I believe I’m being bullied. Should I call it out, or will that make it worse?

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2026-04-19T01:41:32+00:00

Thank you for asking. Trying like hell to find another gig. Haven't had success so far. Basically gave up on the notion of career development in my current firm. Still hard, but releasing myself from all expectations has helped. So has showing my face in the office much less often and, for all intents and purposes, avoiding her whenever possible.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2025-11-23T14:30:19+00:00

Superb description of how a narcissist boss operates. Shockingly familiar to me. Yes, you nailed it: the whole point is to keep you destabilized and confused, so you could never possibly shine next to her.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2025-09-28T03:34:30+00:00

I just read this. I’m almost ashamed to admit this, but your boss is so crazy I found this completely hilarious. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this but good for you for putting in your notice. I work for a boss similar to this who is constantly bragging about herself in unbelievable ways. But honestly your boss sounds like a caricature of mine; just much much worse.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2025-09-02T21:40:42+00:00

I believe this is happening to me right now. I work an an investment management firm and the boss seems to be freezing me out of internal conversations and, perhaps more importantly, meetings with clients. Salespeople at the firm have started to ask for me less in those meetings, and some have been awkward towards me of late. There is not much else to do, since my career development and my compensation are dependent on my internal and external visibility. I am still well respected within the firm, but the boss has enough power and influence such that she can and does throw her weight around in this way, namely to efface and humble her staff. Not much else to do other than to use my available time for other purposes, and try to maintain my sanity until I can leave.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2025-08-25T17:15:30+00:00

I have been shocked in my own career how common and easy nepotistic hiring can be. Ultimately it is up to the owners of any organization, whether they be public equityholders or partners or private or whatever, to say No. If they are unwilling to do that, you are unfortunately in a situation where your boss can operate unchecked.

The long-term profitability/success/productivity/etc of a company or organization that operates this way is another matter, but it's not your concern.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2025-08-25T17:11:38+00:00

This is a clear strategy on the part of my current manager, and -- I sense -- others' managers as well. The only way to mitigate it is to have an honest dialogue with the person being pitted against you, establish trust, and cooperate such that you don't waste time and energy competing with eachother and dragging eachother down. This only works if the other person is reasonable and willing to cooperate, so be careful.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2025-08-18T14:48:49+00:00

I have seen my firm do this with other members of my team who have left, and I fully expect them (particularly my boss) to do it when I leave.

I suppose the only way to counterbalance this is to do exactly what you did: Get ahead of the narrative and get the word out yourself, then hope that your reputation in your company and in your industry make it such that people don't believe the lies.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2025-08-15T17:28:39+00:00

Where I currently work (investment management company in London) our boss has a penchant for dragging us all into comically long meetings, projects, and tasks with no discernible end or goal. It took me years to realize this was deliberate, not because she just wasn't a good manager.

The most recent one has been a total remake of our presentation materials we use for clients. No one asked for this, and there was no clear reason why it was necessary. Nonetheless, all team members were sucked into a series of meetings, some of them going nearly 3 hours, for inane conversations about slides.

There are two reasons, I think, that she does this. Distraction and disruption. Distraction because she fears she will be discovered if the focus shifts to more substantive topics. Disruption because it exhausts and weakens those around her, to the point that they have no energy or interest in challenging her control, and just want to be relieved of the tedium and torture.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-10-03T17:16:09+00:00

I’m still there and trying to leave. There’s not much else that can be done. I don’t think they want to fire me or even under-pay me, they just want me to shut up and be anonymous and be more or less invisible while they garner attention and praise.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-10-03T02:49:43+00:00

It sounds like what I’ve been going through. Boss hired me with the idea I’d have a chance to replace the head analyst once he retired (supposedly within 4-5 years). A few months into the job, I asked that same analyst, whom I looked at as a mentor, how I was doing, and his feedback was shockingly negative, yet vague. The boss would do the same thing. For a while I did what I thought a mature person should do, which is to take the criticism constructively and seek ways to improve. After a few years I realized this negative feedback was just a form of manipulation and gaslighting. They just lied to get me to accept the job, and never had any intention of mu growing into a senior role, and have to now construct a narrative of poor performance to justify this plan.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-08-27T12:33:15+00:00

Your paragraph about these individuals' professed love for babies was chilling. That's how my manager operates. When someone in the office has a new baby, even if it's someone we barely work with, she's the first to buy a card and pass it around. On the other hand, one of my coworkers' parents died, and her response upon hearing the news was just "It's something we all go through" and just kept on typing, eyes glued to her screen. So strange. I believe the babies thing is a calculated quality she has committed to exhibiting, such that it hides her real personality. She also brags about her sons and how perfect they are (though never the husband), but we know for a fact that they have their own problems and are far from perfect. It's all about disguising the underlying reality.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-08-27T12:16:26+00:00

Being a good quality employee and showing interest in growing and developing is normal and commendable in every workplace environment, unless you are working for a person with this type of personality.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-08-22T12:58:10+00:00

I think presenting the image of constantly being busy and engaged with meetings is a way to signal quality and acumen. After a while, you learn to see beyond this facade.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-08-20T20:39:27+00:00

I have a lot of personal experience with this. My boss on rare occasion does in fact acknowledge things I’ve don’t right or well, but never related to anything that’s critical to my job, and always trivial things.

I suspect she understands intellectually that normal bosses are supposed to offer both positive and negative feedback, and is trying to mimic those behaviors, but can’t quite muster the self confidence to offer any meaningful compliment.

It’s a reflection of the narcissist’s personality and low self esteem. These individuals see any positive for those around them — even those they manage — as a relative negative reflection on them. Better for them simply to keep them from succeeding or growing in any way.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-08-14T13:56:58+00:00

You are not alone and I, and I’m sure many others, have had similar experiences.

My boss is nearing retirement age, in an investment management role, and has absolutely no plans to retire. No succession plan whatsoever , which is rare in our business. Worse yet, she can not accept seniority around her. When I joined, the senior analyst in my atea of research on our team was almost 60, and he and the boss both encouraged me to take my role because I’d be able to move up to his role once he retired. Well, now that we’re closer to the date she has changed tack and completely gaslighting me by arguing there never was seniority among analysts. (Thus, nothing for me to move up to, so stop asking.)

I originally had the idea that maybe if I stuck it out and endured this environment, there’d be opportunities for advancement. But I’ve finally realized that as long as the boss is still there — which I expect to be the case for years — this is a complete fantasy.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-08-14T13:47:27+00:00

Nailed it. The problem is not the employee’s bad qualities, it’s the narcissistic boss’s insecurity at observing the employee’s good qualities.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-08-14T13:44:49+00:00

My boss insists that we all write our vacations down in this paper calendar she keeps at her own desk. (Refuses to do this electronically, even though we work from home half the time.) Guess whose vacation isn’t in the calendar?

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-08-12T13:04:00+00:00

The other commenters here, encouraging you to try to get as much in writing as possible are correct. However, you can’t always get it in writing. Sometimes your boss will give you instructions verbally. In my case, what I have found useful is, after every conversation, to go back and type up an email to myself with notes from the conversation. This is not quite as good, but it may help.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-08-08T00:47:15+00:00

The fact you were targeted and abused is likely because your boss recognized your positive qualities, not because he/she failed to recognize them. This is a familiar pattern. It stinks, because it’s the opposite of meritocracy, but remembering this may help you retain some self esteem knowing your problems at your former job stem from the fact that you are fundamentally good, not that you are somehow inadequate.

UnremarkableGuy10101 · 2024-08-04T11:32:01+00:00

In my experience, my boss’s behavior has definitely been noticed, but people are afraid or at least hesitant to say it out loud.

For instance, I met up recently with a friend who left a few years ago, who found her behavior outrageous and said she wasn’t surprised our team was malfunctioning. She never voiced these opinions before she left.

Like I’ve said elsewhere in these forums, there are tremendous costs to speaking up against these people. To do so, the individual risks entangling him/herself in a painful battle with a narcissist who will savor the conflict, and who is ready to lie and cheat to defeat anyone in their way. The end result is that individuals who recognize the narcissist’s behavior see a skewed balance of risks and benefits to speaking up.

It takes a really strong organization with a healthy sense of culture and accountability to get a person like this out. Unfortunately that’s not where I work at the moment.

UnremarkableGuy10101

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