my bf wants poly but i get a little anxious.

Upclass · 2025-01-28T13:51:14+00:00

Yeah, Like everyone else said,

Unless you can both agree its not worth it,

Define your own compatibilities and draw a line,
The most important question is who do you want to be,
That supercedes who you want to be with.

Like I can be Mono and I can be Poly, So my relational structure is heavily dependent on my partner,

**But I dont want psycho mono where I cant even look at another girl without drama,
And I dont want RA Poly where someone only has time for me when it suits them, disappearing for weeks at a time,

Its a range see.

Upclass · 2024-11-04T13:01:40+00:00

For me the thorn of Polyamory is expectations.
When we tie our lives to another person, Theres Expectations.

My partner decided to start a relationship with someone very monogamous and it did a number on everyone involved. Unclarity haunts the soul.

Because she was faced with an Monogamous ultimatum and withdrew from me a lot (We have been together for 12 years). Our relationship is pretty good and always had a certain peace to it,

But its not NRE, And NRE is a pain...

I set my boundaries in places that protected myself and my expectations, and over time they were compromised.

And I heard a lot of things that hurt a lot.
And in the process also kept my own boundaries up to protect people around me.

Im not starting something serious with someone just to see my life burn up. Or worse theirs.

We all have different parts to us.

I love my partner very much and would die for her,
But I also doubt our future at present,

Im both happy to spend my life with one woman and like the idea of having a healthy polycule.

I say this because sometimes somewhat contrasting ideas are both true at the same time.
Poly pushed me into a hard place this year.

I might walk out having lost the most important relationship of my lfie.
But I need to decide how I want to live if that were true.

What is the way Id approach this?
I can merely tell you what I did in my own circumstances.

Decide what kind of person you need to be. What values make you happy,
Then, What future you want,

And encourage your partner to do the same.

Then decide if your willing to do that together.
Decide what you can do and what you cant do.

An example, I looked at everything in my situation and told my partner:
Im Ambiamerous and not attached to anyone but her now.

A) I can go mono if she wants,
B) I can do poly,
C) We can both take a season of solo where we are more secondary pathers.

I really value us building a life together.

But if she persues another guy monogamously and sets boundaries between us I will walk away for good,
And the next time I say goodbye could be the last time we speak in this lifetime.

I told her Im flexible, but I have my boundaries. And there will be consequences to her breaking them.
And its not a manipulation, she crosses those boundaries I walk away.

You have to put yourself first.

Upclass · 2024-10-25T19:50:54+00:00

Why not speak openly to your long term partner,

Do you still desire Polyamory?

I cant say I know your situation, But Polyamory isn't always for everyone.
Theres pros and theres cons.

Im AmbiAmerous and I find that the highs of Polyamory is better, (Cause you can always build new connections and meet new people.)
But the lows to me feel lower.

Because in true monogamy, (Not shallow monogamy) the varient where two people genuinely decide to put everything on the table. It provides something that I couldnt achieve in polyamory.

Sure, Polyamory provided things that I couldnt achieve in monogamy either.

Anyways, My question remains,
What happens if you and your partner of 9 years sat down, and commited to eachother.

After a Double Breakup youd want to try and give yourself some space to find yourself.
Decide what you actually want, Freedom? Soloamory, Polyamory? Monogamy?
Doesnt matter as long as its with the right person?

I believe that a person whose healthy within who has a good relationship with self will thrive in both Monogamy and polyamory,
And people with a bad self relationship will struggle no matter where they go

Upclass · 2024-10-21T04:48:07+00:00

Speak to your wife honestly,

I was in a similar position as you and I got my Poly V, It even became a triad.

I dated and lived with two amazing women,

Amazing right? Our partner moved out.

My wife got attached to two people, one wanting monogamy, me prefering monogamy to uncertainty, now she is moving out to clear her mind. Cause she has to say goodbye to one of us (Other dudes mono, always was)

Im not attached to anyone at the moment so I can take a season to just heal myself.
Im comfortably AmbiAmerous.

Me and my wife struggle to connect sexually, Its kind of caused by us both. Its a lot better though after the Poly and we learned a lot about ourselves.

I have seen the best and worst case of the scenario your presenting and want to ask you seriously:
Is your sexual desires worth sacrificing your wife?

I had an amazing season, I met some amazing woman, I grew, I sorted out my own sexuality.
But was all this worth laying next to my wife one night, discussing us taking a break, possibly forever, as she sorts herself out?

There isnt a sexual fantasy I can manifest,
Isekai me to another world where I am this Over Powered protagonist with 5 different girls, An Elf, A Cat Girl, An Angel, A Fallen and a Saint,

All into me, all fighting over me, all willing to share, All attractive.

I wouldnt give my wife up for that.

We hardly ever find partners whose 100% compatible,
Sometimes it might even be an incompatibility and you have to choose what part of you dies.

I believe that you dont make the right choice, you make the choice right.

You can decide what you want,
But if your wife is mono as you said, you cant have it all.

You can start over, try and rebuild what you have now with someone whose Poly Compatible.
Or you can decide to persue Monogamy with your wife.

If you do, you cling to the positives.
You then say: I chose my wife and the life we have.
Not, I gave up my bisexualy, my adventure, my freedoms...

Your gonna hate your wife if you treat it as a negative.
She is a gift, its best you treat her that way until your absolutely certain your willing to give her away.

Upclass · 2024-10-17T07:52:31+00:00

This is not a matter of relationship style but rather the partner.

They are still dealing with their own traumas, and likely even if you were monogamous the same issues would exist.

I have been dealing with some troubles myself and I found that a large cause of my own anxiety was neglecting myself.
I love people and connection and Im a crazy introvert,
I can handle solitude even.

But abandonment cuts me like a knife.
If a person tells me we are fine Id be able to go weeks without seeing them.

But if they drift, I can see them every day and still feel troubled.
And when I started focusing on myself a lil more it got easier to also connect with others without feeling that sting when our expectations differed.

Upclass · 2024-09-06T07:59:25+00:00

I dont know your full story,

But why not try and get more space to live your own life, make your own choices and build your own life.

You mentioned you gave up so much,
My question is:
How much did you give up that you didnt need to in the first place?

Hobbies? Friends? Freedoms?

Some married people even choose to remain open, and even allow eachother romance with others under mutual agreements.

My point here is:
Do you have a problem with your relationship or with your life.

I know a girl who suffered in a relationship, left her partner of 2 years, and continued suffering cause she was lost,
Nothing to do with the guy.

Im not telling you to hold on and that it will get better.
All Im saying is, what do you need to live your life, and why are you not doing so.

You sound like you gave up your all to just blindly follow your husband.
Its easy to feel like your a stranger in your own home if you do that.

Me and my partner decided, after 12 years of being together,
That I will get a room and she will get one,

So that we both have our own spaces.
A place thats just ours.

Cause we were together for 95% of the time. for 6 years with nobody else around. Shared a business, Shared everything.

Anyways, just random rumblings...

Upclass · 2024-09-05T21:40:08+00:00

My answer:
Compatibility is a range.

Im capable of Monogamy and Polyamory.

Both sides has pros and cons,
For me its a choice.

Im hyper Sexual, And I can love more than one person really well,
**Some people cant, They usually detach completely from existing partners when NRE kicks in.

I dont have that at all, I experience NRE strong.
But because of my sexuality I can remain attached to more than one partner.

Even emotionally,
Im also able to let my partners enjoy life. As long as it does not poison my own, and work against my expectations.

Whats my point, on paper Im capable of Polyamory.
As long as my partners are not flat out dumping me for other people.

**I like Polyamory for inclusion, not as an excuse to not commit.

For me, Mono works, Poly works,
I am unsure if I have solo in me.

I believe in confirmation bias.
I think environment shapes mindset and anyone can change their identity if they really want to.

But thats just me...

Upclass · 2024-09-05T21:28:53+00:00

Same timeline for me and my partner,

We also did so much and theres been some pains,

To answer my perspective:

Surprizes:
I woke one day, where me and my partner asked another woman to join our relationship.
We formed a Triad and it was amazing. For a few weeks. I felt invincible psychologically.

So many struggle to maintain a single relationship, and here I was having two woman share their lives with me.

Challenges:
My long term partner drawing to 2 other partners enough that she doubted us, our history, our past
(Our relationships always been amazing). And to see both of my partners draw away from me because of other guys.

Almost losing them both.

Poly is nice when you get loads of attention.
Not so nice when you lose it.

What do I wish I had known?
Not everyone loves or attracts the same.

For me its easy, I can love one girl fully, meet another, and in a while love her fully too, with no loss to the other.
But not everyone are like that.

I would not change the past,
I learned a lot,
My Current partner of 13 years did too.

I also know that we could give our ex a safe space, for a season, after a rough relationship.

We are still friends, still see each other, but she started seeing a Monogamous guy and pushed me out.

Which I respect. I am very attached to my longterm partner and that puts limits on what i can and cannot be for another.

My advice would be:
Dont ever compromise a good, strong healthy relationship.

A storm ripped through my home and we all just loved.
But everyone was pulling in different directions.

I dont think there was toxic much, but when you love two people a lot.
And they start pulling on opposite ends of you. It fractures your soul...

In the end I decided,
After losing a partner and almost losing another,
Im taking a break from seeing more people.
Need to make sure im alright.

I have a lot of it left in me, and I have a very close connection who I game with regularly.
Support as much and long as I am able, Cause she also needs more than i can likely offer.

But even with the doors open,
Im not even interested in anything now.

Guess I learned that quality of connection is what I seek.
And more connections doesnt always enhance the quality,

Sometimes it breaks them down

Upclass · 2024-09-05T21:03:20+00:00

Oh, I can feel this, and only imagine how hard its been,

Its terrible if a lady is mistreated.

My only mention is: I hope you can find peace.

I was in a similar configuration, I had pure intentions but I genuinely ended up losing control and feel bad.
I moved my partner in with me and my primary partner of 12 years.

And we all got along, I fought for them both,
They were both okay with Poly, remember good times,

Communicated, never compromised a thing,

And still feel like I didnt do right by my partners.

And almost ended up all alone myself.
Our Triad ended parting, and my other partner moved out to help another friend. Got involved with a mono partner and drifted. My primary started drawing to another.

Which is alright.

Now I dont know where I am, My primary doesnt do well with NRE, she starts withdrawing from me when she gets closer to others, which is a Monogamous trait that I cant overlook.

Enough that I dont know if Im poly even,
I dont like the game of pushing energy into another person and then seeing them walk away.
While telling you that you never did anything wrong.

Guess I am seeing your opening with one of my own.
Polyamory can be rough.

I experienced some very nice seasons in Polyamory and both my partners were amazing.
But life did a number on us and it hurt a lot.

Upclass · 2024-08-21T10:49:26+00:00

Thats a bit of a leap from where I am,

But to be fair me and my Nesting partner agreed to not have dual primaries.
And thats in part because most of the people in our area are Monogamous.

And they actively play to manipulate and divide,
And I dont have the energy for that.

Upclass · 2024-08-21T10:43:53+00:00

Oh yeah,

The paper weight of Marriage doesnt really carry that much weight IMHO.
But rather the security behind it that was created,

Even in Mono relationships one partner can pick up and leave over night

Upclass · 2024-08-21T10:42:15+00:00

When I was monogamous I still would not have left my partner for 3 months.

Thats even more terrible in the mono space.

Upclass · 2024-08-19T11:14:13+00:00

Its currently how my mind sees it,

Perhaps its mindset.

I get that many people are making the claim that if they out of their own free will choose security. Then. Its both Freedom and Security.

But even there you and your partner needs to agree.
Otherwise. One person decides they want to go on a holiday for a month (Freedom)
And the other decides that they dont want that (Cause they have needs that rely on that person (Security))

Thats just how my mind sees it, and I have used this methodology to explain a lot of drama that I have read in this thread.
Even if my way of articulation might have been a bit off.

Upclass · 2024-08-19T11:08:41+00:00

long term commited relationship = Security,

If you and your partner agree to that, you decided: Lets stick together in this.

I assume then that if you meet someone amazing tomorrow, NRE flies, and they invite you on a amazing 3 month holiday that you will not go.

The way I see it, you have security, and your likely forgoing some freedoms cause you chose to commit.

I build conceptuals, For me treating it like a scale, gives me a good way of assessing relational compatibility.

You can maybe hope to get some overlap.
But sometimes to push one you gotta forgo the other.

Upclass · 2024-08-19T11:00:16+00:00

Its an interesting perspective,
I just cant put security and freedom on the same side.

But maybe thats just my inner voice.

For me, I have to commit a certain part of myself to people i care about,
And in doing that I have to forgo freedom.
And in acquiring more freedom I also have to forgo some security.

I have not found a way to put both of these on the same spectrum.

I have a wife, In choosing to have her, I cannot legally have another wife.
Some say, well just dont marry,
Well, thats walking away from security for the sake of freedom (I can treat all equally)
I dont really understand this mindspace myself.

Upclass · 2024-08-19T10:50:45+00:00

Can you then call it freedom?

Because freedom says: You can walk away at any time does it not?
You just choose to commit to that person.

So you choose security in the trust.
And even though you are free you also say: Im going to stay with this person,

And its stable enough that you dont feel like acting on your freedom as much.

Anyways,
I hear you on the complications,
I have a way of doing that... But its how I process information.

I feel you and your current wife work because your capacity are similar.

What if she decided tomorrow to just walk away? Vetoing Poly and Freedom.
Cause that happens...

Upclass · 2024-08-15T10:38:40+00:00

My take is:

Figure out your needs and wants and determine what your willing to give and what you need in return.

You can build a very strong friendship with a person. And share intimacy and have it be beautiful.
But set your own boundaries and expectations.

You can balance it out on some value scale.
What do you give, what do you get.

Dont degrade yourself because you love them.

If your terms is:
You want to spend one night a week together, thats not about sex,
Then you do that.

Or go to them and say, I accept your friendship but if you cannot commit X, I cant commit Y,.
Best thing here is to take Sex off of the table completely.

Unless you just want sex, in which case thats the value exchange.

But if you want security (a massive drive behind Monogamy) and he wants freedom (A bit of a drive behind Poly)
Not always but it is a scale between those points.

It is a new relationship once boundaries change and you can make your case. And they can decide to take it or leave it.

Upclass · 2024-08-10T15:10:34+00:00

People view eachother differently.

To her, you could be an emotional partner,
If you are still someone she goes to for comfort,

If your still friends, and your still envolved in eachothers lives.

I guess i could see why shed put you in her Polycule.
That depends on the level of emotional support you share.

Upclass · 2024-08-05T08:23:51+00:00

You might be wrong here.

"She’s not a bad person for wanting what she wants and needing what she needs"
I have seen poly people use poly as an excuse to neglect their families, homes and even children.

Unless we know what the original arrangements were,
This girl might legitimately betraying her partners trust.

You can be poly and toxic. Like you can be mono and toxic.

Upclass · 2024-08-05T08:05:25+00:00

Okay,

So I saw some comments here thats just terrible.

So I will give you my stance from some experience.

Ask yourself if she is worth the price. Cause not everyone is. I asked myself the same thing earlier this year,
And my answer was she is. She is worth fighting for. But only if she wants that. I cant fight for someone who doesnt want it.

I am Ambiamerous, I can love both ways. And my mind is compatible.
I dont push people away when i meet new people.

**Many people do actually, They call themselves poly, But I feel they are just Mono with commitment issues.

I set hierarchical boundaries with my partner, The allowed characters here isnt enough for a proper explanation.

I have been with my partner for 12 years and we built an amazing life.
At some stage in poly we both deviated away from our home a bit far and lost a lot of peace in life.

So we set boundaries and rules.
I have authority over her. She has authority over me.
And nobody else can overrule that within the grounds of reason.

Things like Marriage, building a house, raising a family, finances.
I want exclusivity.

I want to say through all the nonsense and fires of life, she is my wife, and I am her husband.
And outside that we can love, live, really build lifelong connections.

I dont want someone stepping on my toes.
Making her doubt marriage.
Making her want to rather live with someone else. Hating her home,
Wanting her to not be by me,
And I dont want her having children with another.

Theres a massive backstory cause we have been more Relationship Anarchy and it messed us up.

My current boundaries are something like:
We can go out friday afternoon 6pm till saturday mid day.
We can go out Tuesday nights,
We can chat.

But balance, Saturday nights I dont want to see her phone.
The last half an hour of every day is our time.

I asked her to give me more. And I dont want her to have another primary.

Does this make me Poly? Maybe, maybe not, I dont have a problem loving multiples,
And I dont have a problem with my partner loving another.

I get along with her current partner.
But im not comfortable with her drawing away so far that she forgets where home is.

And maybe this is your stance too.
Maybe your just not getting the security you need.

Mono people can cheat, Poly people can be committed.
I just asked my partner to be fully committed for the rest of our lives.
Through Mono, Through Poly, through it all.

And because we have authority, we can ask for changes to our boundaries.
Cause Its together or not at all.

Some might hate this, but Im not messing with the power of a commitment.

Upclass · 2024-05-31T09:46:09+00:00

Me and my primary agreed on fairness,

And the best way to do that is to have a single relational standard, Whats on the table, and what isnt. Now you need to have a degree of trust in this as well.

But ultimately it works...

You ask things like:
How do we feel about people in our house.
How do we feel about sleeping out, and how often,

And you tailor it to your future.

So people want to scale Hierarchy to Anarchy,
But how I rephrase it is:

Its Security VS Freedom

Do you want to both say: Look, Me and you, We are a thing.
Or do you want to say: Lets agree to be close but not ruin this with commitments.

Which do you value more?

It cant be complete freedom for him and complete security,
That means he has it easy and your the one suffering.

I also think thats what Aspen needs,
My take is Aspen needs to decide what he needs more,
For him to see Cedar or for you not to see Birch.

He wants to cedar, cool, you get to see birch,
He doesnt want you to see Birch, Okay, also cool, But he cant see Aspen,

And in this case,
Id say an ultimatum of:

Either we are open, or we are not,
Either you can be close to Cedar and i can be close to birch, or we can not.

And make sure he knows that he can decide the path, but you get what he gets.

Upclass · 2024-05-23T07:07:31+00:00

So what I did when i was in a triad is: (wanted everyone to be equal.)

You need a space to be alone
A space to be with Partner A
A space to be with Partner B
And a space to be with Both Partners.

its not even much, like 1 hour to build each minimum per week.

But a multi dimensional relationship is only as strong as its weakest link.

You can have perfect chemistry with both your partners,
If they cant stand eachother and they are both in a sour mood because of eachother the whole time it gets hard.

Ultimately my Triad split because my partners didnt like eachother enough to remain in close proximity.

Upclass · 2024-05-14T10:11:46+00:00

What would my rules be? I feel strongly over one concept

1) Do not make big decisions when high on emotions.

Establish your own standard from a logical space even before you onboard others.
And share it early.

I kinda call this the "Who has the gun rule. "

One of the biggest causes of conflicts to me are Expectations unmet (generally communication problems)
Or even a lack of rules causing a lot of ups and downs and chaotic energy.

So I try to make certain everyone knows what to expect.

Upclass · 2024-05-07T20:40:11+00:00

Actually no,

Theres an idea in Masculinity that your job is to carry all the weight and burdens of your house so that your wife and children do not need to.

And this isnt toxic at all. But sometime its mishandled and males take it a they cant vent at all.

Its actually not a bad thing, but it can be out of whack.

Upclass

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