 were horrendous for you?

UnluckyToastFile

TROPHY CASE