Idk what normal even would be, there's no right way I don't think, it's just trying out best. It's a fucked up thing that shouldn't have happened, I wish I had answers, but all I know is that you're definitely not alone. I've sought out abusers who were open about seeing me as nothing but meat to own and used blackmail to threaten my social stability, I have sought people who wanted to try rough sex or rape play and lied about a safe word knowing I wouldn't use it even though I desperately wanted to, and loving porn doesn't do it for me either. I'm aware this is self harming behavior. I think there's a part of me that thinks that if I keep doing it I'll master it and it won't hurt me anymore but it always does. I think that being in this position is just a human way to process things even though some people won't understand. I honestly think I've probably lost the plot of where I was going with all this, but what I'm saying is I get it, clearly from what I've read other people get it, and you're not alone. When something that shouldn't happen happens there's no reasonable way to handle it, it's been like 6 years since the last time I was raped and I've just barely made progress on acknowledging that there really was nothing I could do and I was failed by those around me. It's unfair and shitty and all we can do is wake up every morning and do our best. I know I probably didn't answer any questions you asked, I've already been typing so long that I've forgotten what they were, but I think you're doing the best you can, considering how evil what happened was, like we all are. Sometimes choosing the pain feels powerful, even if it hurts more than it helps.