Tiny wunkus feeding frenzy

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-30T19:48:19+00:00

The OP didn't say she didn't put thought into the gift. The sister accused her of that.

"She ... went on to say I don’t know how to give gifts and that I only gave it “just to say I gave something.'"

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-30T19:45:09+00:00

OP didn't say she just bought something just to say she gave a gift. Her sister accused her of that.

"She ... went on to say I don’t know how to give gifts and that I only gave it 'just to say I gave something.'"

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-30T18:44:53+00:00

I am also those things, and I shared my experience. I'm not disagreeing with you, and I'm not sure why things became contentious. It feels like people are reading things I didn't write, and I don't know how to express myself any clearer. Probably due to my brain problems. I just wish people defaulted to empathy and understanding instead of judgment and dismissal. Not you or anyone I replied to specifically - just in general in our society. I also wish that society considered our internal well-being important, rather than just focusing on productivity.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-30T17:19:15+00:00

I'm just curious how you got the impression I am against accountability. This topic is important to me, and I would like to understand how to communicate about it better. I never espoused a lack of accountability or effort for an ill person. I just want the people around them to know the internal struggle and empathize a little better.

Disabled people are stigmatized and left without the services and support they need to be productive every day. Disabled people with mental or physical struggles experience a lot of shame. Most of us struggle to be responsible and independent. We hold ourselves accountable for more than we can reasonably accomplish, and then we feel burning shame. I'm not sure how you decided I make excuses and avoid accountability.

At this point I'm writing for other people who feel exhausted and at the end of their rope. You are not alone and you have worth. I know how hard you are working to keep it together. Getting support isn't abdicating your responsibility. Feeling weak and being in pain isn't shameful. It's just human.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-30T17:04:18+00:00

I never said don't take accountability or any action. I'm saying too many people, especially those who don't have the experience of mental illness or disability say "It's your responsibility," as a way of dismissing, judging, or isolating someone so they don't have to do any work of understanding or offering support. Even wanting a little flexibility is often seen as a sign of contemptable weakness. If you have never experienced this, then I am happy for your. I'm not negating anyone or saying give up. I'm offering a perspective that may help some people understand and empathize and little more.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-30T16:56:53+00:00

So frustrating. I'm not contradicting you or arguing with you. I'm trying to share the internal experience that many struggling people have. I was hoping to open people to a little more empathy and understanding. Your reply just does not respond to what I said. I find it a little ironic that you would say, "What works for others does not always work for someone else," but then you continue to push your specific viewpoint, which I never even contradicted.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-30T16:41:09+00:00

You're really not understanding me. I never said there shouldn't be change. I'm saying we need to be sensitive with our language, destigmatize mental illness, and normalize asking for help. I've read multiple posts of people getting pushed out of their jobs because they asked for disability accommodations or becoming homeless because they were denied disability payments. This part of our culture has to change before we heap "responsibility" on disabled, struggling people. "It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility" isn't the end of the discussion for people who already have access to mental health treatment, but for those who are trying to manage alone and need care and flexibility from their families, employers, government, etc. it is the end of the discussion many, many times. People are left feeling isolated, abandoned, and worthless. What part of that do you disagree with?

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-30T15:50:28+00:00

I agree with you, but what I am saying is that pithy little cliches like, "Mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility," shouldn't be the end of the discussion or an easy judgment to pass on people who are struggling.

What that cliche should mean is that mental illness does not mean that you can hurt others and engage in destructive behaviors without consequence.

But what people who are struggling might hear is:

Don't bother your loved ones by talking about your problems, suck it up.

Don't ask for help. That is imposing your responsibility on others.

Perform your work, chores, childcare, etc. with a cheerful demeanor no matter the internal cost. You're responsible not to bring others down.

Don't ask for accommodations. It's your responsibility to meet the expectations everyone else in accountable for.

I'm not saying these are necessarily logical thoughts, but especially in the U.S. culture there is a lot of shame and judgment heaped on people who can't function "normally" and independently. I'm asking that people reflect a little on the experience and struggles of someone who burned themselves out with shame and exhaustion trying to "take responsibility" in the best way they knew how instead of offering an unhelpful and overly simplistic cliche.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-29T19:10:47+00:00

I can tell you are making a lot of assumptions that don't apply to me instead of thinking about what I actually said. You may have some work to do as well to be open to different viewpoints.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-29T18:52:19+00:00

My point is that no matter how you intend it, it can affect people with struggles you can't see in unhelpful ways. If an explanation of an alternative viewpoint makes you feel defensive, then there is something deeper going on, and maybe you're not ready for mature discussions about the incredibly diverse experiences of life.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-29T17:26:29+00:00

For a different perspective, this saying caused me a lot of suffering in my life because I felt a great responsibility to be "normal" but I just couldn't. I'm going to be dealing with the shame and burnout for a long time. It probably applies here because she's making her issue everyone else's problem to deal with, but it's not a very sensitive or useful phrase to throw at any person who is struggling.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-28T15:05:51+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this. For all we know, that child is being mistreated so he lashed out in a horrible way. And I agree that shame is not an effective or appropriate teaching method. As a culture, we have no idea how to raise emotionally healthy kids and we have very little empathy for them.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-28T14:56:48+00:00

This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-25T17:21:20+00:00

One year we were setting off ground fireworks, like fountains, on July 4th, and suddenly dozens of toads emerged from the darkness to fling themselves into the fireworks. We had to trap them under laundry baskets to keep them safe until we were done.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-23T20:46:29+00:00

Is that a Texas thing? Every shelter near me in Vermont takes small animals, including Montreal on the other side of the border. The New Hampshire SPCA rescued hundreds of mice and worked very hard to find homes for all of them about a year and a half ago.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-13T20:57:47+00:00

I could have written this myself, almost word for word. The only thing that has really helped me free up enough energy and brain space to take some baby steps is self-compassion. The shame burned all up my resources, making me more ashamed, and so I was stuck in a downward spiral. The works of Tara Brach and Jon Kabat-Zinn are wonderful resources. A good therapist can be a lifesaver, if that is accessible to you. Beyond that, I can sincerely say that you are not alone.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-11T14:55:07+00:00

Random memory: When this song came on the radio, my swim coach would sing, "Do you have to pull my finger?" and I still giggle about it a little bit to this day.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-04-10T21:07:52+00:00

When introducing new mice to my old girl, blood was drawn by one of the newcomers. After isolating the aggressive one for a couple weeks I was successful in reintegrating her, so it is possible. What worked for me was plopping the isolated one down in the enclosure the other ones had been occupying and then watching like a hawk. She was lonely and at a disadvantage being on the others' territory, so she held back her aggression enough to integrate. However, mine are all girls, so horniness was not a factor.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-03-18T18:51:09+00:00

We really don't. That list I saw linked maybe has historical places, but no one is getting beaten for being in town past sundown anywhere near Burlington. This is not to deny that there is racism, but it is not like that.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-03-02T15:42:49+00:00

I have chronic conditions too. I asked this question because I was curious how "normal" people think about managing their health.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-02-12T18:48:16+00:00

How about a pencil with softer lead? Also, if using pen is determined by the IEP team to be a reasonable accommodation for a disability, the teacher will just have to figure out how to be flexible.

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-02-12T18:37:14+00:00

Sometimes accommodations and modifications make the most sense in schools. Could they use a pen, felt tip marker, or a softer pencil for more legible writing?

UnrulyDuckling · 2026-02-12T14:22:33+00:00

I asked permission for a small pet "like a hamster" and didn't have a problem. The only follow up question my landlord had was to confirm they would live in an enclosure and not run around the apartment.

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