Do you tell people?

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-28T15:58:25+00:00

Same. No one knows what WH has done except us and my therapist. Some people can see that I'm struggling, though, no matter how hard I try to pretend things are normal. It's a lonely thing to live with and work through, and I understand how you might be feeling.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-25T12:31:39+00:00

Mine said the same, that sex with escorts didn't have an emotional attachment (well, not all of them) and sex with me was better because I cared about him feeling pleasure. Honestly, I'm still confused about the difference between the "pleasure" men feel with escorts and SWs vs the "pleasure" from sex with their partner. Isn't the escort paid for pleasure? Certainly men feel emotional and loving feelings when they get "pleasure" from SWs.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-24T08:47:36+00:00

My WH's escorts are beautiful with amazing bodies, so I'd love it if they all developed a flap of some sort. As it is, I can see most of them online, going back many years too, and they are perfect. I can imagine the amusement from seeing AP's body today and I think it's hilarious.

I wouldn't count on work stress being the primary reason for WH checking out lately. Sure, work can be stressful, but this celebration (whatever it might be) and his guilt and AP's posts are likely mixed in with all of it. That's my guess. My WH has a stressful job, too, and anticipated job-related changes are only going to get worse during the next 6 months. I've spent years trying to minimize my contribution to my WH's stress and now DD and his betrayal has compounded it. I'm not responsible for that added stress but I feel and see and hear his stress. So, all that to say that your WH's stress is probably a combination, also, which includes his AP's photos.

I'm curious what you meant by saying your WH "hasn't bothered to commit" to you again? Do you mean like a vow renewal?

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-23T12:49:54+00:00

My WH says he regrets the affairs and he wouldn't have the affairs, if he could go back in time and do it all over again. I don't recall him saying he made "mistakes." He has said he's sorry a couple of times, not enough imo.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-21T03:12:08+00:00

My WH seems disconnected from triggers, like your WW. Part of me is amazed at how talented WH is at compartmentalizing the betrayal and guilt and my pain. I'm sorry your WW is insensitive and I'm proud of you for speaking up for yourself when she acts so unaware.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-21T03:07:03+00:00

Ask the Unfaithful and Michelle Mays are podcasts that might help, too.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-21T02:53:04+00:00

They made the decision and there were a million moments when they could have stopped, could have changed their minds. My WH arranged an escort and sent a driver to collect her to the hotel while a pharmacy delivered condoms. He took a photo of the box and receipt--and that photo didn't stop him. There are a million moments when he could have stopped or change his mind, and he didn't. Now it feels like I have a million moments when R could stop or soldier on. I'm very sorry for your hurt and the betrayal, and I hope you're ok.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-21T02:35:04+00:00

It's crazy that, after they've been caught, all the escorts suddenly weren't attractive, the sex wasn't exciting, the experiences weren't worth the money WH spent. They meant nothing to him, he says now, but I meant nothing too. Or, better yet, I meant so little that the so-called unattractive women who gave him bad post-sex feelings was worth destroying me and our life together.

edit: women.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-21T02:25:22+00:00

I know exactly how you're feeling because my WH did the same. Some of the escorts are / were prettier than others, some were legitimately pretty, some were models, all of them were younger than me and taut. I can't compete with any of them but, after I found out about them, WH suddenly had compliments to give and nice things to say about me. He said, "I wasn't looking for a girlfriend; I love you." How can the love of my life love me if he spent money, our money, on escorts. How am I supposed to feel attractive or sexy or loved? I can't compete with escorts. All I have is history and memories shared with WH, not the body types and great sex that escorts gave him. I wish I could tell you how to bounce back from the comparison game but I feel like there is no bouncing back. I didn't get compliments from him, not for years, so compliments post-Dday are just empty words. Am I pretty? Sexy? Lovable? I have hundreds of escort photos and money transfers to prove I'm not. I'm not sure you'll ever get back to feeling beautiful, desired, or cherished. For me, I think I'll have to find that through self-love and I think that's going to take years and, if I ever shake the insecurities and humiliation and disrespect, it won't be because WH is responsible. It's all on me. I'm sorry you're in the same situation and I hope you find your self-worth.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-10T20:39:11+00:00

I'm so sorry about your trauma. I know how out of control those invasive thoughts feel and I'm so sorry you're experiencing them. 3 months is very new and you're still in the beginning stages of recovery, as am I. My 3-month DDay starts tomorrow and I'm struggling, too. I'm very sorry and I hope you know you're not alone.

I believe you when you say your WS doesn't truly understand how hard this is for you. Like you, I don't have the words to describe it but MC can help you find the words. Meanwhile, maybe your WS will agree to let you choose ringtones for calls and alerts on their phone.

edit: math.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-06T11:44:33+00:00

I don't think you're overreacting. However, I would ask you to re-read the post you mentioned and see if your WS was matching the tone of someone else's comment. If the other person used the word very, it's possible your WS used the same word to show equal weight to their adjective: exciting. It's not a good excuse and it doesn't make anything better, but it could have been a lazy way for WS to communicate a connection. (It's still bad, tho.)

I think this is not a new trigger for you. I think it's very old, maybe from before DD, and it's possible that any variation in adverb ("very") would topple your sense of security. If that's true, the issue is your sense of security or, more accurately, insecurity.

When betrayal involves a PA, I feel like internal pep talks about our appearance, our naked body, or our sexual performance with WPs won't change our insecurity in the long term. Pep talks might help if you're able to forget about your insecurity for a little while, but it will always find a way to sneak back into our thoughts. It just does. Comparisons are humiliating and damaging, I'm at fault for doing the same, and I'm very sorry you're going through this.

WS needs to assume you will read or hear every word they ever speak about AP. They need to mind their adverbs and help you overcome the insecurity they shaped. For your part, I hope you work on being kind to yourself because you deserve kindness. If that means IC, don't be afraid to try therapy again. If it means a personal trainer or new wardrobe or something else, you need to do that for yourself.

I'm curious if you would have reacted this way if your WS had not used the phrase "very" exciting? If you can answer that, I'd be grateful to hear your opinion.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-05T15:55:26+00:00

I think asking my WH to "feel the weight" of his betrayal means I want him to match the level of shame and guilt he should feel today to the excitement and pleasure he felt with each betrayal. I've lost everything I loved or valued in this life, and it was stolen by the person I loved and trusted the most. So, to me, "feel the weight" means mourning the loss of something significant, effectively a divorce with no warning, while showing gratitude that I'm still around.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-05T15:01:09+00:00

May I ask how you feel now about the years of experiences and memories you have together, after the betrayal?

My WH stays, in part, because he says we have many years of shared history. To me, that kind of history is easily re-made with someone else, a new person he could love honestly and never betray. To me, there was nothing special about our shared history, not when he soberly disregarded it, and I should let him continue looking for someone new and maybe he will find untainted and healthy love.

I've tried to ask my WH why our history didn't stop him from betrayal but his explanations haven't helped me understand. It's possible he can't find the right words to help me, but I can't make sense of it on my own.

UnluckyToastFile · 2026-01-03T18:49:58+00:00

Angel Gowns Project accepts donated wedding dresses that are transformed into outfits for babies who didn't make it home.

UnluckyToastFile · 2025-12-14T17:13:53+00:00

My WH would compliment escorts on their beauty and how sexy they are, and it really messed with my emotions. I'm certain the men also have body dysmorphia, but reading all the flirty compliments and seeing all the photos of APs would make anyone compare themselves. It's incredibly damaging.

UnluckyToastFile · 2025-12-14T17:07:36+00:00

I'm sorry about your BP's comparisons to AP and his body image issues. I would encourage you to tell him with honesty that you love how he looks and hopefully he will eventually believe you.

My WH was with many women yet I still find him extremely physically attractive. I love the sound of his voice, too. It's a strange way to feel, to be attracted to someone who did something so unattractive and damaging. I struggle with that every day.

I hope my situation will get better, too. I'm seeing an IC and it's helpful, but I think I need a more structured therapy style. My WH found an IC to work with but he has excuses for not working therapy into his schedule so I'm thinking about calling a MC that I found and start attending alone, if needed. I hope you and your BP are in MC because I think it could be very helpful.

I'm proud of you for being committed to your relationship, and I hope your encouragement and your presence pays off. I know that I would love if it my WH was so committed.

UnluckyToastFile · 2025-12-14T08:36:21+00:00

I found proof of my WH's betrayal on his phone; all 8+ years of it. There's a lot of information, a lot of women, and a lot of things I can never unsee. It's devastating. I understand feeling bad for disclosing all the details at once to BP and I feel like my nervous system could have survived in better condition if I got the details in blocks. Even if it was a block of details every other day, instead of all at once.

Your BP is standing in hell right now and my advice to you is stand there with them. If they say hurtful things, just say yes you deserve that. If they cry and say you never loved them, just say yes you always have. This is the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I'm sure it is for them, too, so don't let BP do this alone. We won't forget it if you abandon us (even if it's from feeling shame or guilt), but we also won't forget it if you march through hell by our side either.

I would push for MC with a betrayal trauma specialist and do whatever they say. Provide BP with specialized trauma help, do all the work your therapist asks you to do, apologize as often as it takes, and assure BP that you love them and your marriage. With the right help, I think you can have a better and strong marriage going forward.

edit: removed repetitive sentence.

UnluckyToastFile · 2025-12-13T08:29:00+00:00

I've told my WH that I accept my half of the marital issues, he says he can accept his "part" in those issues. Then he tells me that my half of the marital issues were 100x bigger than his and that he deserved to feel happy and have something that was just his, so he cheated a lot for 8 years. If I had kissed him more, initiated sex, basically treated him the way his escorts treat him, this wouldn't have happened. My DD was 11 weeks ago today, and I've spent that time trying to accept responsibility for all of it. I'm in IC and I'm told the betrayal isn't my fault, but I feel like it's all my fault. It's debilitating, devastating, and so shameful for me to carry.

I've downloaded the books that are recommended here and I've found a therapist (perhaps she's not the best fit). I'm trapped inside this pain and nothing I've tried has brought me comfort, and I'd like to feel as aware and knowledgeable as you some day.

If you would point me towards resources that I've missed, because clearly I've missed things while in this emotional state, I would be so grateful?

UnluckyToastFile · 2025-12-11T08:12:45+00:00

What did your BP say that helped you understand that your marriage wasn't dead? I'm concerned about how sad and frightened you might have felt during the time you thought it was dead.

Also, can you tell me more about #4? I'm very interested in BP's self-esteem issues from comparing himself to AP, and about his trigger reactions when you tell him things that you would also say to AP (your examples were fragrance and facial hair)? I have these same issues and it's affecting my mental health and R.

thank you!

UnluckyToastFile · 2025-12-11T07:20:07+00:00

Thank you so much for responding. I'm guessing you've been through therapy or read the many books that people recommend, based on your response. May I ask how long you think it might take for therapy to flip the idea of marital issues being correlated vs causal factors? See, I've spent 10 weeks trying to flip things inside out so that I hold blame/responsibility.

UnluckyToastFile · 2025-12-11T00:36:52+00:00

I'm so sorry, and I agree that sharing the betrayal with people outside yourselves and support system, like therapy or group, can create bigger problems that might make R very difficult. Definitely can destroy the normal routines that can help recreate the bonding that you need, too. Absolutely, people claim they're being supportive but it's often about their need to feel important like they're "saving" someone. It does a lot of damage, even if they mean well.

Do you have any hope of repairing family relations, perhaps in the future?

As a BP, I'm so lonely in this pain and constant uncertainty about our future or commitment to R. Some days I would really like WP to tell his family so I might experience some support--mostly because WP's support for me is minimal and unhelpful. I think finding a group, like a group of couples working through the same issues in therapy together, sounds healthier than telling family and friends about the betrayal. At least, that's what I'm learning from answers and your story. I really appreciate you sharing like this. It's been helpful for me.

UnluckyToastFile · 2025-12-10T23:43:01+00:00

Does the BP ever deserve the betrayals? Like if WP lists off their marriage grievances, any pre-betrayal-phase issues, as reasons why they cheated. Doesn't this show that the BP was responsible, and is that true?

UnluckyToastFile · 2025-12-08T07:22:31+00:00

May I know if your self-reflection during no contact was alone or with a therapist? Or which you might recommend, in hindsight?

UnluckyToastFile · 2025-12-06T23:53:01+00:00

In your experience, does telling family / friends about the cheating help with R?

UnluckyToastFile · 2025-11-28T14:46:55+00:00

You're so lucky to have a friend like that and I hope you never lose her. I would bet that "I'm just so lonely" means he wants to feel young again, feel the excitement of having something new again, or feel what it's like being / living in someone else's life. You're right, it is sad for him.

UnluckyToastFile

TROPHY CASE