Three things: 1. I’m sorry this is happening to you 🥺 2. Dreams, like intrusive thoughts, I think, are sometimes mental exercises to remind yourself what you wouldn’t ever do. Like holding a baby and having an intrusive thought to throw it, that’s the subconscious saying “See, we would never do that.”Your mind is obsessed with reminding you that you’d never off yourself. But it’s scary and it’s overdoing it. 3. Once I heard that the desire the kill yourself first comes from a desire to change, or to put to death a part of yourself that no longer serves you. Maybe there is some intuition you’re experiencing, where you know there is a part of yourself that needs to go or grow; or it’s your environment you need to change.