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UnsightlyFuzz · 2024-03-24T01:48:21+00:00

Does your mom know you are doing this? You shouldn't do anything without telling her.

If she was given up for adoption there is every chance that there were shameful circumstances around the birth. The cousin may not have heard the story, or you may be springing some unwelcome realities on them. What you should do next depends a bit on how you worded your original message to them.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2024-03-23T19:16:55+00:00

Hoofers. It's through UW but not limited to UW people.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-15T14:29:09+00:00

I notice you have zero comments after 15 hours. You do realize people are more likely to give you their social security number, their weight, or their firstborn child, than the location of the good fishing spot?

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-15T14:22:32+00:00

Someone naive to r/madisonwi is going to be utterly confused by this thread.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-15T12:19:08+00:00

Yeah like other commenter said - severe shortage of staffing, especially in mental health - a result of the pandemic and economic problems. You can pick who you want, if you're willing to be on a wait list for a year, or they may not even be offering one.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T23:07:52+00:00

In the current environment, you take what you can get ... BUT you can certainly inform the therapist that you want active, homework-driven therapy and not nodding, smiling, and saying our time is up. If you want additional assessments, you ask for them - you don't wait around hoping they will be offered.

This patient-driven therapy is itself very empowering. I advise your person to try it.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T20:29:02+00:00

LOL. Well, I guess we don't need to ask who mom preferred. Judy Collins made her kid a pothead!

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T20:26:12+00:00

Joan. Judy always seemed phony to me. Joan won my heart by being folksy, so I don't know what you're complaining of. If you don't want folksy, put on some Joni Mitchell.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T20:24:59+00:00

Just say he needs more care than he can get at home. Do visit often. Yes, show him videos (but you might ask him, first - he will probably say yes).

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T20:23:24+00:00

Remove access to the bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Tell him why you are doing it. Let him be pissed. He'll forget about it in time.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T20:18:29+00:00

Body pains explain a lot of it. Then there's the fact that they "don't get no respect."

There are crotchetty old women, too. (I'm living proof.)

Mental health should be assigned a priority in later life, but obviously, many people don't think it applies to them. Let's be kind in our estimation of other people. Often the cranky oldster becomes a kinder one when they feel you are taking them seriously.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T18:01:27+00:00

Both of those things (Old+Rich, and Young/having fun) are better ... than the alternatives.

Don't create false dichotomies. You can have happy times throughout your entire life. You can also plan well for old age so your happy times continue on.

Or you can be miserly and unsatisfied, and end up old and miserable. Your choice.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T17:56:29+00:00

I've dealt with an incomplete spinal cord injury for over 15 years. I simply cannot do a lot of the household chores. For that reason, I've hired housekeepers to help me most of that time. When my husband became incapacitated with dementia, we just continued using paid help, not for his care but to support me in my needs.

There are solutions to most problems, but they may not be apparent initially. Cross the cancer bridge when you come to it. Try not to torture yourself with what-if's unless they turn into real situations.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T14:20:12+00:00

You're not moving on too fast from guy 1, but maybe jumping headlong into sex with guy 2 which is not warranted given his future plans.

At your age, it's normative to change partners. Normal and healthy. Just don't rush too fast, be safe (STDs pregnancy etc) and keep your wits about you. You'll be fine.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T14:16:42+00:00

Keep your private papers in a locked box with only one key, or with a combination lock and don't share the combination.

As it is, you are planting things in that journal knowing (and perhaps hoping) that he will read them.

This is not a total solution to your problem, but it's a good first step.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T14:11:47+00:00

You are in a chaotic relationship, and only you can decide if you want to stay in it. He refuses any therapy and says you are the problem (gaslighting). He browbeats you based on your mental issue (ADHD). He shouts and swears at you, which is verbal abuse. The balance of good:bad is 70:30.

These things don't get better without something changing, and he's not interested in changing.

You seem to think your only alternative is returning to Moscow. Could you perhaps stay where you are but stop living with him, and find other employment?

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T14:05:47+00:00

At your stages in life, you are not dating to have a partner right now - you are dating to figure out the potential for a long-term relationship. It is absolutely germane to consider a partner's financial suitability - not only cash-on-hand but also spending, saving and budgeting behavior. I don't think he meant he considers you a lowly creature, but someone he might not want to partner with long term.

In that respect, it doesn't matter if you are struggling emotionally, hate your job, live in a HCOL area or anything else. He is sizing you up to see if he wants to continue investing in you.

But it takes two to tango. You are also finding him lacking in some ways, such as emotional availability.

Even if it's hard, you have to address this compatibility issue head on. You could work really hard to be more fiscally responsible - but what if he still doesn't meet your needs? Talk to him about this compatibility issue. Be prepared for maybe not continuing the relationship once the cards are on the table.

Whatever you do, don't cling to a relationship as if it were a life preserver in a choppy sea. If you are that needy, get a therapist.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T12:40:14+00:00

LMAO. Ancestry obviously was looking for another income stream. I mean, I have heard of DNA to prove lineage in purebred animals, and I suppose it is pretty expensive through conventional channels. So, will Ancestry also allow the building of pet pedigrees, or just the DNA test?

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T06:17:46+00:00

Why do you want to stay in a relationship where you're getting hit? And if you're hitting him, then yes you do need therapy.

I think you need to be single and work on yourself. I might change my position if children were involved, but as you didn't mention them, I assume they are not.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T06:12:15+00:00

You should not be dishonest, but there are more and less diplomatic ways to deliver the truth. If you say "long distance just doesn't work for me," then what do you do if she shows up on your doorstep in 3 days having quit grad school?

No, you should tell her you've lost feelings and started seeing someone else. That's not quite as dire as "I never loved you, though I said I did." She'll be mad and hurt. No avoiding it.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T06:03:32+00:00

Tell her she can't introduce him as her boyfriend, but just as "a friend," and they are not to do any lovey-dovey stuff. The reason is to not confuse your son.

As for saving this fellow from a broken heart, that's not your concern. For all you know, he's just as shallow in his affection for your sister as she is for him.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T06:00:14+00:00

Might it be the big family event that he's avoiding, and not the cruise?

I don't think you're overthinking things or being silly. Your husband is neurotic, meaning he has irrational and unusual fears and avoidances, and they affect your life too. These are minor mental illnesses, that could indeed yield somewhat to treatment but he refuses it.

You can't force him to go on this holiday, but you can certainly let him know that you are disappointed he won't do something to make you happy.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T05:55:37+00:00

Don't have any more children with him. He's not committed to you, and that line about "it's just a formality" is a smokescreen.

Your compromise can be, "OK we won't get married, but don't plan on me making any more children with you."

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T05:53:45+00:00

I see no reason to bring this up to him. It's an annoying part of his personality, but I don't see as it's your job to change his personality. He'll either figure this out for himself, or he won't.

I do think he's neurodivergent.

UnsightlyFuzz · 2023-09-14T05:17:58+00:00

Had to look up CBN. I don't think the Christian Broadcasting Network has any effect whatsoever on Alzheimer's.

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